


Silhouette

by Schizophreniac



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Brotherhood, Competition, Cute, Death, Dogs, F/M, Family, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Grief/Mourning, Holidays, Horseback Riding, Horses, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, Love, Love at First Sight, M/M, Moving, Music, Musicians, New Family, Puppies, Reminiscing, Requited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 15:48:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 52,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/967765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schizophreniac/pseuds/Schizophreniac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Novak has searched high and low for a place to live and finally he has no choice but to settle on a little house in the countryside with four other people, Sam and Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore and Jo Harvelle. They keep a stable of horses and have acres of land, freedom Castiel has always longed for. And not only does he get the serenity and peace of the countryside, but he learns so many new things through living with these people and they teach him in the ways of their lives day by day. For Castiel, this little group of people become a proper family to him, something he has never had before and to his immense surprise, he finds love too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Humble Beginnings

Another big red marker pen cross straight through yet another failed attempt to gain an apartment. The rent was too high, the neighbours were too shady, the location was too far away. Castiel could find nowhere to live. 

He'd been living with his older brother Balthazar and younger sister Anna since he was kicked out of his last apartment six months ago and since then he'd desperately been scouring the newspapers for somewhere else to go. His family had welcomed him with open arms, but there was a strange rift between them and Cas wanted to leave as quickly as possible. 

There had been a few apartments in the main city and upon viewing they had seemed fine, until he met the people he'd be staying with. There was a really tall man with hair he braided that fell down to his waist with a badly maintained beard and smelled like stale urine, and a rather plump woman with piercings and menacing tattoos who frankly scared the life out of Cas. Then there were people who barely spoke to him and the inside of the apartment smelt like bleach and too strongly of lavender. The residents went from one extreme to the other, there was no in-between. Not to mention the abundance of cats in one of the places. 

He'd tried to steer clear of taking a room in a house full of people but it was starting to seem like that was going to be his only choice. 

There was one house that appeared to be in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by beautiful countryside and it was the closest to the city he could find. Castiel ran his finger over the picture, almost feeling the heat of the sun shining its rays down onto the green, green grass. It was quite far out, a four mile walk from any kind of civilisation and perhaps jobs would be hard to come by. He had a job in a little convenience store down the road but he knew he wouldn't be able to keep that up if he moved to this house. 

Dean Winchester was the name of the contact he would have to speak to. 

"Like the gun?" Balthazar asked, chewing on toast as he peered over Cas' shoulder. 

"Like the gun," Cas repeated and scowled at his brother who dropped crumbs in his hair. 

"Thought you weren't gonna go for a house." Balthazar sat at the space opposite him at the kitchen table and put his feet up on it. Cas shoved him off the surface, still scowling and cleared his throat with a shrug of his shoulders. 

"There's nowhere else to go," he sighed. 

"You can stay here," Balthazar suggested. Cas looked up at him over his glasses patronisingly. 

"No thank you," he said firmly. Anna bounced into the kitchen and put the kettle on, even more noise in the room to distract Cas' thoughts from his business. 

"The countryside is boring anyway." Cas disagreed, ever since he was little he'd always liked the idea of living out of the city with wide open spaces and clean air that didn't smell of smoke. Rolling hills and endless views was his slice of paradise. 

"It could be fun, says there are four other people living there though," he thought out loud. 

"You? Living with four other people? Give it a rest," Anna smirked, pouring hot water into her mug. 

"I can live with other people," Cas growled. He didn't hate his siblings, but they grated on him something awful. "Right shut up, I'm phoning this Winchester guy." 

He dialled the number into the phone and pressed it to his ear, listening to it ring. And ring, and ring and ring. Until a very out of breath, gruffly voiced man answered at the end. 

"H-hello?" he panted and the sound of a hand thudding against wood made Cas grin. 

"Hi, my name is Castiel, is this Dean Winchester?. I'm calling about the room." There was silence at the other end of the phone for a second. 

"Really?" 

"Yes." Confusion swept over Cas' face and he double checked the number to make sure he had dialled the right one. 

"Oh OK, cool. Um, do you want to come and see the place?" 

"That would be great," Cas said with narrowed eyes. 

"Cool. Tomorrow? About 2pm?" 

"Yeah, OK. See you then." 

"See you tomorrow!" Dean hung up the phone first and Cas just listened to the line go dead with utter disbelief on his face. He sounded young by his lack of formality and the casual meeting plans, because after all, this was no serious thing at all. Perhaps these would be more people that he knew he wouldn't get along with. He sincerely hoped not. 

Castiel got a bus to somewhere about a twenty minute walk away from the house the next day and admired the beauty of the scene as he walked. The sun was shining and the sky was clear, and the gravel beneath his feet made a satisfying crunch which made him smile; this truly was the countryside indeed. There was no one around that he could see for miles, the silence was breathtaking and apart from some sheep and a few cows, even the fields were empty. The grass was well maintained and looked like the perfect picnicking destination which Cas decided he definitely would make the most of. 

The gravel path eventually lead him to quite a large house that looked like a cottage from the outside, he couldn't define it with one word. It was slightly off-white with a slate roof and those typically old-fashioned windows with shutters and everything. The entire thing was surrounded with gravel, there was no pathway, but there was a big farm-like gate that opened wide to grant access to this odd little place. It reminded Cas an awful lot of a farm even down the smell of animals. 

He rapped his knuckles on the big wooden door and it was swiftly answered by a very tall man with beautifully treated hair that waved in the light breeze. A slight blonde woman appeared at his side and wrapped an arm around his waist.

"Hi, I'm Castiel. I came about the room?" The big man nodded and smiled a warm smile, holding out his hand to shake Cas'. 

"Pleasure to meet you, Castiel. I'm Sam, this is Jessica. Come on in!" Sam lead Cas into the kitchen which is apparently the room the front door lead to and Cas gasped as he lay his eyes on the space. It was your typical ranch house set up with the wooden surfaces and the big table in the middle of the room. Everything was so old fashioned, even down to the iron kettle that sat on a wooden board by the window. Sam even had to duck his head a little to avoid smacking it against the low ceilings. The floor was solid stone and looked like it had recently been mopped as Cas' feet kept slipping as he followed Sam. 

"I spoke to a Dean Winchester on the phone?" he asked, trying not to sound pretentious. 

"Yeah that's my older brother, I'm Sam Winchester. I told Dean to put my name as the contact in the paper but he wasn't having it," Sam laughed. "He's out at the moment. So you're stuck with us I'm afraid!" Jessica turned to Cas and smiled widely as well, so far Cas liked these people. 

The ceilings throughout the house were very low and the theme was the same. The floors were either wooden and worn or there was a carpet a deep brown in colour, the window cills were wooden, the rafters were wooden, all of the surfaces and tables were wooden too. This house definitely belonged in the countryside. All the walls were magnolia, lined with many pictures of the residents of the household and what appeared to be show jumping and dressage rosettes. 

"You ride?" Cas inquired with a raised eyebrow. A slight chuckle escaped Sam's lips and he turned as if he'd asked a stupid question. 

"Did you not see in the ad?" Cas shook his head, apart from the countryside location and a description of the view, nothing else had been mentioned. "Dean you son of a bitch." Jessica laughed and sighed, detaching herself from Sam's waist and standing in front of him. 

"We own a stable of horses, we all ride and compete. I'm surprised Dean didn't put that in the ad, that's normally the main thing that puts people off the room," she explained with a slight frown.  _That would explain why Dean was so surprised_ , Cas thought. 

"I see." Sam searched Cas' face for a silent judgement and panic rose up his throat. 

"But you don't need to be involved with the horses," he said quickly, holding out his hand. "That's just our thing. Don't feel obliged to do anything." Cas shook his head, definitely didn't mind there being horses around but he wondered if this would cause him to be separated from the household. "But of course, we have quite a few horses so you could ride with us too, if you liked," Sam continued, poorly judging the facial expressions of his potential housemate. 

"It will require some consideration," Cas said after a minute of deliberation and Sam's face lit up. 

"We'll take you out to see them soon." 

There were two floors to the house, the second floor consisting of four bedrooms and two bathrooms. Sam and Jessica shared, Dean had his and this mysterious Jo character had her own room too. Castiel's was at the end of the corridor and the wooden door opened to reveal a nicely sized room with a large window that overlooked the pasture. There wasn't much in it, a bed, wardrobe, a desk. But Cas would furnish this more himself if he decided to move in. 

"The rooms are all pretty much the same, we don't have much by way of furniture. We don't spend enough time in our rooms but of course you can change yours however you like," Jessica explained and spun on the spot with a hand outstretched. "Plus, you get the nicest view of the pasture and when it's snowing and the horses are out, it's just beautiful." Cas grinned as he pictured the scene, he definitely liked this place. 

A slight chill ran up his spine and he shuddered. 

"Yeah, it's a bit drafty too, old place," Sam shrugged. The house had an old feel to it, hell, it looked old. The floorboards creaked and some of the windows didn't shut properly, it smelled like animals and there were muddy footprints on the carpet but strangely it felt like home for Cas. The simplicities of life were in this house and he knew that that was all he needed. 

"Bathroom that way and that way," Jessica thought out loud for Cas' benefit and pointed in both directions in the hallway. "Do you want to see the grounds?" Cas nodded quickly. A large fluffy golden retriever bounded up the stairs and met them half way, licking at Sam's hands and barking like they'd just been reunited after a very long time. His coat was shaggy and his eyes were big and happy, his tail wagging furiously behind him. And behind this dog ran a collie puppy with a deliciously cute little face and a yelp of a bark. 

"Alfie," Jessica said and pointed to the retriever, "and Rosie," pointing to the collie. Rosie bounced up the stairs and Cas sat on one of the steps to let the dog land in his lap, stroking her face with his hands and nuzzling his nose against hers. "Oh good, you're a dog fan." Castiel loved dogs, they were man's best friend after all. He'd always longed to have a dog but circumstances had disallowed him, despite how much he begged. 

"Which is just as well, as Alfie's missus is pregnant," Sam chuckled and ruffled Alfie's fur. 

"More dogs?" Cas asked with a laugh, this definitely was his little piece of heaven. "Puppies?"

"Yeah, she's about six weeks through her pregnancy so not long left to go," Jessica smiled. 

"What's her name?" 

"Tilly." 

"So we've got Alfie, Tilly and Rosie so far. Where did Rosie come from? She's not a retriever."

"She's a rescue, sort of. She was wondering about the pasture, no collar, apparently no name as she took to Rosie quite quickly. No one was looking for her so she's been with us for the last couple of months." Sam picked up the collie puppy and put her over his shoulder, leading Cas and Jessica round to the back door. 

"Do you have boots?" he asked as himself and Jessica stepped into theirs. Cas shook his head, looking down at his trainers. "Do you mind getting them a little dirty?" Cas shook his head, what the hell. "Yeah, boots are a must have if you're going to live here. Riding or not," he chuckled. 

They were back onto the gravel path with Alfie trotting along behind them wagging his tail and sped ahead as they neared the stables. A slight blonde woman was leading them out in pairs and putting them into the pasture and jogged over to them as she noticed them. 

"Hey! I'm Jo, pleasure to meet you," she said brightly and shook Cas' hand. 

"Castiel, the pleasure is all mine," Cas replied. Jo cocked her head, her interest piqued as he spoke so unlike her housemates. 

"Here to see the horses? Don't be put off, honestly, they're not as bad as they smell," she joked. There was quite a ripe smell of manure faintly wafting through the air but if he was honest, Cas hadn't noticed. This was all too exciting. The pregnant retriever walked heavily behind Jo, stopping to sniff at food remnants on the ground and lay down on the gravel, watching the four of them walk ahead to the pasture. 

There were seven horses in total, two of them were bay, a bay dun, a grey, a chestnut, a black, and a dun. They were all beautiful. Their coats shone in the brilliant sunlight and they just looked healthy and happy munching away at the grass in the pasture. 

"We each have a horse of our own," Sam said and, with Rosie on his shoulder, patted the large bay dun horse and stroked its nose. "This is Pip, well, Peregrin, but we call him Pip or Pippin. Usually Pip." Cas laughed at how strangely fitting Pip was for such a big, robust bay stallion. Sam was a tall guy, his horse needed to be massive too. "The chestnut mare is Maia and she belongs to Jess, Lily is the dun mare and she's Jo's and the black stallion is Oliver, Ollie for short and he's Dean's." Sam placed Rosie on the ground and she bounced around Pip's legs, the fur on her face flattening against her head as he snorted air at her. 

"They're all beautiful. Do you mind?" Cas asked and started toward the grey stallion who poked his nose around the edges, tentatively assessing the situation. 

"He's a nervous one, he's new. Just walk slowly towards him and he should be fine," Jo warned, looking after Cas with anticipation. The horse stood and watched Cas slowly edge towards him and as Cas came into touching distance with his outstretched hand, he put his head down and huffed at him. Cas stopped in his tracks as the horse stared at him. "It's fine, make contact," Jo called from a distance. Cas carefully placed two fingers on the horse's nose before slowly sliding them up to rest his palm on the grey hair. It was soft and warm and the horse moved into his touch, instantly comfortable with the contact. "See, he's not so bad." 

"Does he have a name?" Cas asked. 

"Not yet, he hasn't been here long enough yet for us to decide on one," Sam said. The horse let Cas run his fingers through its mane and along its shoulders, down its back. He was beautiful, a truly stunning animal. 

"I can live with this," Cas thought quietly to himself with a smile. 

They left the horses grazing in the pasture and they took Cas on a tour of the stables. There were seven stalls for the seven animals, a couple on the ends were still under construction as more often than not passing travellers used their stables to house their horses for a couple of days at a time. And there was always the possibility that they would get more. A large indoor school was situated not too far from the house, a sheltered area where Jess and Jo gave lessons on the two unclaimed bays, a safe soft area where falling would heed no warning. There was straw, mud, and hay littering the ground constantly wherever they went around the stables and a small lean-to metal shed housed every tool known to man to clean the stalls out and wash down the grounds when it got especially bad. Tilly watched them walk from her position in the gravel, panting heavily. 

The room they kept the riding equipment in was the best kept room Cas had seen on the entire premises. It was very brightly lit, a separate kind of outbuilding from the main house and the air seemed almost fresher in there than it was outside. Metal hooks and shelves lined the walls with loads of different saddles, stirrups, reins, ribbon, coats, everything the rider needs to equip his horse. The air smelt richly of leather polish and disinfectant, so much so that it made Cas feel a little light headed. 

Sam realised that he had begun to assume that Castiel was going to move in. If he hadn't, they wouldn't have shown him this part. Or introduced him to the horses properly. 

"This place really is something," Cas smiled as they stepped outside and he took one look at the hills in the distance and sighed. Alfie rubbed his muzzle against his leg and Cas reached down to tap him on the head. "Dogs, the hills, the sky, the quiet, the whole feel of the place is just, perfect." Jo and Jess looked at each other excitedly. 

"There really is no competition for it, the amount of people already here and all the animals really put people off. It's a shame, this is a lovely place," Jo sighed and loosely tied her blonde hair back. 

"You're free to move in when you like, if you want the room of course," Sam said suddenly, seriously hoping that he'd say he wanted to stay. Out of all the people they had shown around, Cas was the first guy Sam had had a good vibe about, Cas seemed tolerant and open minded which was a personality must have if you were going to try and live with Dean Winchester. 

"I have a good feeling about this place, what's the rent?" Sam, Jess and Jo looked nervously from one another. 

"$300," they said in unison. Cas mouth dropped open and stared on in disbelief, before he realised where he was standing, the size of the house and the land and the horses... 

"Fine, I'll take the room," he said instantly, not letting it properly sink in or he knew he'd change his mind. This was his paradise, he must have it. 

"Really?" Sam gasped, gripping Jess' waist. 

"Sure, why not." He looked back to the grey horse in the pasture and smiled to himself, this was going to be fun. 

 

He took virtually no time at all to pack all of his belongings up, only about two days. Balthazar was sent out on various runs for cardboard boxes and several trips to the tip to dump loads of Cas' old stuff. Cas had had to apologise profusely to his manager about not even handing in his two weeks notice and had to make up some crap explaining why he had to leave so suddenly but he knew he couldn't slow down and do this properly. He couldn't let his conscience talk him out of moving to this place. 

Anna and Balthazar weren't particularly sad to see him go, they made him pancakes the morning of his departure and briefly hugged him goodbye before Sam came to pick him up in a gorgeous car, a 1967 Chevrolet Impala that was under strict orders not to be ruined by the infamous Dean Winchester. Sam had run him through basic Impala etiquette before allowing him inside and Cas sat with his back rigid and hands firmly in his lap to avoid ruining anything in the precious car. 

Jessica and Jo came to help him unload his things from the trunk and together the four of them got everything upstairs, Alfie doing his best not to stand in everyone's way and Rosie just yelped and stood in their path. His room was full of cardboard boxes and when the last one was set on the floor they left him to it. He put out his arms, closed his eyes and breathed deeply, breathing in the deep musky smell of the wooden panelling and that doggy smell that clung to his clothes. 

"Home," he said and got to work unpacking his things. 

 Most of his stuff looked very out of place in the whole theme of the building, a glass wall clock was far too modern as was the look of his laptop sitting on the desk. Even the plain oak shelves he'd taken from his old room looked stupid against the deep reddish brown of the panelling. Eventually he shoved everything back into the boxes and shoved them into the wardrobe apart from his clothes which he hung up and just sat on his bed looking around.  _That's better,_  he thought. 

There had still been no sign of the illusive Dean Winchester and it was starting to make Cas a little edgy. How would he react when he came home to find that his family had made a collective decision to let Cas in without him knowing? Or perhaps he did know, and he was avoiding him. Either way the situation made Cas uncomfortable so he pulled on the boots he had retrieved from his old cupboard under the stairs and patrolled the grounds in search of him. 

The horses had been put away into their stalls and Jo was just finishing up untangling Lily's mane with a brush, smiling warmly at her new housemate as he passed. He ran his fingers down Pip's nose as he passed him and walked straight past the school and the outbuilding to a little path that lead outwards towards the hills. 

A sudden chill in the air sent a shiver up Cas' spine and he hugged his arms around his body as he watched the darkening sky. A few cows greeted him in the adjacent fields and the crunch of the gravel beneath his feet soothed Cas' nervous brain.  _Why would Dean be out here anyway?_  he thought to himself but he kept walking anyway. 

He liked his new housemates, they were quite different to Castiel and their lifestyle was alien to him, but there was something about them that made Cas feel at home. Perhaps it was the innocence in Sam's big puppy eyes, ironically contrasting to his size and broadly set shoulders. And that hair, he must condition it. And his girlfriend Jessica, she was a thing of beauty, not a speck of make-up on that face, she was naturally stunning. She was warm and catering like Sam and Jo, she had a sense of humor and a kind of rugged, no-crap kind of attitude. They all fit together to complete that family puzzle in harmony. 

The cold was beginning to set in on Cas' bones and he decided to turn back before he caught hypothermia - he had more of a chance of finding Dean if he wasn't hospitalized within the first 24 hours of moving in. He'd be at dinner anyway, Cas assumed. 

A dinner at the table; something Cas hadn't had in a very long time. His siblings and him very rarely sat down together to eat a meal and talk about the day, he wondered if these guys would do it differently. He hoped so. 

He walked back past the horses in their stalls and they whinnied at him as he passed, they had already accepted him as a new member of the household. 

Tilly wandered about the house sniffing at plant pots and absent mindedly poking her nose into any crevice she could find. Cas sat down on the front step and she put her head in his lap, looking up at him with her big brown eyes. He encased her face in his hands and pressed his nose to hers, feeling Tilly relax under his touch. 

"Not long left to go," Cas whispered and planted a soft kiss on her head. 

"Cas where-" Sam started as he opened the front door to find Cas falling backwards onto the kitchen floor. "Sorry!" he cried and helped him clamber to his feet in a flurry. 

"No problem," Cas laughed. 

"Dinner!" Jessica called and the boys and Jo took their seats. Cas scanned his eyes across the table and noticed that only four places had been set. 

"Aren't we missing someone?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. 

"Dean's gone out," Jo nodded painfully and set her eyes on her plate. Cas' heart sank. 

As they tucked into sausages and mashed potatoes they talked about the house and the daily routine. Essentially they all got up at 7:30am, had breakfast, washed, got dressed and were straight out to the horses. Jo and Jess started lessons at 11am so everything had to be prepared before then and Sam and Dean usually rode their boys up to farm a few miles away where they worked for their money. They got to keep Ollie and Pip in the farmer's field while they hauled bales of hay and straw, cleaned out pigs and fed the poultry. Sam even explained milking a cow once; the farmer had insisted he try it once despite having the machine that does it for them. 

"So tell us something about you, Cas," Jess chirped happily, looking up from her food with curiosity. 

"Well, I'm a music graduate," Cas said and swallowed his mouthful. "But if I'm honest, I don't want to do it professionally. It's just something I love to do, I'm scared that if it becomes my career I'll grow to hate it. So I've been working in a little convenience store in the city to earn enough to pay the rent for my old apartment I shared with my siblings. But I had to leave that, so I'm kind of jobless..." Jess shrugged. 

"What do you play?" 

"Piano," Cas sighed. "I've never owned my own instrument, they're so big and expensive. I couldn't have chosen something easier." 

"I'm sure Dean has a keyboard lying around somewhere," Sam thought out loud, cocking his head to the side. 

"Why?" 

"He writes and plays and guitar. Very rarely now, he used to really be into it. But then he got Ollie and life took him away from his work," Sam replied with a touch of disappointment. "He's very good, I'll ask him." 

A fellow musician and a composer. Castiel could forgive his illusiveness. 

"And don't worry about work, there will be plenty of things for you to do all over the countryside. Sam and Dean could take you up to the farm, they're always looking for more workers," Jo explained brightly, waving her fork in the air. The hair on the back of Cas' neck stood on end - table manners. 

"I've never been one for manual labour," Cas laughed awkwardly and Sam nodded as he looked him up and down. 

"A little scrawny, but you'll do," he joked and Cas slapped his shoulder. 

"Thanks," he chuckled. 

"You could probably find something musical to do around here too, they do so many shows throughout the year and musicians are always hard to come by. They're about as rare as a sound system that old farmer Singer can work." 

"We'll see, I'm sure I'll find something." 

It was properly dark by the time they'd finished, time had flown by. Cas hadn't realised quite how long they had talked for until the clock on the wall read 9:17pm. Jess and Sam washed the dishes and Jo fed the dogs before she left the house to finish up with the horses in their stalls. 

Cas retreated to his room after a brief goodnight and fell backwards onto his bed, looking up at the ceiling. He could already see how different he was compared to his new friends, they were active and busy all the time and were content with what they were doing with their lives and Cas usually preferred sitting in with a good book and maybe writing stories every now and then, annoyed at how little he was doing with his own life. 

His music degree was pointless to him, he didn't want to teach piano or play for stuck-up people who could afford to hear him play. Playing the piano was a pasttime and the more he thought about it the more he wondered why he decided to go to university to study the subject. But he liked this new place, he saw it as an opportunity to do something different with himself. Perhaps he'd get into riding or at least working about the farm. Something physical, he liked the sound of that. 

Alfie scratched at his door with his claws as Cas settled into bed, lying on his front with his book. He pushed his glasses up his nose and let the retriever in and Alfie jumped up to sit with him. He nestled his head in the crook of Cas' arm, looking up at him with tired eyes and settled off to sleep. Sam poked his head round the door a few minutes later just to check on where he was. 

"He might wake you up in the night, he likes to wander," he apologised in advance and closed the door behind him. 

True to the assumption, Alfie woke Cas up at around 2am, clawing at the door and whining. Cas sleepily swung his legs off the bed and rubbed his eyes as he opened the door to let the dog out, fear rising up his throat as he heard thumping and the sound of a glass breaking downstairs. He grabbed his glasses from the table and his boxers and t-shirt followed Alfie down the stairs in the dark. 

As he neared, Cas heard a low gruff voice cursing at whatever it was that had fallen and smashed and the thudding footsteps kept coming as if they were stumbling. Alfie settled in his bed by the kitchen door as if this was a common occurrence. No one else in the house was coming to investigate either and this person wasn't exactly being quiet. 

Cas tentatively poked his head around the door to the kitchen to where the apparent noise was coming from and in the darkness he could just make out the shape of a man kneeling on the ground, sweeping up the glass. Cas readied himself to swing a few punches as he was caught but he flicked on the light and the stranger covered his eyes with his arms with a shout. 

"Jesus, Sam it's me," he said and lowered his arms from his face. Cas stood and stared as his eyes settled on this man, tall, not as tall as Sam, broad, looking good in the battered leather jacket and he just wanted to reach out and run his hand over the stubble on his face. 

"Uh," he stammered and put his fists by his sides. He was stood here in front of this man in his underwear. The shame reddened his face. The man's soft green eyes cast over Cas and he narrowed them, trying to remember why a stranger would be in his house. 

"Castiel?" he asked nervously. Cas nodded. "Dean Winchester," he smiled and held out his hand. The smell of alcohol was rich on his breath and Cas grimaced as a waft blew past his face. 

"Pleasure to meet you," Cas murmured, putting his other hand over his crotch area to discreetly hide how embarassed he was. "Sorry I- I thought you were trying to- to rob us, or something." Dean laughed and slapped Cas' shoulder, removed his jacket and slung it over the back of a chair. 

"No no, just me," he chuckled. Alfie raised his head as Dean passed and he tickled it, picking Rosie up as she bounded towards him. "I'm actually back a little late, I meant to be home earlier." Cas checked the clock on the wall. 

"Aren't you meant to be up in four and a half hours?" 

"I am indeed. But it's fine, used to it." Cas watched as Dean stumbled ahead of him, admiring how his biceps tested the stretchiness of the sleeves. 

"It can't be nice riding with a hangover," he joked, hoping it hadn't sounded offensive. He fiddled with his glasses for something else to do with his hands, despite Dean having his back to him. 

"I'm immune," he said very matter-of-factly. "You look a little clean to want to live here." Cas wasn't sure whether he was supposed to take offence or whether he actually was too clean to live in a place like this. Dean set Rosie back on the ground and she yapped at his heels. 

"It's different, I'll admit, but I've always liked the country and your housemates seem lovely." Dean turned to face him with a smirk. 

"They are lovely. But I'm lovelier," he winked and looked him up and down. Cas' face went scarlet again and his hands assumed their previous positions. 

"Well I've been here for almost a day and this is the first I've seen of you, I'll need a little longer to judge." Dean cocked his head to the side and looked at him intently. Cas was cocky in all the wrong places and his nerves seeped through his embarassed smile. 

"You'll grow to love me, promise," he winked again. "You ride?" 

"No, I've never been particularly interested. 

"Then why did you choose to live here?" Cas frowned. 

"Sam said I didn't have to be involved." 

"True." 

"Though he also said I could give it a go. I was planning on giving it a go, you have a beautiful set of horses out there." Dean nodded. 

"We've had a lot of them since they were foals, they've grown up with us." Cas' heart was touched and for a brief moment his embarassment faded until Dean looked him up and down again. "You're in your underwear," he noticed, puckering his lips. 

"Yeah, I- sorry I-" 

"Don't fret, we're housemates. It's all good." 

"Well I better get back to bed now that I know you're not a murderer," Cas laughed painfully. 

"Night," Dean smiled. 

"Goodnight." Cas backed away and sped up the stairs, leaning his head against his arm on the door.  _Now that I know you're not a murderer, oh come on Cas,_ he cursed to himself and fell into his room with a sigh. He pressed his face into his pillow until he had to reach up for air and rolled over onto his back, placing his glasses on the table. Dean managed to thud up the stairs gauging from the sounds outside his door and he seemed to have managed to locate his room. It was next to Castiel's as Cas listened to him fiddle around with something in the wardrobe against the shared wall before finally settling back into silence. 

"I'm such an idiot," he said out loud and heard a chuckle from next door.  _Crap._  

 


	2. Family Is Important

Sam knocked on Castiel's door just after 7:30 and quietly told him breakfast would be ready soon if he chose to join them. He tried to make it sound as little like he was forcing him to get up as possible as that was not the case at all. Castiel had joined the household in the knowledge that the usual routine did not directly have to affect him, but they couldn't not let him sit for breakfast - it was scrambled eggs and bacon after all. 

The smell of frying bacon eventually drew Cas from his bed and he pulled on his jeans before arriving downstairs to avoid another embarassing situation. But as he entered the kitchen, the other four residents of the house were all stripped down too, both Sam and Dean in boxers and t-shirts and Jess and Jo in tank-tops and shorts. They all rubbed their eyes sleepily and drank coffee in big gulps before Sam served up the food and they all sat down. 

"Morning," they chorused as Cas took his seat and he smiled round the table. 

"Sleep well?" Sam asked and glanced to Dean who was staring intently at their new addition. 

"I did, Alfie did get me up but it was easy enough to fall asleep again," Cas chuckled and tapped the retriever's head to had taken up a position beside him. Dean's gaze softened but he continued to watch him with those seductively green eyes. 

"If you don't want him just send him out, he'll understand," Jess sighed and put a cupful of dry food in Alfie's bowl. Rosie came tumbling through the door at the sound of the food hitting the metal bowl and Jess had to open up her tin of puppy stuff to put into hers. There was no sign of Tilly. 

"He's alright, it's nice to have something to cuddle in bed," Cas grinned cheekily and his eyes flicked to Dean's who was half-smiling in his direction. 

"We were thinking about taking you up to see ol' Farmer Singer up the way, he will probably have some work for you to do," Dean said and Sam nodded. 

"Yeah, we'll drive if you don't want to ride, too." Cas thought about this for a second and since he was sporting a  'shoot first ask questions later' kind of attitude, he accepted the offer to ride up to the farm. It wasn't too far away anyway. He'd sat on a horse before but it didn't go very fast and a strong-looking woman had a tight grip on the lead rope of his short legged pony. For some reason, he knew this situation would be very different. 

"We'll quickly wash up and get dressed then and give you a quick practice run before we're due up," Dean suggested. The girls took the task of cleaning the dishes to let the boys go and they sped up the stairs to get ready. 

The Winchester brothers got dibs on the showers first; Cas knew that dibs was the only way to survive in a house of five people. He waited patiently in the hallway with his book and his clothes until Dean came from one of the bathrooms. 

It was your typical movie moment when the hot dude comes out of the bathroom enveloped in steam and dripping with that scorching water than runs down his flawless, naked torso. Cas had to admit his breath hitched as he caught sight of him but he refused to give in to the cliché. 

"Shower's free," Dean winked with a sly smile and side-stepped into his room. Sam did the same at the other end of the hallway from the other bathroom, his perfectly tanned skin and broad shoulders glistening under the top light. Cas didn't know which way to look. He slammed his book shut, tossed it to his bed and skipped to the shower gleefully. 

 

"Are you wanting the grey?" Sam called as Cas and Dean approached him by the stalls. Cas nodded and patted the horse's neck. 

"If that's cool," he said casually, poorly hiding his nerves. 

"We'll see, none of us have really got a chance to do anything with him. But he seems docile enough, you should be fine," Sam grinned and put a headcollar over the horse's head. "We still need to give him a name, too." Cas shrugged his shoulders, searching the blank face for any kind of personality trait. 

Dean threw a saddle onto the animal's back and secured the girth, testing it for movement before standing back and letting Cas at it. Castiel put a foot in the left stirrup and, holding onto the horn and the reins, heaved himself up into the saddle with an uneasy thump. The horse stirred beneath him, momentarily paralysing Cas with fear before he settled back down again and it was fine to place a hand on his neck. 

"No sudden movements," Dean laughed and kitted Ollie out as he swiftly returned from the tack room. Pip was already waiting and Sam leapt up into his saddle. 

"Hold the reins like this," he instructed and moved Cas' hands accordingly when he sided up next to him. Pip nuzzled the grey's chin as a sign of affection. "Give him a little nudge with both heels and he'll move, steer him with the reins and you're good to go." Dean came up Cas' other side and just as he was about to head off following Sam to the school, Dean put his hand on Cas' backside and shoved him forward a bit in his seat. 

"Don't sit too far back, you'll hurt him," he winked and trotted ahead of him. Cas' face flushed red, glad Dean had sped ahead. 

Castiel was comfortable with his new companion in less than no time, at a walking pace at least, but that was all they needed him to accomplish at this early stage. He'd been at this house for almost 24 hours and already felt like he was an important part of the household, he had his horse. He hoped. The grey was easy and comfortable to ride, not that Cas had any background experience but he enjoyed the journey up to the farm. 

A dishevelled looking man with a dirty cap and boots waved at them from the front gate and opened it to let the three of them in. They dismounted in a small enclosed pasture and removed the saddles and the reins, leaving the headcollars on for easy transportation. 

"Castiel, this is Bobby Singer. Bobby, Castiel," Sam introduced and Cas shook the farmer's hand firmly. 

"Nice firm handshake, I hope you're strong, boy," Bobby smiled with a serious undertone to his gesture. 

"I will do my very best," Cas promised. 

They spent the best part of the morning shovelling pig excrement from the already muddy sty, Cas' boots sank deep into the mud and got confused as to what he was supposed to be shovelling. It all looked the same. Dean had to explain several times that they very rarely had to clean this place, the pigs normally lived in their own waste but sometimes enough is enough. The pigs came to investigate their visitors before they proceeded to roll in the mud at Cas' feet much to his displeasure. He turned his nose up and sighed. 

"This is gross," he complained. He flicked a bit of mud from the end of his finger and scowled at the ground. 

"It sure is," Dean laughed and caught Cas' gaze momentarily. He winked mischeviously and turned back to his shovel. A shy smile spread across Cas' lips and suddenly felt good enough to carry on with his work. Sam's beautifully conditioned hair was drenched in sweat by the time they'd finished and his plaid shirt stuck to his back, Dean's white t-shirt clinging to his own body too. Cas shook off his own t-shirt and sighed as the cool air wafted over his hot skin and Bobby returned to them to see how they were getting on. 

"Fancy minding the cows?" he said. 

Much to Cas' relief, they didn't have to do much by way of dealing with the cows. They just had to stand there and monitor the pumps attached to their udders and make sure none of them collapsed or anything like that. 

"Settled in yet?" Sam chuckled and took a bite out of his apple. Cas shrugged with a contented smile. 

"Yeah, actually. You guys are so active, I'd have felt out of place sitting in doing nothing all day," he said with his innocent puppy eyes. 

"You can ride whenever you like," Dean pointed out. "The grey seems to have taken to you." Sam nodded. 'The grey' needed to be changed, a name was in desperate need. 

The sun had come out and was beating down heavily on the boys as they sheared sheep in the pen. Sweat dripped from their foreheads and their shirts clung to their bodies with the heat. They had to catch the sheep before they could shear them which was essentially a three man job, Cas proved not to be much help as he just flailed whenever one came charging towards him. 

"Stand still, Cas!" Dean cursed and missed the sheep they were after by milimetres. It kept running away from Cas who kept running away from the sheep, it was all a big mess. Sam firmly gripped Cas' shoulders and applied gentle pressure, forcing him to stop and stand still. "Don't move!" Sam cornered the animal, towering high above it and Dean grabbed it around its stomach with strong arms. Cas laughed as the sheep struggled in his arms and bleeted in panic. Sam put two hands on its face and stroked it gently and Dean could loosen his death grip around its stomach, exhaling with relief. 

"Now, just stay calm," Dean instructed and slowly but surely he could set the sheep down on all four legs and restrain it like normal. The shears buzzed and the wool fell from the animal into little clumps on the ground, which Cas was told to pick up. His previous position of being sheep catcher had been reformed so now he had to do the easiest task on the farm. The wool was collected in big plastic bags which they had to haul back to Bobby's house; they were a lot heavier than they expected. 

The sheep had sufficiently exhaused Dean and he slumped down in the dirt, his brother laughing at him from the clouds. 

"Worst job," Dean panted and swiped Sam's hand from his hair. Cas shrugged, he hadn't done much. He chuckled down at him as he breathed heavily and wiped his forehead. 

"So this is what you guys do, huh," he thought out loud and the Winchesters nodded proudly. 

"Course, this is only what, two or three times a week? We're out with the horses at shows and training most of the time," Sam explained. Bobby brought them out a beer each before retreating back to his own work somewhere else on the farm. Cas looked to the pasture and saw their horses grazing quietly, content with the sun and the clear skies. 

"What is that all about?" Cas asked and sipped the ice cold beer. He sighed as he swallowed the refreshment. 

"Jo does dressage and the rest of us do showjumping. We do several  competitions a year and there's always some place to go abroad to compete. Last year we went to New Zealand for a week, went to some conventions did some shows. It's great fun, costly though. Which is why sponsors are such a huge deal," Dean said and fixed his gaze on Castiel's. Cas knew that eye contact was good manners when speaking to someone, but his green eyes were so mischevious that his heart fluttered a little. 

"Sponsors?" 

"Yeah, if we do well in competitions nearby, people will sponsor us and send us off to compete elsewhere. It's a win win situation when you put your money in the right place." Sam took a long drink from his beer and tickled the head of one the sheep in the pen behind him. 

"We already get a lot of money from a couple of the show jumping organisations anyway but every little helps," Sam smiled and gestured to the farm. "Bobby pays us quite a bit to fix up his farm a couple times a week which pays some of the rent and then Jess and Jo make up the rest through the lessons. We have a lot of money coming in but it almost instantly goes," he frowned slightly. 

"Never a dull moment," Cas chuckled. His momentarily distracted gaze flicked back to Dean's who was watching him intently again. He could feel his eyes on the bare skin of his arms and underneath the already blazing sunshine he grew hotter. 

"We travel a lot too, so, you could say that." 

Cas' heart sank a little when Sam uttered the words; he'd be on his own a lot? He could hardly go with them, he'd be another expense since he wouldn't be riding and probably just get in the way. But he knew that the horses would separate them somehow before he accepted the offer to move in. He just hadn't thought it would be so soon. 

"You might have to deal without us for a few days," Sam said, a hint of sadness in his tone. Dean turned his head to his brother worriedly before he realised what he was doing and softened his features. 

"Surely not, we'll see what happens. Another rider in the house? We can train you up, get a little extra cash," he grinned optimistically and looked between Cas and Sam. Sam nodded hopefully and Cas wasn't sure if he was just humoring him. 

"Yeah," he smiled. 

Bobby let them go not too long after and handed them a small envelope filled with money to each of them. He thanked his newest recruit for helping out the two knucklehead Winchesters and they grabbed their horses and left. It was almost four o'clock, Cas hadn't realised quite how long they'd been here. He was exhausted. That was the most physical exertion he'd experienced in a long time. Dean rode Ollie close to him and his grey, glancing to him from time to time, the butterflies in Cas' stomach still fluttering.

"I'm gonna go up the trail for a bit, I'll see you guys for dinner," Sam announced and turned Pip in the opposite direction to a narrow trail that went through the trees.

With their buffer gone, Cas suddenly felt really awkward riding with Dean who was still so close to him. They rode in silence and for some reason Cas couldn't shake the weirdness. Dean sat perfectly comfortably with an easy smile on his face, yawning from time to time and patting Ollie's neck, still close to Cas. Cas scratched the back of his neck with his free hand and as the grey shifted underneath him slightly he panicked, yelped and his hand flew back to the reins, Dean buckled over with laughter. He pushed Cas' chest back up to a normal sitting position as he'd almost completely flattened his torso against the horse fearing for his life. 

"If you fall, you'll hit mud," he chuckled when he managed to control his laughter. "Oh, Cas." Cas' body flushed red hot as he said those two words breathlessly and Dean looked mischeviously at his reddened face. "Have you thought of a name yet?" 

Finally, a topic of conversation. 

"I haven't," Cas replied with a shrug. 

Silence. 

Dean settled back into his own little bubble of comfortable silence, Cas twirling his thumbs. 

 Jess and Jo were in the midst of making dinner when they got back, a little early for the evening meal but Cas wasn't going to complain. He helped them out by peeling a few carrots and cutting them accordingly whilst the girls talked enthusiastically about their day. Apparently a teenage boy they'd been teaching for a long time got his first rosette at an amateur showjumping competition not long back and he'd been eager to show them his skills. He always brought his own horse up too, a beautiful bay with strong legs and good posture. Jo had tried to persuade him to take up dressage but he'd always been adamant that he wanted to be a showjumper. 

"Dressage sounds a lot harder than showjumping," Cas thought out loud, not realising he'd actually spoken the words and both Jo and Jessica turned to look at him, Jess looking offended and Jo, smug. 

"See," Jo sniggered. 

"Dressage does require a lot more technicality, sure, but showjumping requires stamina and efficiency," Jess snapped.

"Now now ladies," Dean warned and set two glasses on the table, indecisive about the third. "Cas, you want a beer?" 

"Please," Cas replied and shot Dean an inquisitive smile. 

Sam got back just as they were sitting down to eat and for the second night in a row, Castiel had a communal meal with people that actually tolerated him, and tolerated him well. He had his first beer among friends at the dinner table and he smiled constantly, so much so that by the time he'd got half way through his meal his cheeks hurt. The humour that bounced around each member of the table was witty and light and the Winchester brothers teased each other something awful. But it was fine, it was family. 

Cas still sat on the outskirts of the family unit and listened to and observed their ways, mentally noting each pet peeve and the quirks and habits of each individual person. It wasn't much to go on, but it was enough for him to at least brush the surface of trying to be included properly and he hoped that soon he'd get there. For one thing, he knew not to speak lowly of dressage in Jo's presence and that since she was the only one competing for dressage, that sometimes even showjumping was a touchy subject. But Jo was well adjusted to the taunting and she didn't really mind, but if Cas was going to stay in her good books, being the newest member of the group, then he knew not to address it.

As for Jessica, the warmth from her kind heart just radiated throughout the group as did Sam's, Cas couldn't put two people more perfect for each other together. She just oozed compassion, that twinkle in her eye almost making her a mother figure to the rest, her uncanny ability to diffuse a tense situation was almost textbook. Of course, these tense situations were between the Winchesters normally, or Dean and Jo, and Jessica knew how the brothers ticked. Cas took one look at Sam's big puppy eyes and well conditioned hair and just melted. 

Dean Winchester, however, was still a mystery. He was a flirt with a cheeky look in his eye that screamed sex appeal and he was very forward when showing interest. But Cas could sense some deep, underlying emotion beneath the rugged and outgoing exterior. There was something about his green eyes that wasn't quite content; it was something just beneath it. Cas liked him though, he  _really_  liked him. The way the muscles in his arms tensed as he worked that shovel in the pig sty and the way his skin glistened in the burning sunlight with the sweat... 

 _Shake it off, Cas, shake it off._ He caught himself daydreaming and when he returned to reality the four of them were looking at him strangely. 

"Nice dream?" Dean asked with a grin and put a forkful of pasta in his mouth.  _Yes, thank you._

"Sorry, got carried away," Cas chuckled awkwardly and pushed his glasses up his nose. They sank back into conversation again and Cas could return to his fantasy land. 

 

Cas was sat reading his book in bed a few hours later, sleepily rubbing his eyes as he tried to finish the chapter when he heard the faint plucking of a guitar coming from the room next door. At a glance to his phone on the table he learned that it was 2am - man, he'd been reading for a long time - but he couldn't blame the musician for playing at this time. When he had been a student he'd often find a practice room at 2am and sit and play, there would be no one around and there was nothing like the sound of soothing piano music in a small dimly lit room. His own bubble of tranquility. 

He swung his legs off his bed, narrowly dodging Alfie's head and quietly tip-toed out into the corridor and pressed his ear to Dean's door. He wasn't playing anything recognisable but he hummed along, playing a counter melody on his guitar. A floorboard creaked beneath Cas' weight and he winced, hearing the music stop. Light footsteps neared the door and Dean opened it swiftly, smiling embarassedly as he lay eyes on Castiel. 

"Sorry, I-," Cas stuttered, looking anywhere but at Dean. 

"It's fine. Do you want to come in?" For a split second Cas felt his body go cold before enough warmth returned to him so that he could nod furiously and work his legs. A lamp provided a subdued light on the simplistic room and the moonlight shone through the window onto Dean's bed at the end of which Rosie had curled up. "She likes the music," Dean smiled in the dim light and sat back near his pillow. He patted the space next to him. 

"I'll sit here, it's cool," Cas said and sat himself down in the wicker chair opposite Dean. Dean raised an eyebrow at him and patted his bed more firmly this time. "Honestly, I'm cool." He shrugged and put his guitar back into his lap. 

"Sam tells me you are a fellow musician too," he wondered. 

"He was not lying," Cas chuckled. "Though I wish I hadn't pursued it at university." Dean began to pluck another tune, again one Cas didn't recognise, and he hummed along too. He managed to completely shut Castiel out and focused on his fingers. Cas watched in wonder at how distant his eyes suddenly came and how he relaxed as soon as the sounds hit his ears. This was a new Dean. Well, as far as he could be new in the short time Cas had known him. 

"I agree, you should play because you enjoy it. Not because you have to," he sighed when he finished. In the dim light Cas could see Dean staring at him and his body grew hot. 

"You're good," he pointed out and nodded his head in the direction of his guitar. "Were you self-taught?" 

"No, definitely not. Well, not at first anyway. Learned some basics from a teacher and then, well, life happened." 

"I heard you compose too?" 

"Nothing much, I like to write music that fits with whatever it is I'm doing. I'll be out and suddenly just think, oh hey! That would sound nice with this and that..." Dean stopped himself as he realised he was rambling but Cas could have listened to him talk all day. He was tired and he kept rubbing his eyes, his voice croaky with the fatigue. 

"Sounds nice, actually," Cas comforted. "Can I have a look?" His shoulders suddenly tensed and his knuckles went white as he gripped the fretboard of his guitar. 

"I don't really let anyone see," he confessed and hung his head. 

"No no that's fine, I understand it can be personal." Dean retreated inside himself, curving his shoulders forward and looking down. Cas sat with his back rigid, terrified that he'd ruined their friendship. "Dean?" Dean patted the space beside him again and from fear of making things worse Cas crawled up on top of the sheets, his back against the wall. He brought his knees up to his chin and tilted his head towards Dean with worried eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispered and playfully poked the top of his hand. Dean smiled at him, turning to him. 

"I'm sorry too," he sighed. He began to play once more and Cas rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes, moving his hand to stroke Rosie's fur. He sat in contented quiet and listened until Dean suddenly stopped and Cas could feel him leaning over him. Before he could open his eyes Dean pressed his lips to his and began to kiss him with an odd sense of urgency. 

Unsure of what was happening, Cas panicked slightly and pushed at his chest with frantic hands. Dean sat back ashamedly and hung his head, not looking at him. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered and got off the bed. Castiel shook his head, quickly assessing the situation and decided that he was going to continue with the mindset he had had over the last few days; seize the opportunity before you talk yourself out of it. He held out his hand which Dean responded to immediately and climbed on top of Cas who was now lying flat on his bed. Dean gently kissed the side of his mouth before he realised there was a puppy a few inches from their feet. He picked sleeping Rosie up and carefully placed her in Alfie's bed in the hallway and skipped back to his room. 

He pressed his lips to Cas' and kissed him roughly, Cas snaking his hands up his t-shirt and running them over his back, the sweat on his hot skin making them glide. He dug his nails into the ridges of his shoulders as Dean invaded his mouth with his tongue, groaning into him, grinding his hips down on top of Cas, inticing little moans. He sucked at the skin of his neck and licked along his jawline, the light stubble scratching at his tongue before he nipped at his ear. Cas felt a new sense of trust and let himself be devoured by this man who so eagerly touched his body with his hands and mouth, making him feel things he'd never felt before in the quiet security of another man's bedroom. He pressed his thumbs into the V below his stomach and rotated them firmly, making Dean tremble as the heat swept up from Cas' touch to his head. 

Cas pulled his shirt over his head before removing his own and they swapped places, Cas running his nails down Dean's torso, his mouth trailing kisses after them. Dean gripped Cas' hair and shivers ran through him when Cas sucked at the skin just below his navel. Dean tried to go further but Cas wasn't going to let himself succumb entirely, so he pushed his face back into his and their tongues intertwined once more. Back on top of him, Dean grinded his pelvis down on top of Cas and Cas could feel himself letting go so he sat up and bit at his collarbone. The red marks left on Dean's skin made him grin and he murmured something against his teeth. But the deep beat of his heart and his heavy breathing made hearing the words impossible

Dean flattened his body on top of Cas' and put both forearms on either side of his head. He ducked his head down and kissed him lightly, repeatedly, feeling him squirm beneath him. Cas put his hands on Dean's waist and caressed it gently as they looked into each other's eyes, both pairs finally managing to focus long enough to make them melt. Dean trailed light kisses from the corner of Cas' mouth down to his collarbone and back again, listening to the accelerated beat of his heart and sighed into his neck.

"Well, I can't say I saw that coming," Cas smiled and kissed Dean's nose.  

"I'm a spur of the moment kinda guy," Dean laughed. That noise was pure happiness and it warmed Cas right to the core, the calming feel of his lips as they kissed lightly lulling him into sleep that had been trying to claim him for ages. 

"I'm sorry to spoil the moment, but I'm exhausted," he murmured. He trailed his fingers down Dean's bare chest and rubbed his eyes with the other hand. He tried to get up to leave but he was restrained and Dean slid down beside him against the wall. 

"Stay," he whispered and kissed his shoulder. 

"OK," Cas breathed and pressed his lips to his one more time before he curled up in the bend of his body, Dean's arms protectively around him. 

 

Both Dean and Castiel woke up a few hours later cosy beneath the duvet and close together. Dean outstretched his arms and brushed his hand back along Cas' sleepy face, kissing his nose. 

"Morning," he whispered. Cas moaned and shook his head, curling his arms up into his chest against Dean's. 

"I don't wanna move," he complained and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. 

"Good thing it's Sunday then, huh," Dean chuckled and ran his fingers along the stubble on Cas' jaw. Castiel felt the vibrations of his deep morning voice against his bare chest and spread his fingers out over the skin. 

"Talk more," he smiled innocently. Dean made a low grumbling noise at the back of his throat and Cas took his hand away with a laugh as the sensation ran up his arm. "Is Sunday a lazy day then?" 

"Pretty much, we clean out the horses on a Sunday but apart from that, lazy day." Cas smiled at the thought of not having to feel obliged to participate in his new housemate's busy schedule for just one day. He liked the idea of sitting around on a Sunday, obviously he'd help with the horses but not having anything else to do warmed him from the inside out. Claws scratched at the outside of the door and Alfie pushed it open with his nose, licking the fingers of Cas' hand that hung over the side of the bed. Cold air swept into the room and Dean pulled the covers up over their shoulders. 

"No early start?" Cas asked hopefully and put both hands back underneath the covers. 

"No early start." Dean kissed his forehead with a sigh and the reality of what was happening sunk in. 

He was in another man's bed that he'd known for two days. But strangely it felt OK. He was happy, warm and protected, like it was meant to be. He put his fingers back onto Dean's chest and shuffled himself closer, listening to the steady beat of his heart, satisfied with the mutual comfort. 

They had both dozed off by the time Sam had come to get them for breakfast. As he poked his around the half open door he gasped with shock (or surprise, he wasn't sure how intensely he felt about the situation) before relaxing into a relieved smile and gently rapped his knuckles on the door. The house was still asleep so Sam made sure he quietly informed the residents that food would be served in about 45 minutes, leaving enough time for them to come to their senses and make their way downstairs. 

Dean helped a very sleepy Cas into his t-shirt and put one of his own jumpers over his head as he watched him shiver with the cold. Cas wrapped his arms around his body and was guided out into the hallway and down the stairs to the kitchen. As his bare feet touched the cold stone floor of the kitchen, Cas jumped back with a yelp, bumping into Dean who closely followed him and narrowly avoided crashing to the ground. 

"Easy, tiger," Sam chuckled and steadied the two of them. "Cold?" Cas looked down at Dean's jumper on his body and smiled, nodding as he yawned. 

"Thanks, Sammy," Dean said as two bits of toast and some coffee was placed in front of him. 

"Do you guys always make breakfast for each other?" Cas asked, genuinely curious and as the words came out of his mouth he knew how pretentious they sounded. Sam, Dean, Jessica and Jo all turned to look at him but their expressions were not offended or judgemental. If anything they were a little pitiful. 

"We have our own little family here, we cater for each other," Jessica said sweetly, brushing her hair from her eyes. Sam kissed the top of her head and placed her cereal in front of her. "Sam is normally the first one up though and there's no point fighting over who gets to make breakfast." Jo waved her hand in Cas' direction, attracting his attention and held it until she finished her mouthful. 

"Yeah, plus we're normally up and out at the same time so we might as well," she nodded.  _Our own little family here, we cater for each other._ Cas watched as Sam placed toast in front of him at the table and it suddenly dawned on him that he was being included in their tightly knit family. He was surprised at how easy it was, hell, it had been so easy and run of the mill, he hadn't even noticed. Especially now that his relationship with Dean seemed to have escalated, quite literally overnight, the feeling of being a part of something huge was beautiful. 

The group sank into easy morning conversation with sleepy eyes and yawns and Tilly trudged heavily around the room, her belly hanging low. Hands reached out to tap her head when she neared and she mothered Rosie when the collie puppy poorly judged the distance of her leap and jumped head first into the leg of the table. Tilly's puppies were going to be well looked after. 

Sunday was a perfectly serene day. When breakfast was done and the dishes cleared away, Sam sat in the armchair in the living room with Jess cuddled up in his lap and they watched awful Sunday TV while Jo went to take Lily for a ride. Dean returned to his bedroom and put his guitar on his knee and as Cas went to enter his room, he heard the introduction to Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven' playing on his guitar, Dean humming the flute part. Cas leant against his door frame out of sight and rested his head on the wall, listening. His fingers were so flawless on the strings and his fluency was superb. 

"I know you're there, Cas," Dean sang in the tune of the flute part and Cas felt his face go red. 

"Sorry," he murmured shyly and peered round the door. Dean patted the space on his bed beside him again and memories flushed back to Cas, making him grin like a child. He hopped up onto the bed this time with no hesitation and crossed his legs, his hands in his lap. Dean continued to play and when the vocals began he turned to Castiel to sing, urging him to sing along. Cas hadn't heard the song a lot, from time to time maybe, but he didn't know it well enough to remember all of the words so he joined in on the little bits he knew and hummed along mostly. The chord progression was easy to anticipate in most instances and eventually he resorted to humming against Dean's chords. 

_Ooooohh it makes me wonder..._

Cas knew that part and harmonised as Dean sang the tune, making them both chuckle through the next bits and Cas held a note, an inverted pedal amongst the changing chords and together they managed to make it work. They made Stairway to Heaven a duet between a guitar and voices in imitation and it sounded good. 

"Shut it you two," Jo laughed as she skipped to the bathroom for a shower. 

Dean put a hand on Cas' face and brought it to his, the soft feel of his lips on his own and the smell of his own jumper combined with Cas' glorious scent made his head feel all light. Cas leaned over him and kissed him gently with his arms on either side of his head, ducking his head down to nip at the skin along Dean's jaw. He hadn't shaved for a day or two but Cas liked how rugged it made him. 

"Fancy a ride?" Dean breathed against his teeth and Cas' face flushed scarlet. Dean was overcome with laughter and put both hands on Cas' waist, squeezing his fingers as he kissed him between chuckles. "The horses." Cas recovered from his embarassment and the two of them got dressed, stepping into something warm as the weather looked like it was going to make a turn for the worst. 

 

"You really need to think of a name," Dean insisted when they turned off onto the trail. Ollie and the grey were feeling the lazy Sunday vibe and they ambled along, sticking their noses in the bushes of blackberries as they passed them. 

"I really can't decide," Cas whined. He'd tried to think of something but everything he'd come up with was either stupid or seemed completely out of place with the other names. 

"He's your horse, you'll need to call him something other than 'the grey' at some point." 

"He's my horse?" Dean turned to him with an almost patronising look. 

"Well, he knows you. None of us have had any time to do any extensive work with him and horses get attached just like their owners do." Dean rubbed Ollie's neck firmly and smiled down at his horse as he turned his head to look at him. Cas straightened his back and raised his chin a little, taking a firmer hold of the reins and broadening his shoulders. His horse, the grey was his horse. He owned a horse. A horse. 

"So much has happened to me and I've been here for three days, I don't think I've ever felt so lucky in my life," he grinned happily and patted the grey's neck. "I've been knee deep in pig excrement, I've attempted to catch and shear sheep, been in the process of milking cows, I've met an amazing man and apparently now I have my own horse. It's amazing." Castiel kept talking as the thoughts entered his head and the compliment towards Dean went seemingly unnoticed to him, despite saying the words. Dean smiled into himself, having assumed that Cas hadn't noticed and continued to smile as he listened to him talk about how brilliant everything was here. "I mean, for the first time in my life I've had two consecutive dinners with residents of the household. We even have breakfast together, it's insane." 

"You've not even brushed the surface," Dean chuckled and buried his fingers in Ollie's mane. "Three days isn't a lot in a place like this." 

"What do you mean?" 

"You haven't even got to the best parts, yet." The best part so far for Castiel had been making the rash decision to move in to this place. If he hadn't, he'd never have got to meet four people who welcomed him with open arms in their family unit. He'd never have met Dean and he'd never have shared intimacy with him. The thought of missing out on that pained Castiel, it was like Dean had completely invaded his mind, body and soul with a few brief moments of contact. 

"I can't imagine how this could get any better," Cas exclaimed and threw one arm up into the air, the coldness seeping down the sleeve of his coat and chilling him to the core. He withdrew his arm quickly and hugged is body tightly, grinning from ear to ear and trying to contain the sudden surge of adrenalin coursing through his veins. 

"When we get you riding properly, it will get so much better." 

Castiel stopped to think for a second and realised that the awkwardness between them had completely gone. He'd been sat here talking to a person who previously intimidated him and made his throat squeeze tightly shut. It was perfect. 

"In fact, let's go back and we'll take you to the school. Get you started." Dean leaned over as he turned Ollie and brushed Cas' thigh, squeezing it before he trotted off and with surprise Cas nudged the grey's sides and suddenly he started to go faster. Cas bobbed up and down on the horse's back, hearing his backside slap against the leather saddle with a very unsatisfying noise. He wasn't a big guy but he winced every time he hit it, only imagining the pain the horse must be feeling. 

"D-d-Dean!" he shouted between slaps and suddenly realised he had no idea how to make the horse stop. "Dean!" Ollie came to an almost immediate halt and the grey kept running straight past him, Dean laughing as he spurred the black stallion on behind him. "How do I make it stop?! 

"Pull!" 

"Pull what?!"

"The reins! Dumbass..." Cas jerked back the reins and the grey came to an abrupt stop, almost sending Cas flying over his head. His chin hit the horse's neck and as he tried to steady his dizzying head he breathed deeply in and out, focusing on the green of Dean's amused eyes as they came into sight. "You alright?" Dean placed both hands around Cas' waist and helped him down, letting him lean against him while he got clarity back. 

"Stopping is more important than starting," Cas moaned and Dean kissed the top of his head. 

"You ready to take things a little slower now?" 

 

The school floor was lined with some kind of soft stuff that Cas felt comfortable falling on. Dean even had him fall over from a standing position just so he knew what he was in for. Dean put Ollie back into his stall and worked with Cas and the grey one on one. 

Cas heaved himself back up into the saddle and took hold of the reins before Dean began his Horse Riding 101 session. 

"If you hold them like this you'll have a better grip and showjumping is a lot about staying on the horse," he ordered and put the leather reins between Cas' fingers and around his thumbs. "OK. Shuffle about in the saddle a bit, you'll settle in a position and I want you to try and stick to that position for this exercise." Cas flexed his hips in a few directions before he was comfortable enough. "Nudge his sides and while he's walking I want you to move your hips with his gait." The grey responded to the nudges and began to walk slowly, Dean walking beside him, observing Cas' hips. "You're trying to stay still, you can't stay still on a horse you're too rigid. Move with him, if you relax your hips should move up and down as he walks."

Dean put a hand on each of Cas' hips and pushed them down in time with the pace. "It's not a huge movement, but you're so rigid so I want you to emphasise it for me." Forgetting all of his dignity and self-control Cas suddenly began to thrust his hips up and down and was pleasantly surprised when his efforts were congratulated. "Now just fall loose, you'll notice how you move differently." He let his limbs go slack and just as Dean had said, he did feel different. "You'll feel safer too, kinda like you fit in with the horse." 

He did three laps of the school at a walking pace before Dean was satisfied and then it was time to crank it up a notch. 

"What we did earlier, or rather, what I did earlier was a trot. Little bit faster than a walk, not as fast as, running, shall we say." Cas stayed quiet. "From your blind panic I can assume you could hear the sound of your ass slapping the leather." Heat surged through Cas' body at that statement.  _Ass slapping the leather..._ "Cas?" Dean snapped his fingers in front of his student's eyes. 

"Yeah, sorry. Ass slapping leather." Dean raised a curious eyebrow before a sly smile crept across his lips. 

"Anyway," he said, clearing his throat. "I want you to focus on the horse's gait again. Pick one of his front legs." It was Cas' turn to raise an eyebrow this time. 

"Pick a front leg?" 

"Pick a leg, any leg." 

"Huh?" 

"Right or left?" Cas scratched his chin. 

"Left?" 

"Cool. Me too." Dean ran his hand up the grey's front left leg before he stroked his nose. "Trotting isn't fast but with you bouncing around on his back like a madman he's going to feel some discomfort so it helps if you rise up and down with his gait." 

"I'm going to need a demonstration," Cas said and bit his thumb. 

"Hop off, I've settled Ollie." Cas dismounted and stepping on relatively flat ground felt weird. Dean jumped up into the saddle and clicked his tongue as well as nudging the grey forward. They quickened to a trot and he demanded Cas' absent minded attention. "As he puts his front left leg down, you rise. You dont have to completely straighten out your legs, it's literally just so that your weight isnt crashing down on his back. And this is also where a good grip is nice to have on the reins." He moved up and down expertly and despite saying he had never done any extensive work with this horse he didn't look like he needed to. Dean wasn't even looking at the front left leg. 

"Looks too much like hard work," Cas winked. 

"Suck it up," Dean grinned and planted a kiss on his lips as he hopped off. "Up you go." He helped Cas back into the saddle and patted his shin. "You know what to do." 

Cas couldn't say he'd been any more scared for his life as the grey quickened his pace, so much so that any thought of sitting in any position other than that of the foetal where possible was completely gone. 

"Move!" Dean hollered and Cas couldn't respond. "Cas!" The grey steered himself around the school until Dean managed to grab a hold of the reins and bring him to a stop. "Cas?" 

"Sorry, I'll try again," Cas committed, disappointed in himself for letting Dean down. "I'll do it this time." He dug his heels in gently and they were off again. 

The slapping on the leather was distressing Castiel and he knew that this was his motivation to do what he'd been taught, as well as Dean hollering at him from the other end of the school. He turned to look at his mentor waving his hand at him and took the first brave step, pushing himself up in the stirrups. 

"Front left leg!" He fixed his gaze on the gait and after four more paces he managed to make it up and down before the fear set in again. "You're doing really well, Cas, keep it up!" Confidence forced the adrenalin around Cas' body as Dean praised him. He forced his legs to move him time and time again and soon enough he could see what Dean meant when he didn't look at the leg he was supposed to be following. It just sort of happened, the horse's next move was easy to anticipate once a rhythm had been established. "See, there you go!" Pride oozed from Dean's tone and he applauded his student with a stupid grin on his face. "Now stop him." 

The grey was brought to a relatively smooth stop a few feet away from Dean and he skipped up to him, pressing Cas against the horse's side. He put his mouth to his and his hands on his hips, grinning against Cas' teeth. 

"Did I do good?" Cas teased and bit at Dean's lip. Dean pressed his face into Cas' neck and sucked at the skin, using his teeth to gently nip between murmurs. 

"You did so  _well_ ," he breathed and licked along his jawline. The grey shuffled on his feet and put Cas off balance but due to Dean's desperately tight grip on his hips he managed to stay upright. "My favourite student."

"Caspian," Cas said suddenly. "Caspian, the grey can be called Caspian." 

"I'm glad you came up with a name, but why that gave you inspiration I don't know," Dean laughed and gently kissed his lips. Cas turned and put both hands on Caspian's neck. 

"I like Caspian. S'kinda like Cas, but with 'pian' instead of 'tiel'," he said matter-of-factly. 

"Sure is," chuckled Dean. "Caspian." 

"Caspian." The name suited the horse, he was quite majestic and the soft smokey colour of his coat seemed fitting for Caspian. Perhaps a darker shade would have been more suitable but Cas was content with his spur of the moment name choice. Dean put both hands on Cas' hips and breathed warm arm air into his neck. 

"Let's put him away and see what we can get up to upstairs," he teased and rotated his fingers just below Cas' navel. Cas gulped and worry spread across his features, Dean kissing them away. "We won't do anything you're uncomfortable with," he whispered, looking him straight in the eye. 

Cas let Dean lead him upstairs to his room when Jessica, Sam and Jo had left to go for a ride and shrugged off his battered leather jacket onto the floor. Cas stood awkwardly, unsure of what he should do and clasped his hands that hung uselessly. Dean took his glasses from his face and put them carefully on his bedside table before he slowly began to pull up his jumper that Cas still wore over his t-shirt. Cas pulled his arms from the sleeves and Dean removed his own jumper, taking his t-shirt with it and put both of Cas' hands on his bare hips before kissing his lips delicately. 

He shrugged him out of his t-shirt and backed him onto his bed, laying him down before leaning over him. 

"Just tell me when you want me to stop," he said, looking Cas dead in the eye and trailed kisses down his chest. Cas felt the heat radiate from every touch Dean made on the bare skin of his torso and he so expertly used his fingers to massage the areas his mouth had previously been. He was hot against him and as Dean hooked his thumbs over the top of Cas' waistband Cas' breath hitched. Dean's eyes flicked to his who looked worriedly down at him. He raised an eyebrow, softening his eyes and smiling reassuringly. "It's OK," he breathed and the warmth reassured Cas. "I'll go first," he said. 

He stood up and locked his gaze with Castiel's who was growing in confidence a little. Dean pulled off his own pants and underwear, standing naked in front of Cas, him being the vulnerable one. Cas entire body suddenly flushed red and the impatience was beginning to set in. Dean bit his bottom lip and grinned cheekily as he noticed Cas' pupils dilate and leant back over him, hooking his thumbs once more over the waistband. He removed them eagerly and tossed them to his own on the floor and flattened his body against Cas' with their lips locked. 

His tongue explored Castiel's mouth and Cas dragged his nails from Dean's hips to the ridges in his shoulders, the shivers he left on his back making Dean's body tremble on top of him. Dean bit and sucked at his neck with his hands beneath his head, carding his fingers through the dark hair. 

Cas could feel Dean getting hard on top of him and Dean began to pulsate his hips, bringing Cas out too. Cas moaned as Dean's hands snaked down to his navel and lightly ran his fingers over the hairs there, tickling him in places he never knew could make him feel so good. Dean edged his fingers down a little more, carefully watching Cas' face and lightly fingered his head with his thumb and forefinger. Cas knees went weak and the sensation shot up through his body straight to his head and made his lips more desperate for contact. 

"There is just something about you that gets me all hot whenever I see you," Dean murmured, grinning against Cas' teeth. He brought Cas' legs up and over his hips and moved his own length up and down between the ass cheeks, spreading his fingers over Cas' dick and moving them slowly. He hissed, Cas closing his eyes and sinking into paradise. "Do you reckon there is such a thing as love at first sight?"

Cas had his eyes closed and all he was really focusing on was Dean stroking him but his attention was caught when he spoke.  

"Absolutely," he breathed and nipped his jaw.

"Would you laugh if I said I thought it happened to me?" Cas caught his gaze with a serious look in his eye and smiled against his will, resisting the urge to cheer. If Dean was saying what he thought he was saying, then Cas was completely fine with this.

"Should I?" he winked. Dean tightened his grip and rapidly beat down on Cas' dick, making him cry out beneath him before Dean silenced him once more with his tongue.

"We need to be quiet," he chuckled. "They might be outside but the walls aren't soundproof." Cas refused to think about how he knew that. Droplets of precome lubricated Dean's hand and he could slow down again, taking in the sight of Cas' face distorting at his touch with a wicked grin. He still pulsated his hips up and down but he was more concerned with his partner. He sat up and massaged the insides of Cas' thighs with strong hands, holding his gaze and pressing his lips to his navel.  

"Dean," he murmured and closed his eyes again. 

"Did I do something wrong?" Dean panicked, the worry in his voice obvious. Cas clasped his fingers around his wrists and squeezed them gently. 

"No, no," he said with a smile. Dean sighed with relief, a little embarassed before he ducked his head down. He put his lips gently around Cas' head and sucked hard, suddenly, and Cas' entire body jerked with the sudden sensation and he cried out, clamping down hard on his mouth with his hand. 

"Ssh..." Dean soothed but his ego was exploding beneath the surface. He ran his hand up and down the shaft in a circular motion, licking at the head, tasting the precome that lubricated his tongue and made his own body grow hot. Dean pressed his thumbs into Cas' inner thigh and rotated them firmly, Cas groaning a couple of feet above him. Cas' body was on fire, the flames engulfing him with fiery pleasure and every now and then he had to remind himself where he was. He could feel himself slipping from reality. 

Dean stroked himself with his now free hand and took his mouth away. He leaned over Cas' squirming body and took both of their dicks in his hand, his long fingers curling around both of them and moved up and down, the two of them finding a rhythm to work with. Cas clasped his hand over Dean's, the other running up and down his thigh, all previous doubt or worry transformed into lust and pure sexual energy. 

He had no choice but to speed up as Dean did, the sweat drenching his torso and his breathing hitching with each thrust, Cas feeling his heavy heart beating erratically in his chest. He pulled Dean down to his face, removing his hand and put his own on Dean's length. He was running on pure instinct, there was nothing going on in his mind that told him what to do or what not to do, he just hoped that what he was doing was right. But Dean grinned against his teeth as he took control and groaned into him as he beat down. Dean sucked at Cas' nipples as he lay flat working his hand, and each time his breath hitched cold air shocked Cas and his head grew hotter and hotter. 

"Cas..." Dean hissed and with his teeth he bit gently at his collarbone. His name sounded good as it rolled off of his tongue.

Cas didn't know how much more he could take, the mixture of fire and ice soothed his soul and with this beautiful man on top of him whispering his name in his ear he knew there wasn't long left to go. He sped up his hand before Dean took it away and with one hand took his dick and the other his own and with a synchronized rhythm he rubbed until Cas had his fingers clawed into his bed sheets, his back arched, his toes curled and his mouth open, crying out his name as he climaxed. The hot sticky liquid dripped onto his stomach and Dean closely followed, licking the white from his skin with one smooth lick. He played with it in his mouth before swallowing with a grin and lay down on his beside him, running his fingers up Cas' arm. 

"You came out of your shell," he smiled and kissed Cas' shoulder. Cas still lay with his hands clawing the bed, his stomach rising and falling with the slow deep breaths he took to steady his heartbeat. 

"I-I-" he tried and Dean put a finger to his lips. 

  
  
  



	3. Starlit Secrets

"I feel stupid," Cas moaned as he stepped out of the changing room. 

"Stop complaining," Dean scolded and adjusted Cas' jacket. 

"Do they have to be beige?" 

"Yes, now shut up." Cas stood with his shoulders hunched and looked in the opposite direction while Dean fussed over his gear. "You are going to be a showjumper, your gear is the least of your worries." 

"But why do I need beige pants?" Dean huffed. 

"First of all, they are jodhpurs. Second of all, it's the done thing. And would you rather they were white? Jo wears white jods for dressage so consider yourself lucky." 

"It doesn't even go with the blue jacket, this is stupid." Dean cocked his hips and put his hands firmly by his sides, staring Castiel down. 

"Shut up, or you're not coming," he warned but to make things a little less hostile he planted a gentle kiss on his lips. 

"Fine," Cas surrendered. 

"Put your boots on." He stepped into knee high black leather riding boots and these were by far his favourite part of the outfit. He admired them in the mirror on the door and Dean put his helmet on his head. "There you go!" Cas wasn't sure how he felt about the whole set-up, then again, who was he to complain. He'd been riding for about five months and was still a novice, but it was enough to get him by when they went away for the competition next week. He wasn't competing but he could show a basic level of riding competence and apparently that was enough to keep him going. If anything, his excuse was he "came for more experience as a wannabe professional showjumper", as Dean had said several times. "Can we pay now or are you still busy complaining?" 

"I think I'm done," said Cas with a grin and he squeezed Dean's fingers. 

"Good," Dean smiled and kissed him again. 

The woman at the counter asked them both lots of questions, where they were going, what for, their horses, the competitors, the weather. She was a chatty little thing. She admired Dean's choice of a navy blue jacket and all Cas could do was shout in his head at how he didn't think it matched the beige jods. In a huff he shoved his glasses up his nose, wincing at the pain of the force and embarassedly set them back into place. 

They left the store, Dean smiling and Cas still bitter about the colour scheme. They got into Dean's shiny black 1967 Chevrolet Impala and Cas just swooned over the leather interior, running his hands along the cool leather and admiring the car inside and out. He had been in it before but it never ceased to amaze him. 

The two of them made dinner when they got back, Jessica and Jo watching protectively over the guys with the sharp knives and boiling water and offering their unwanted assistance when they weren't doing something quite right. 

"You're just getting in the way!" Dean cried as he quickly had to lift a pot of hot water as Jo ducked underneath. 

"You're doing it wrong," she said and turned the stove down, taking the pot from his hands and sprinkling some salt into the water. 

"I'm doing fine." Cas watched from the corner of his eye, a sly smile on his lips and watched the siblings bicker. That's essentially what they were, siblings. Dean was the annoying older brother who was full of himself and thought he could do everything, and Jo Harvelle was the little sister with the brains and the means to do anything she put her mind to. And that included getting her way with her brother. 

To Cas, he was still on the outskirts of the family unit and he continued to make notes of the perks and quirks of his housemates despite having been there for almost half a year. Even Dean was a closed book and he slept with him on regular occasions. Their relationship was a comfortable one, not particularly physical, they enjoyed each other's company and the nakedness was considered a massive bonus. 

"Stop fighting, ladies," Sam demanded and his brother huffed, rolling his eyes. "Dean you're doing it wrong." The girls shrieked an "AHA!" and Dean's face went scarlet, throwing down the tea towel onto the counter and sitting heavily into a kitchen chair. 

"You do it!" Sam stood up and for comedic effect he swished his hair back, breathed in deeply and strode towards the stove. Cas stood with his eyes glued to the chopping board upon which peeled carrots needed to be cut and Sam inspected the pots. He put more salt into the pot Jo had just added salt to and behind him he heard her take a sharp intake of breath, but said nothing. They were trying to prove a point here. Not finding anything else wrong, Sam had to think of something. 

So he swapped the two pots of boiling water over, one with a ham in it and the other with potatoes and adjusted the temperature before discreetly putting it back to its original setting. 

"See," he sniggered. Jessica and Jo giggled. 

"Why are you even in here? It won't be ready for another half hour," Dean complained. 

"45 minutes," Jo coughed and gazed out of the window to hide her correction. 

"Bite me," Dean murmured, his eyebrows knotted. Cas chuckled beside him and caught his gaze, Dean narrowing his eyes. "Don't you join in, bloody women." 

"That's my girlfriend you're talking about," joked Sam with an offended undertone. Dean shot him a death stare. 

"Control your woman," he sneered and Jessica laughed. Everything was meant in good humor, Dean didn't go out of his way to offend people. But if he'd been amongst the wrong crowd he'd probably either be dead or seriously injured by now. If you're going to live with Dean Winchester, you needed a sense of humor and an easygoing personality. Or at least get the upperhand and make sure he likes you. 

"I thought making dinner was supposed to be enjoyable," sighed Castiel sarcastically. This was the first time he'd properly been allowed to cook with Dean, well, to cook really. He'd 'assisted' Jo and Jessica but if you counted standing out of the way and maybe contributing slightly to the meal assisting then Cas had cooked a lot of dinners. 

"It is when Dean's doing it right," Jessica winked. The likeness this household had to a family still amused Cas. It really was like they were all brothers and sisters, apart from Sam and Jess. That'd be weird. But they bickered like siblings, even Sam and Jess, and they teased each other and knew that their love for each other was unconditional. On many occasions Cas had heard Bobby saying "family don't stop at blood" and the more time he spent with his housemates the more he believed the statement. 

"He's doing a wonderful job," he smiled. 

"You're biased," Sam pointed out through a mouthful of dry bread. Cas cocked his head, he supposed he was. 

When they sat down to eat, Sam made the announcement on behalf of himself and his housemates, that they weren't going to go abroad this year to compete so that they could train Cas up, get him some funding and hopefully take him next year. They were going to go upstate next week for a little competition and there were a few near the end of the year but they weren't travelling far. Cas stopped eating and stared at each individual member of the table, so many emotions running through him that he wasn't sure which one to express first. 

"What?" he said disbelievingly and Dean laughed. "Why?" 

"It hardly seems fair that we all go and leave you here on your own. Without extra funding we can't afford to take anyone else, so why not miss it this year?" Sam explained. He'd put his knife and fork down onto his plate and used his hands to help convey his point. 

"I don't mind staying here," Cas protested. He really wanted them to go, this was their life. 

"We do," smiled Jessica, her smile warm and compassionate. 

"Yeah, besides, we can save up our funds from this year and we can make a real good week of it next year. Hell, we could stay somewhere nice for a change and go out and do things we can't normally do," Jo pointed out and each person in turn nodded in agreement. The butterflies fluttered rapidly in Cas' stomach as he processed the information. Travelling and competing with their horses was their lives and essentially Cas felt like he was asking them to miss out on it because he showed up. 

"When did you decide this?" 

"We've been thinking it for a while, we reckon that by next year if we work you hard that we'll be able to take you. You might not compete as prestigiously as we do but it will be enough to get some funding for you," said Sam. 

"But I-"

"You won't change our minds," Dean interrupted suddenly, his gaze fixed on Cas'. "It's been decided and when we decide on something it is something we are all happy with and something that we don't go back on." 

"And I don't get a say in this?" Dean raised an eyebrow and winked, Cas melted. 

"Nope," he said. There was quiet for a few seconds before the burning questions in Cas' head just needed to be asked. 

"So where are you missing out on this year?" 

"We knew you'd feel bad, so we made a pact not to tell," giggled Jo and she looked innocently at Cas who glared back at her. 

"Well, as long as you're sure because honestly, I don't mind staying here," Cas said finally and carried on eating his dinner. 

"We're not leaving anyone behind," Sam said firmly but his natural warmth seeped through. 

 

Dean had Cas back in his jods and his jacket when his dinner had settled and they both headed out to the stalls to Caspian and Ollie. Ollie shifted impatiently in his stall when he saw Dean nearing with his saddle and bridle, Caspian more subdued and easygoing. 

"Is this necessary?" moaned Cas as he peered down at his jods. 

"If you complain one more time, I will strip you outside," Dean winked and Cas had to stop himself biting his lower lip.  _Hmm,_  he thought. He had to admit though, Dean's legs looked fabulous in the jodhpurs and his shoulders looked so defined in the blue jacket. He looked very out of place in all of his gear, like he should constantly be sporting jeans and leather jackets, but he'd always said you had to suffer for the art. 

The sun was setting overhead and it cast a lilac light throughout the sky, the soft orange clouds floating slowly by. A light breeze whispered past their ears and the hills were merely black silhouettes against the beautiful colours of the sky. It was so picturesque out here, Cas was still getting used to how beautiful it could be. The gravel crunched beneath the hooves of their horses, and when they entered the outside training ring they made a satisfying thud against the ground. Cas had memorised every little sound, every movement Caspian could make and the sound he made when he was distressed, when he was content and when he'd had enough. This was important, Dean had told him. 

Dean trotted ahead of him when he secured his hat in place and fixed Cas' on his head too, zoning out and forgetting everything around him. They went round and round the ring quietly, getting used to each other again. Cas sat and watched in the middle with his fingers spread over the grey hair of Caspian's neck. 

 "You better get moving," Dean warned. He may have been in his own world but he knew where Cas was at all times. Cas nudged Caspian to a slow start and caught Ollie up. "Follow me." The jumps hadn't been set very high. Sam put them up a lot higher when he was out with Pip as he was a few hands taller than Ollie, Maia or Lily so Dean had to make sure they were reasonable for the rest of them when he went to practice. Caspian stood a little taller than Ollie too, but the fact that even he was shorter than Pip emphasized how tall Peregrin actually was. 

Dean breezed over the first, leaning forward and standing slightly in the stirrups. Cas followed. The second came just as easily as the first did for the two of them as did the third. It was becoming more of a calming down exercise than genuine practice. They did the round a couple of times before heading up the trail as the sky darkened the further, the lilac deepening to a beautiful shade of violet. 

"I know your annoyed about us skipping out on the competition this year," Dean sighed and caught the brilliant blue of Cas' eyes. Cas smiled at him genuinely and fiddled with the reins in his hands. 

"I'm not annoyed," he said. "I'm more concerned that you think you  _have_  to miss it, I mean, I know how important this all is to you." Dean's face softened. 

"I'm really not fussed," he confessed, a sad look in his eye. "I love Ollie and I love what I do, but there comes a point in a man's life when you wonder if there is anything else you could do." Cas wasn't sure how to react, Dean had always seemed so adoring of what he did, like that kind you get when you can't think of anything else in the world that you'd rather be doing. It was like music for Cas, showjumping and Ollie to him was the refreshing air you breathe when you wake up in the morning. 

"But you're so devoted to this," Cas said and cocked his head. 

"I didn't say I didn't love it, I just wish there was something else I could do." The two statements contradicted each other and Castiel tried to make sense of them in his head. 

"What else would you like to do?" Dean shrugged and huffed a laugh. 

"I have no idea," he said and stroked Ollie's neck. "What can I do? I can't leave ol' Oliver here. I'm in, I can't get out again." He lovingly patted his horse's neck and Cas was beginning to notice how strong a bond the two of them had. Ollie responded to his touch with a shake of his head, like he was returning the compliment. They rode in silence for a little while whilst Cas tried to think of something to say that might cheer him up. 

"You could do something with music," he suggested and Dean shook his head. 

"No I couldn't," he sighed. 

"You could compose." Dean humored the idea for a while and Cas knew he was humoring him. It pained him slightly, that Dean thought his compositions would go nowhere, he had so little faith in himself and Cas had so much. "You compose and I'll play. We'll be the ultimate duo," Cas chuckled and reached out to put a hand on Dean's arm. "You have the ability to do what you want, do so." 

"Where have you been all my life," Dean laughed and stroked the fingers on his arm. 

"Waiting to give you a firm kick up the ass." 

"And today is not that day my friend." Dean leaned over and pulled Cas to him, kissing him gently. "I'm so glad you impulse rented your room." 

"Me too," smiled Castiel and the two of them held hands as they carried on. 

 

"If you don't hurry up I'm going to leave without you," Dean called up the stairs to his brother who was still fussing over his gear. 

"I can't find my jods!" Sam shrieked and his heavy footsteps thudded on the wooden floorboards. The five of them were set to leave today and while Cas, Jess and Jo put the horses into the trailers Dean had run inside to hurry Sam along. 

"I told you to make sure you had everything last night," he huffed and hung his head. 

"I know, Dean," growled Sam and dropped his bag from the landing to the floor in the hallway. "I don't want to have to buy more." 

"Are these Sam's?" Cas asked, holding a pair of beige jodhpurs in his hands when he found Dean. "They were in my case, they look far too big to be mine." Dean laughed and took the jods from his hands, waving them up at Sam who still searched frantically around his room. 

"Sam," he called and the tall Winchester brother almost collapsed with relief when he set his eyes on his own gear. 

"Thank God," he breathed and took two stairs at a time to the lower level. "Let's go!" 

Jessica ran inside to put Rosie back in her bed and left a note for Bobby on the kitchen table regarding food. Tilly's puppies were bouncing around now, six beautiful blonde retrievers and no matter how hard Tilly and Alfie tried, they just could not contain them. So Jess had made sure that in her note she told Bobby to keep the child gate on the living room door closed at all times. All the cables and breakables had been removed from the living room and the furniture covered so that puppy claws couldn't ruin anything, and infinite amounts of chew toys had been littered across the floor to try and reduce the boredom levels. She left a $20 bill on top of her note and signed the paper with a smiley face and hopped back out to finish the last of the preparations. 

Dean had very reluctantly agreed to leave the Impala at home for this weekend, after all, fitting a horse trailer to the back would make him more nervous than leaving it behind. So Bobby lent them three of the trucks he had lying around for the farm and Dean, Sam and Jessica each took some horses. It was a matter of rock paper scissors between Dean and Jo on who got to ride on their own and Jo, still not used to Dean's constant use of scissors, drew the short straw. She had to ride on her own. Jessica hugged her tightly as a sort of apology and they split up, Jess with Sam and Cas with Dean. 

"I want Lily in my trailer then," Jo demanded and swapped Maia with her bay. 

Cas and Dean's trailer was alive with classic rock, the windows wound the whole way down and bad singing for all the world to hear as they sped down the highway with gleeful songs in their hearts. Cas fed his driver hard boiled fruit sweets and coke from time to time and talked about nothing in particular when Dean wasn't singing along to Highway to Hell. The sun blared overhead, the rolling dusty plains on both sides almost as breathtaking as the sights back home and when Cas glanced in the rearview mirror at Sam and Jess behind them, they too were enjoying the scenery and their choice of good music. If this was what the journey was like, he was excited to think of what the event would be like. 

They stopped at a diner about two hours off their destination and they all sat down to burgers and fries in which they so rarely indulged themselves in. Dean melted as he took his first bite of the greasy, fat filled meat and even considered eating it slowly to savour the flavour. Sam was embarassed as he watched his brother eat, but he couldn't deny the beauty of the rarity. 

Jo was sour because she was riding on her own and Jessica offered to sit in with her for the remainder of the journey and Sam was fine to have her leave. The compassion that man had never ceased to amaze Castiel, still sat on the outskirts of the family unit. 

After a toilet break and a check on the horses they hit the road again and this time they didn't stop until they got there. 

The trucks rolled over the grass in the field, between crowds of people parting to let them through and dogs chasing balls thrown by children. Countless numbers of horses littered the grounds tied to caravans and the outsides of their trailers and people kitted in jods and jackets patrolled the field with crops and hats under their arms. All Castiel could think about was how hot they must be with all that gear on and was momentarily pleased that he didn't  _have_ to wear his.

Castiel had asked why they had brought Caspian if he wasn't competing and apparently the answer had been simple. There was no one around to look after him, Bobby was too busy and stables were too expensive. Plus, they might as well have taken him. He'd keep Cas occupied during training sessions if he needed to. 

They found their designated spot amongst the higher skilled of the show jumpers and parked beside each other, Jo dangerously close to Sam. He signalled to her that she'd have to move and she threw her hands in the air, Jessica laughing beside her. Jessica got from the truck and stood behind the trailer so that Jo could see her and directed her backwards, watching the trailer turn to the side. Jo was going to have to make a circle and come back again. 

"Well isn't that a breath of fresh air," Cas laughed as he stepped out of the truck, closing the door firmly behind him. Dean breathed in the rich, horse-filled air and spread his arms wide in a much needed stretch. 

"Smells like home," he shrugged and busied himself with the trailer. 

"I'm actually disappointed they don't do shows here often," Sam thought out loud and lead Pip down the ramp. The huge dun bay appreciated the fresh air as he lifted his head up to sniff out his competition and Sam tied him to a bar on the inside reachable through a little door at the side. This way he could also poke his head inside and snack on the hay in the net. 

"Last time we were here was what, two years ago?" Dean wondered. Ollie stood proudly by his side with his head high, his black coat shining brilliantly in the sunlight. He was so majestic, Cas thought. 

"Shame," sighed Sam. Maia stood beside Pip and Caspian by Ollie, Dean handing out beers from a cooler he had had in the back of his truck the whole way here. 

"Take in the sights boys," he said and sipped the ice cold beer. 

Their neighbours for the weekend waved at them from their own trailer, holding floral china cups of tea and nodding their heads politely. Two bays were tied to a metal pole they had fixed into the ground and chewed contently on the grass at their feet. Sam, Cas and Dean, all leaning against the hood of Dean's truck raised their beers to the couple, silently judging them. They had a fancy trailer to sleep in with running water and some form of heating. These guys had sleeping bags and blankets to put in the backs of the trucks and some tarpaulin to cover the top should it rain. 

It wasn't much, but they were happy. 

"I'm sweltering," Cas whined and fanned his t-shirt, pressing the bottle to his forehead. 

"Take your shirt off," Dean said casually and took his jacket off. 

"No thanks," Cas decided and playfully nipped Dean's arm. 

Two ripped, tanned, tall men passed them with their shirts off and ridiculous white shorts that looked too short for them baring their toned legs and Cas looked at them with dismay. He'd expected a little more class from a show like this. It was hot, he had to give them that, but those shorts. Oh dear. And the fact that they matched. No no. 

A man with a clipboard approached them wearing tight jeans and a black t-shirt like he was someone of great importance around here. He greeted them with a wave and a smile that just screamed egotistical and put the clipboard and a pen into Sam's hands. 

"Sign in!" he cheered enthusiastically, making jazz hands in the air. Sam looked from the man to the clipboard full of names. 

"So do you just hide out and wait for new people to turn up?" Dean asked, expecting a sarcastic answer to meet his sarcastic comment. 

"I do, actually. It's my job as lookout!" said the man and he nodded graciously when his belongings were handed back to him. "Aha, showjumpers? We don't have many of those this year." He looked to the ground, a little disappointed, before his stupid smile and bright eyes returned and he hopped further round the field, seeking out more newcomers. 

"Right we better get geared up," announced Sam and he slapped his brother on the shoulder. They had to change awkwardly in the front seats of their trucks, Cas standing guard like the good friend he is, making sure prying eyes didn't violate them. They'd like what they saw, but it was purely for some kind of moral upstanding. He held Dean's helmet while he did up his jacket and stepped into his boots, two actions he couldn't do when he was hunched over in the truck and Sam was a sight to see. All 6ft 4 of him struggled to manoeuvre himself into his jods and his long arms were virtually impossible to get into his shirt. He fell out of the truck, landing on his hands on the grass, his hair in his eyes and redfaced like he'd just been doing extensive exercise. 

"There we go," Dean laughed and heaved him up to his feet. They saddled up Pip and Ollie and took off for the practice ring. 

Castiel had an hour or so to kill on his own.

The field was teeming with people, some riders, some not. A lot of children pestering other people's horses and escaped dogs ran like demons through crowds of surprised teenagers, spilling drinks and disrupting conversations. Several rings were dotted around the field, each one set up for the correct discipline and lots of smartly dressed men wearing sunglasses and shiny shoes sat atop small podiums in comfortable chairs.

The air hummed in Castiel's ears and he breathed in the smells.  _So this is what it's like,_ he thought. 

This was the first time in his life that he'd ever felt like he owned his own life, that what he did was up to him and there was no one to tell him otherwise. If he wanted a beer, he'd have a beer. If he wanted to go out he'd go out. If he wanted a horse, he could have a horse. What had happened to him in the last few months had quite literally been life changing, nothing like what he used to be. 

Castiel was no longer the guy who sits indoors all day with his nose buried in a book like a hermit drinking coffee. Throughout his education he'd always been the weird one, the socially awkward freak that people did their best to avoid. Castiel was a brilliant musician and his head was filled with useful knowledge, life had just been unfair to him. 

Then he'd seen the advert in the paper for this house. At first he'd turned his nose up at the thought of living in a house with more than one other person. He'd always fancied an apartment where he wouldn't have many flatmates if any at all, he could carry on being reclusive and live like he always had done. With no one. In a way, Cas was glad that nowhere had been suitable because he'd never have moved in if there had been anywhere else. His brother was bossy and arrogant, his little sister pushy and rude. 

Hearing Dean's gruff, out of breath voice answer the phone to his call had almost been like a breath of fresh air, he could feel the change in his bones the minute they made contact. Cas had laughed at how informal the whole thing had been, he'd expected visits and paperwork and lots of words of warning. But he'd shown up, been shown around and decided there and then. It had been as easy as breathing. 

He had a family now. Sam and Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore and Jo Harvelle. They made breakfast for him in the morning and they sat together, sleepy eyed and yawning. When dinner came they were all sufficiently tired and conversation was pleasant and well rounded, the air loose with mutual respect for one another. Castiel could wake up in the morning and not have to worry about anything. 

That was the best part. 

There were no siblings to talk down at him or peers to poke fun. Food was always in the fridge, if there wasn't they'd take a trip into town and stock up, thinking carefully for each person's tastes and needs. Sometimes there was no power when the electricity cut out or the bill was missed by the skin of their teeth. But they could all sit huddled around the coffee table in the living room with the dogs in their laps and play cards or chat, sometimes Dean would even get his guitar out and they'd have a singsong in the candlelight of an evening and still everything was so easy. 

But not only did Castiel have a family, he had someone to call his own too. Dean Winchester had been the icing on the cake of new beginnings, the calm after the storm, the breath of fresh air after the rain. He made Cas feel safe and loved, like he was the most important thing in his life. They'd cuddle in bed when it was cold, Cas with his book and Dean with his manuscript. But Cas still couldn't look at the music, no one could look at the music. He didn't mind, Dean still had an air of mystery about him but for some reason Cas knew that what he was keeping hidden was kept hidden for a reason. 

Those three words were still lying there, deep inside him somewhere. Cas got a glimpse of them every now and then when he looked into the beautiful green of his eyes and saw the flickering light of his soul bearing itself for him to see. He was at his most vulnerable when Cas could see him, the  _real_  him and also the most comfortable. The touch of his hands on his face still sent shivers up Cas' spine and every expression and movement towards him was fond and protective.

Dean had said on many occasions that Castiel was his guardian angel, there for him in moments of weakness and to pick him up when he fell. A lifegiving force constantly perched on his shoulder, ready to save him. 

From across the field, Cas noticed a young couple in a tight embrace, the man with his big hand pressed against her dark hair, his other on the small of her back. Cas hoped that he looked as happy and in love when he hugged Dean as those two did. 

A voice through a loudspeaker announced the arrival of the competitors for a dressage competition and Cas wondered if that was Jo's set. But as he saw all of the younger competitors ride into the ring he assumed not, or at least he hoped not. 

A white van sold food through a hole that had been cut into the side and fashioned into a kind of ice cream van style vehicle. People queued up for hotdogs and juice and ice cream, kids shrieking at their parents and whining that they had to wait in line for so long. Cas hated queues, if there was such a thing as Hell on earth, queues would have been just that. 

He sauntered past some children riding ponies in a small practice ring set out especially for kids wanting to have a go and a rather irritated young woman stood holding the lead rein to a pony that refused to move. The child on its back squirmed in the saddle and tried everything to get it to move, getting shouted at for kicking the sides of the pony too hard. They were stubborn little things, the short ones. If it didn't want to go, it wouldn't go. 

Cas caught sight of a small podium not too far from the dressage ring and atop it sat a man at a keyboard, playing with the sound too low and not looking like he was doing much. Cas stood by the platform and looked up, attracting the daydreamer's attention with a wave of his hand. 

"What are you playing?" he asked and the man shrugged his shoulders. 

"Nothing, no one can hear me anyway," he sighed and Cas hopped up. 

"Don't think like that," he smiled. 

"But no one can." The man put his hands in his lap and watched as not one person turned to notice the music had stopped. 

Castiel remembered what a professor had told him when he was back in university, something that had changed his entire outlook on music performance. 

"You shouldn't play for them. Play for yourself," he said simply and placed the man's hands back on the keyboard and ramped up the volume to max. "Why should you care if other people don't like it? Play music you like, to make yourself happy when no one else will listen." 

Tears welled up in Castiel's eyes as he remembered his dorm room at university. The keyboard he kept in his room was for minimal practice when pianos weren't readily accessible and he had always appreciated sad pieces more than the happy ones. Slow moving tempos and deep, rich forte sounds to emphasize the despair had been all he had known throughout those four years. 

But his roommates had returned from a night out, drunk, and, as usual, Cas was in his room with his keyboard, playing one of his favourite pieces and the guys walked in the door and shouted at him to stop playing. His music was depressing and they pointed out the non-existent flaws in his technique. No one wanted to listen to that crap, they had said and the dents in his wooden door from the punches against it still gave Cas nightmares. He didn't stay in his room that night, he slept in a practice room that was finally vacated at about 3am and for two hours he played the same piece over and over, louder and louder, working himself into such a state that he couldn't go to his lessons the next day. He'd been emotionally drained. 

"Other people don't matter. If you want to play, you play. And you play what you want, whenever you want for as long as you want. Music is not something that can be defined by one person, or one piece, the piano can express so many emotions, it can bring you to the brink of tears and it can make you the happiest person in the world. Just because people won't listen doesn't mean you should give up. Giving up should never be an option." The man smiled up at him with understanding eyes and noticed the emotions on his new friend's face. He could see the hurt in Cas' face and could appreciate how he was talking from experience. "Sorry," sniffed Cas and he wiped his eyes with his sleeve. 

"Not at all," said the man and he flexed his fingers. 

"So what do you want to play?" Castiel learned that this man was an academy trained pianist too and that a lot of what he had played for his recitals had been music he'd hated. He wanted to write and play his own music, which he did, but people cared more for pieces that they could recognise and perhaps something a little more fast moving for an event like this. 

"I suppose I could play one of my pieces," the man thought, looking hopefully up at Cas. 

"Why not?" 

"They probably won't like it." 

"And? Music is about expression, how can you express emotions when you play if you don't feel them yourself?" This man had had his eyes opened to so many new things, Cas was right. He flexed his fingers again and breathed in deeply, blinked slowly and just began to play. The volume on his keyboard had been made louder and Cas had told him to carry on. No one could touch him up there on his pedestal. 

And slowly people began to take notice, whether they were standing talking or watching the dressage in the ring. They nudged their friends and family and soon enough there were small crowds gathering to listen to this man's playing, watching him completely succumb to the beauty of his own compositions and they could feel the energy too. It was only a keyboard, not even an electric piano, but the man made it work, using his face and his posture to say what the keyboard could not. 

For a moment Castiel envied the man. It had come so easy for him, he'd been told a few words by a friendly stranger and he was fixed. Castiel had endured seemingly endless amounts of time being tormented and poked and prodded by people trying to decipher his ways with harsh words and hard hands. He just wanted to play, that's all he had ever wanted. He'd learned the difficult way not to give a damn what anyone else thinks. 

 A soft round of applause waved through the small gathered crowd and the man bowed his head in appreciation when he had finished. He felt revitalized and a new found confidence painted a huge grin on his face. 

"What are you doing in a place like this?" he asked Castiel who smiled proudly at him. "It should be you here, not me." 

"I came with-" he started, and Sam and Dean astride Pip and Ollie caught his eye in the distance. Dean waved at him from all that distance away and nudged Sam to do the same, the two Winchester brothers waving excitedly. "I came with my family," Cas finished. Saying the word made him happy,  _family._

"They're lucky to have you," said the man and he put an appreciative hand on Cas' shoulder. 

"I'm lucky to have them." 

Cas shook the stranger's hand and he hopped off his podium, burying his hands deep into his pockets again. He realised he never even got a name. 

Sam and Dean were leant against the hood of a truck when he returned, beers in hand and helmets hanging from their wrists. They were scheduled to compete soon and there was no sign of Jessica or Jo. Jo was probably still warming up, but that didn't explain where Jessica could be. 

"I hope you weren't too bored without me," Dean winked and planted a soft kiss on Cas' lips when he neared. 

"I was fine," replied Cas and he kissed him back. He leaned against the hot velvet of Dean's jacket and felt arms envelope him and he closed his eyes, listening to the steady beat of Dean's heart. 

"Are you OK?" Dean asked, sensing some discomfort. 

"I'm perfect," Cas breathed. 

 

Castiel took his seat high up in the staggered seating arrangement where people were tightly packed together like chickens in a coop. They all squawked at each other noisily and pecked at food in their hands while dishevelled children tired from running around collapsed with fatigue in their parent's arms. He sat on his own and had swapped his normal glasses for prescription sunglasses so that he could see the action down below. 

The riders and their horses paraded briefly around the ring, each with a number pinned to the back of their jackets and Castiel had gathered that Dean was 89, Sam 90 and Jessica 37. But he'd recognise the horses even if he couldn't see the numbers. Ollie's coat shone coal black in the sunlight and he was the only black stallion to be seen, Pip standing out against all of the competitors with his dun bay coat. And Maia was just beautiful, the first time in a while that Cas could get a good look at the chestnut mare. They all looked confident on their horses and they'd trained hard enough so this should be a breeze. Cas hoped it was anyway. 

The first few competitors didn't pose much interest for Cas as he sat on his own and watched. They were good, very good and all the while he was taking notes on posture and speed and levelness. But when Sam and Pip entered the ring his interest was suddenly piqued. Even from a distance as large as that Sam still looked massive from where Cas was sitting and it made him giggle. Sam breezed from jump to jump, the muscles in Pip's shoulders and haunches emphasized beneath his shiny coat. 

A chorus of 'oo's' and 'aaah's waved through the crowds as he went and both horse and rider looked so comfortable with each other that it was hard not to be impressed. Sam tapped Pip's neck whenever he could as a sign of affection, being careful not to lose focus and by the time they were done the entire audience had had their interest fixed on the big number 90 on his back. The smartly dressed man with the sunglasses on the podium in the comfortable chair took notes on his clipboard, assumingly good ones. 

Dean was directly after Sam, Cas had thought it had been through alphabetical order until he realised that Jessica hadn't been on yet. But Dean entered the ring with determination on his face and Ollie was all too familiar with this type of competition. He nosied around the crowds, sniffing the air and as Dean tapped his heels into his sides, by default he knew what speed to go at for the first obstacle. 

As Cas watched he noticed that it almost seemed like Ollie was controlling Dean, that Ollie knew more about what to do than Dean did. And maybe that was the case. Ollie was a smart animal and many a time Dean had admitted that his horse could outsmart him. 

But again, the two of them were so in sync with each other and the deathly silence that fell on the audience could prove that. Cas watched with anticipation as he listened to the thud of the horse's feet on the ground, all noise around him having been cancelled out and he focused solely on Dean. 

Dean Winchester, the man upon who's shoulder he perched. 

Cas was in no place at all to judge how well or how badly the riders in this competition did, but judging by the reaction from the people around him he had come to the conclusion that Dean's performance had been nigh on perfect. Which was rich, considering this was something Dean wished he didn't have to do all the time. Cas still couldn't get his head around the fact that some day he might not be riding anymore. 

Dean spread his fingers out over Ollie's neck and rubbed it firmly as a thanks and a congratulations when the applause rang out and he professionally ignored the cheers and walked confidently from the ring, head held high. Castiel watched him leave and Sam hugged him when they met, his little brother was so proud of him. 

It only seemed normal that Jessica put on an equally as perfect show as if the sheer beauty of Maia alone didn't win her loads of points then her showjumping definitely did. They flew with breathless ease and upon reaching contact with the ground again it seemed like only a whisper came from the hooves of the horse. Jessica smiled the entire way through, comfortable in that saddle of hers, happy with whatever the outcome. She never worked Maia too hard or herself for that matter, showjumping came as naturally to her as sunshine did to summer. She was perfect. 

Pride burst from Castiel's heart when the competitors were summoned back to the ring and they paraded around in circles while the smartly dressed men conversed with his colleagues. Dean caught Castiel's eye amongst the crowds and the biggest, warmest smile spread across his lips. Cas raised his hand as did Dean and they held it there for a few moments, imagining that the warmth from the sun on their palms was each other's own body heat. Contact, just a little bit of contact. 

Of course, it came as no surprise when the winners were announced and Dean and Sam were both first and second place, Jessica a close third. Scarlet red rosettes were placed on the headcollars of the horses and they paraded around the ring with their arms raised in celebration as the rest of the competitors filtered out. Cas could honestly say he had never been so proud in his life. 

He leapt into Dean's arms when they were reunited by the trucks, Ollie's lead rein still in his hands but he had to catch this squealing man who so desperately kissed his face. Castiel then heartily embraced the big little Winchester and kissed Jessica on the cheek before hugging her tight. Cas couldn't imagine a moment more perfect as they all smiled at each other, their eyes sparkling with the victory tears which Sam insisted had been caused by dust flying up from Pip's feet. 

"I'm not crying!" he kept saying and playfully punched Cas' shoulder. 

"Did I miss it?!"  Jo exclaimed when she arrived back, completely out of breath and lacking a horse. Her eyes caught sight of the red rosettes Castiel had lovingly pinned to each rider's jacket and put her head in her hands. "I'm so sorry," she apologised. "I got caught up and then I had to leave Lily there and run and oh my goodness, I'm so exhausted." She bent over and rested her hands on her bent knees. "I'm really sorry," she panted. Jessica put a hand on her back and rubbed it comfortingly. 

"It's fine, don't worry about it. These competitions are never much to worry about anyway," she said and Cas looked at her like she'd offended him. "What? They're not." Dean took hold of Cas' fingers and squeezed them gently and all of the bad feelings Cas harboured for that short moment faded instantly. "We'll come and see your dressage tomorrow anyway. So it's cool." Sam put a big arm around his girlfriend and he backed up her argument. 

"Again, I'm sorry," Jo said. "But I have to get back, I'll catch up with you guys for dinner." 

Dinner was nothing more than hotdogs drenched in mustard and tomato sauce and a few bottles of beer to wash them down. They all sat cross legged on blankets in the back of Dean's truck under the darkening sky and revelled in the glory of first, second and third place. It was very uncommon for them ever to get anything less at an event like this so it was important not to let one little thing enhance their ego's any more than they already were. 

The horses grazed peacefully by the trailers and this was another one of those moments where Cas didn't need to worry about anything. When dinner was done Jess and Sam set up camp in their own truck and Jo tended to Lily who had been safely returned to her overprotective hands. 

Dean lay out blankets and sleeping bags in the back of the truck and put one of his jumpers over Cas' head like he normally did, whether they were inside or out. He slipped into another jumper and put a hat on his head, resting against the pillow at the end with Cas cuddled into his side. Cas rested his head on Dean's chest, their hands intertwined on his stomach and as the air cooled they were perfectly warm. They decided not to put the tarpaulin up just yet, they were happy to lie under the stars. 

"We should invest in some kind of trailer," Dean thought out loud. 

"I kinda like this though," admitted Cas. 

"You're easily pleased." 

"You can't say this isn't nice. Lying under the stars, surrounded by everything that makes you, you and being perfectly warm and snuggled even when you're outside." Dean thought for a moment or two and his face scrunched up like a bad smell had wafted by. 

"I'd still rather have a bed," he chuckled and kissed the top of Cas' head. "You can do more in a bed when you're spending the night with someone like you." 

"Way to cheapen the moment," sighed Cas but he held Dean's hand tighter all the same. 

"Everything I do is done with your best intentions in mind." 

"Still hasn't brought the tone up," Cas joked and grinned up at Dean who scowled down at him. They lay quietly for a while and Cas tapped out the steady beat of Dean's heart with his free fingers. "I helped a wayward musician today," he chuckled. 

"You did?" said Dean, almost surprised. "That guy on the podium? I couldn't hear a thing he was playing." 

"I know," Cas smiled. "Just a few words of wisdom from one pianist, to another." 

"My talented little musician," beamed Dean and he hugged Cas closer. "You know, it's moments like these that really remind me why I got into this business in the first place." Ollie shuffled sleepily on the grass beside them, Dean poking his head up over the side to check on him. 

"Oh?" Cas hummed. 

"Travelling with my family, seeing the sights, lying under the stars. Ollie has been my life for the last few years, without him I wouldn't know what to do with myself." 

"I thought you said you wanted to find something else to do." 

"I do. At least, I think I do until we go away with the horses and win rosettes and just relax with them. Sam and I travelled so much when we were kids, we lived in the car and in cheap motels since my Dad travelled about a lot for work. When he died, there was just this, emptiness inside me that no amount of help could fill. I used to take Sam for his riding lessons and sit and watch him learn, he used to be so tiny believe it or not. I was between jobs all the time, trying to keep money in to keep a roof over our heads which was never for long. But Sam insisted on his riding lessons, he had to have his riding lessons. 

"And one day the woman who taught him asked me if I wanted a go on one of the horses, hell, I'd been sat on the outskirts watching Sam for long enough. So she saddled up this short legged bay pony and set me off around the pasture with Sam trotting along behind me. For the first time in years I felt like I had something else to do, that my life didn't only just have to be about keeping Sam safe. For a while, riding around that pasture took my mind off of things and I could just be a kid again, an eighteen year old kid." 

"You never told me that before," Cas said. 

"Who wants to know?" Dean laughed half heartedly. 

"When did you get Ollie?" Cas shuffled his position slightly and got himself comfortable so that he could tilt his head up and listen. 

"There was a pregnant mare at the stables where Sam learned and by the time she was due I was an efficient enough rider. Ollie was a twin, he had a little brother who pestered him all the time but loved dearly. His Father had been knocked down and had his neck broken, so he had to be put to sleep and the mare pined for him, with two little foals to look after she wasn't too bad but you could tell she missed him.

"I used to sit with Ollie and his brother and watch them stagger about their stall, bumping into each other and Ollie always used to come over to me and nudge me, like he was asking me to join in on whatever game they were playing. And then, when the mare died from EPM the two babies had to be bottle fed and I would sit and feed them both. I lived in that stall for weeks, we used to make jokes that I'd become their surrogate mother but I kinda of felt like one, you know? I was there for their first steps, I fed them, I was there for their first bites of proper food.

"Ollie's brother was taken when he was old enough by some guy and his spoilt brat of a daughter and that left poor Ollie on his own. I didn't have a place to take him, Sam and I had just about managed to secure a little apartment in the city and no way could I afford to rent a stall in the stables for him. Then Sam started to date Jessica who had a large two acre garden and they put up fences to keep their horses and Sam said hey, why not put Ollie in there?

"They gave me Ollie for free, as a thanks for pretty much raising him after all the tragedy that had befallen him. But I felt like I could relate to him. I lost both of my parents, so did he. He had a little brother that he adored now matter how annoying he was. I have one of those too. So I had to take him but it didn't feel like an obligation, he was a part of my life now and I couldn't just abandon him.

"So we kept him in Jessica's back garden where he mingled with Maia who was younger than him as well as a few other horses. Then Jo turned up, we hadn't seen her for years nor Ellen, her Mother and we found out that she rode too. Lily was kept in a small stable they had built themselves and Jo was so passionate about it all we just knew we had to do something.

"For a year or so, we were all between jobs, working, competing for money trying to get sponsors. Bobby, who's pretty much like a Father to Sam and I told us about the place we're in now. He'd said it was expensive even if there were going to be four people in it but it was just perfect. Ollie would love it there, I thought to myself and Sam was the first person I told that I was seriously considering buying the place. It took us ages to save up enough to put the deposit down but Ellen and Bobby helped us out and eventually we moved in.

"We've been in the house for about five years and I can honestly say that that was the best decision I've ever made in my life. We set ourselves up, started our own small riding business and built stables to rent out. We all could live and breathe horses and I noticed the immediate change in Ollie's behaviour. He was so happy to be surrounded by the others and to be able to run around the green pastures that he could call his own. It was beautiful."

Cas felt tears well up in the corners of his eyes and he sniffed them back.

"Wow," he said and cuddled in closer. "Everything worked out for you."

"There was still one thing missing though," Dean continued and Cas looked inquisitively up at him.

"What?"

"You," Dean smiled and shuffled to kiss Cas' lips. " _Now_  everything is perfect."  He placed both of his warm hands on Cas' face and pressed his lips to the corner of his mouth.

" _You're_  perfect," he whispered. 

 

"There are my babies!" Jessica shouted gleefully and knelt down as the puppies all stampeded towards her, jumping up and licking her face as she walked in the door. Bobby strolled into the kitchen with his hands in his pockets and heartily embraced the Winchester boys, congratulating them on their assumed wins and when Castiel held out his hand for him to shake, Bobby pulled him in for a hug as well. 

They dumped bags and coats on the kitchen table and the six of them went back outside to let the horses loose in the brilliant sunshine of a Monday afternoon. Rosie pelted from her bed in the hallway and tripped over her feet as she scrambled to get at Dean who lead Ollie down the ramp from the trailer. She leapt up at him, her claws sinking into the layers on his shoulder and she clung to him like she was going to fall thousands of feet if she let go. Dean cried out as the claws met his skin before he was consumed with laughter and buried his face in the thick fur of Rosie's belly. 

"I have missed you baby girl," he beamed and nuzzled her nose with his.

"They've been unbearable," Bobby commented, gesturing to the frantically wagging tails of the retriever puppies. Alfie trotted on over to Cas and put his nose in his hand, licking his fingers. Cas ran his hand through the blonde fur and tickled the dog behind his ear and grinning as his tail wagged faster. The dogs had welcomed them home like they'd been gone for ages, not just one night. The dressage competition had been quite early so they'd managed to make it back in good time, Jo of course, bearing her scarlet first place rosette.

 


	4. No Pain, No Gain

"Straighten your back! Don't hunch over!" Dean shouted, his velvet lined helmet swinging from his arm. Castiel listened to every command, every word and immediately put the orders into practice. He lowered his shoulders, straightened his back, shifted his pelvis forward, looked straight ahead. Whatever Dean said, he did. 

His feet ached from breaking in his boots and his arms hurt from holding them in such a way, his calves throbbed and his fingers were on the brink of cramp but he wasn't going to slack, not now. Not long left to go and then Dean would apologise for being so tough, but would admire his progress. Then he'd gloat a little bit about how forceful he can be and get such amazing results. But Cas didn't mind. That was Dean. 

Caspian was beginning to feel the pressure and with each jump Castiel could feel him getting weaker. They'd worked for a solid few hours today and had achieved great results, but it sure was taking its toll. But when one of Caspian's legs buckled beneath him Cas leapt from the saddle and landed less than gracefully on the ground and ran to his aid. The horse hadn't collapsed, thankfully. Cas stroked Caspian's nose and soothed the horse with gentle whispers. 

"Good work today," Dean smiled and kissed Cas' forehead before walking out and back to the house. Cas watched after him. 

They'd been working extensively for the last nine months, so much so that Castiel had had to go out and buy new riding boots. He'd fallen on solid ground, grass, into mud, into water. He'd sprained his wrist three times and narrowly avoided fractures in his elbows on too many occasions, his ankles had swollen and he was positive he'd broken a toe or two. But strangely he'd loved every minute of it. 

When he wasn't riding he was with Sam and Dean up on Bobby's farm working for what little extra money they could get their hands on and Castiel was partial to some tack cleaning when he wasn't doing anything else. The puppies were getting bigger and bigger and insisted on putting their paws into the polish tins and running riot round the tack room. Homes had been found for two of them but no one seemed to be looking for particularly boisterous retriever puppies. 

Rosie was getting big enough now to start training to be a sheep herder, Bobby had her out a few times a week to give her some lessons and it was weird seeing the usually so energised collie subdued and quiet. She still curled up beside Alfie in the evenings like she always did and Alfie normally hopped up onto Castiel's bed when Cas was in it. Which seemed to be becoming a regular occurence. 

Dean was so focused on training Castiel up and getting funding for him that it was like he'd forgotten they were together. Cas knew that he was a very determined man and once his mind was set there was no swaying it. But in the nights when he'd wanted a cuddle or just to lie with him, he'd be too busy or too tired. Cas' heart ached for him. 

Sam was always around though whenever he just wanted some company. Sam understood what his big brother could be like and would just sit there and chat if he needed to. 

There was a light at the end of this tunnel though, Dean had managed to persuade a few of the organisations that fund them to give Cas a tryout and considering he lived with four competitors as prestigious as Sam, Dean, Jessica and Jo the managers were all too optimistic about how Castiel would turn out. In the last couple of weeks his training had really been ramped up a few notches and it was two days until they were going to come and see what he could do. 

"Did you put his coat on? It's cold," Dean said with a mouthful of bread. Jo slapped his arm for his lack of manners. 

"I didn't, I'll do it now," Cas smiled painfully, his face dropping the instant he was out of sight. Caspian paced in his stall and snorted through his nostrils, Ollie scratching at the adjoining wall with his hooves to comfort him. He let his deep blue coat be draped over his body and Cas secured it, testing it before he locked the stall door. The horse nudged his back before he could walk away and he had to turn around to stroke his nose again. Caspian stood still, enjoying the contact and almost seemed sad when his owner had to leave. 

Dean was quiet at dinner and he yawned frequently. In fact, everyone was quiet and yawning frequently. Everything had been so hectic lately. Castiel couldn't remember the last time he'd had a full, completely uninterrupted night's sleep and the added agony of feeling like he was losing Dean was burdening him with emotions. All he had to look forward to tonight was another night in his own bed with his book and Alfie. 

"Do you want hot chocolate? I'm making hot chocolate," Jo whispered sleepily when Cas entered the kitchen at 3:30am. He nodded and sat in a kitchen chair, resting his head on his hand. 

"Why are you up?" he asked, covering his mouth as he yawned. 

"I'm too tired to sleep, if that's even possible," she chuckled quietly. They listened to the kettle whistle on the stove with scrunched up faces, hoping it hadn't woken anyone else up. Sleep had been a rare delicacy in the house lately. "What about you?" 

"Probably the same," said Castiel. They sipped their hot chocolate in the dim light of the lamp by the window and Jo searched his face for more of an answer. 

"This will all blow over soon, you know that right?" she said with a cute, half-eyed smile. 

"What will blow over?" Castiel could feel his cheeks reddening. 

"Dean gets like this. He just wants to get this done. But he's doing it all for you, he's so desperate for you to come away with us." Cas smiled like a schoolboy at the thought. 

"I've told him it doesn't matter, whether I go or not." 

"Have you met Dean Winchester?" Jo laughed and Cas nodded with a lopsided grin. 

"I just feel like I'm losing him," he frowned. Jo put a hand on his, forcing his gaze to hers. 

"No," she said. "He's working, let him work. After your trial thing, he'll be back to normal. I promise." There was something about the way Jo spoke that filled Castiel with hope. He believed her with every inch of his being. 

They talked about Caspian and Lily for a couple of hours, they made more hot chocolate and just sat at the kitchen table watching the sun peek over the hills in the distance. Jo told him more stories of their previous ventures abroad and the more she spoke the more excited Cas got and the more desperate he became for this funding to follow through. But most of all he didn't want to let Dean down. Jo had said that he was doing all of this for him, the last thing Cas could do was go and screw it all up. 

At 5:30am, the sky was light enough outside to be able to see the sheep on the hills and Bobby's farm slowly waking up. Castiel and Jo still sat at the table, having finished their third hot chocolate and they turned their heads to see Dean, fully dressed with his boots and his old leather jacket on ready to go out to the horses. 

"Why are you awake?" he almost shouted down at Cas who jerked his body back in surprise. 

"I-I couldn't sle-" 

"Don't you go getting yourself over-tired now, we have work to do!" He grabbed a few slices of bread from the bread bin and angrily took bites from them as he stormed out of the house with a red face. Even Jo was speechless. 

"What is he doing up at this time?" she wondered out loud and knotted her eyebrows. She slipped into her boots and pulled on her coat and stealthily followed him outside. Dean noticed her despite her efforts and Jo tried to talk to him but all Castiel could hear was raised muffled voices. He was too far away. 

 

_"What is the matter?" Jo tried to say calmly but the anger boiled in her blood and rose up her throat like bile._

_"Nothing is the matter," Dean sneered and unhooked the latch on Ollie's stall._

_"Then why are you being a dick?" Jo curled her fists and shoved them into her pockets, glaring at Dean._

_"What?"_

_"You're being a dick, Dean. I understand what you're doing, but you're being a jerk."  Dean furrowed his brow and looked away from the furious blonde who almost looked like she was going to start growling and baring her teeth._

_"Things need to be done," he said and bent around her to get to the tack room._

_"Castiel thinks he's losing you," Jo said suddenly and instantly regretted the words as she said them. Dean stopped in his tracks and his face fell, his fists loosening. His heart sank and he turned to Jo who looked with compassion on this overworked, broken mess of a man. "You constantly talk down at him, hell, I haven't seen you two spend some quality time together for a while now. He doesn't want to say anything because he's terrified that he'll make things worse."_

_"He shouldn't be awake at this time," whispered Dean so quietly that Jo almost hadn't heard._

_"He can't sleep, he's worried about you. I know because I've been awake talking to him since 3:30am. He's so desperate for someone to talk to that he said he wasn't going to try and get back to sleep because he wanted to talk to me. He sacrificed sleep, oh beautiful, rare sleep, to speak to me, Dean. He misses you." Guilt ran through Dean's veins like blood did, getting to every inch of his body and consuming him in one fell swoop._

_"I-I didn't realise," he choked._

_"Open your eyes, we've all noticed." Jo uncurled her fists in her pockets and walked slowly towards to Dean who stood with his back to her. "He works so hard for you. Give him a little more praise." She gently pressed her lips to the damp on Dean's cheek and hugged him tightly. "He loves you," she whispered in his ear._

_  
_Castiel couldn't hear a word they were saying. He watched on with clenched teeth and the tips of his fingers went white from gripping the window cill so hard. But she was hugging Dean now, so it couldn't have gone too badly. She returned with a smile on her face and nodded happily at him when she passed, announcing that she was going to try and get some more sleep.

Dean still stayed outside, saddling up Ollie and leaping up into his seat. His eyes flicked to Castiel's staring at him with anticipation from the window and he turned away up the trail. 

 

Dean listened to the steady thud of Ollie's hooves as they hit the ground and stared off into the distance at the brightening sky, the sun peeking up over the black silhouettes of the hills. He'd been so stressed lately, so determined to get things done. If Castiel wasn't good enough then he couldn't come away with them and the thought of spending an entire week away from him made his stomach churn. 

It had been a big decision last time to miss the competitions abroad as the people who funded them needed to be notified and they had to make sure that everything was fine to be held off for another year. They had to make sure they'd still get some money even if they didn't go. But their sponsors were lovely people and took great pride in the work of the Winchesters and their family and were more than happy to oblige. However missing it two years in a row was taking the piss, really. 

Dean put a hand on the coal black hair of his horse, feeling the warmth seep through his fingers. Ollie tilted his head as if to try to look at him as a sign of affection and Dean stroked his neck. 

"We're all good aren't we, Ollie," he smiled and the horse made a little noise as if to agree. 

As he watched the sun rise over the hills his mind wandered, each time his thoughts reverting back to Castiel, those beautiful blue eyes of his and that smile that oozed perfection and happiness. He was one of those people that you meet once, maybe twice in a lifetime, someone who is completely OK with the person they've become. He'd had his fair share of torments and beatings but there was a glint in his eyes that told Dean, 'you know what? I don't even care' and each time it flickered Dean felt so much better about himself, Castiel healed him. 

That night under the stars he'd poured his heart out to him, told him things he kept hidden, things he pushed down and buried deep inside him. Things didn't seem so bad when he was there to talk to. He'd just cuddle up to him with his head resting on his chest and he'd just listen. And a lot of the time that's all Dean wanted. 

To learn that Castiel thought he was losing him made him sick to the stomach, Dean had been trying to do the exact opposite. He imagined even a day without Cas would be heart-wrenching, let alone an entire week. He couldn't let him mess up that trial. It wasn't even like he didn't think Cas was good enough, he was an excellent rider and he worked so hard. It was Dean's selfishness that pushed Castiel to this - Dean didn't want to exist if he wasn't by his side. 

He half expected Cas to ride up behind him on Caspian and smile with a wave and say hello in that adorable little way he did. But then he thought of course he wouldn't. 

Ollie shuffled nervously beneath him and was trying to veer off the path or at least go in a different direction. Dean's eyes scanned the horizons for any signs of a threat but all he saw was the quiet morning hills and the odd bird swooping to the ground. The horse stamped its front feet and kicked its back legs out, almost hopping to turn around and cantered back down the trail, completely of his own will. Dean tried to slow him, he pulled on the reins and spoke to him. 

But not firmly. He didn't raise his voice to Ollie.

When they neared the house again Castiel was still sat by the window, drumming his fingers on the cill and staring out at the stables. Ollie stood a few feet from the window and with utter disbelief on his face Dean looked at Cas who looked back at him with big eyes. Hopeful eyes. 

Ollie shuffled again and pushed Dean off balance in the saddle. He landed on his feet, his boots crunching down on the gravel. Ollie had brought him back here, back to Cas who waited patiently for him.

Castiel stayed in his place for a while, unsure of whether he was permitted to approach Dean, after all it was just about 6:30am. The pitter patter of rain began to fall outside and Dean continued to stare at his horse, tentatively raising his hand to the black hair. Ollie snorted at him and shook his head, shooing him away. 

Dean turned to Cas who felt like he should look away. But he couldn't. Their eyes were fixed on each other and as the rain made him blurry through the window Cas chuckled to himself. Typical, he thought. 

Dean's green eyes narrowed slightly and his eyebrows knotted together, looking like he was fighting back the urge to cry. 

But before Cas could say or do anything more, Dean turned away and lead Ollie back to his stall. He didn't come back out again.  

 

Castiel pulled on his big coat and over his pants he put on his boots, making sure to tuck his pants into his socks. Zipping his coat all the way up to his chin he stepped out into the rain and the icy air hit his face full force, his nose instantly running as the cold met it. He made his way over to Ollie's stall, stopping to pat Caspian who poked his head out from the warmth to greet him and fumbled for the latch on Ollie's door. 

The big black horse was lying down on the straw that lined the stall and Dean rested against the back wall with his fingers intertwined in the black mane and he had his eyes closed. But he sensed Castiel's presence and as his eyes opened they flicked to Cas' who looked sadly down at him through blurred lenses.  

"It's warm in here," Cas chuckled and a sudden awkwardness overcame him as Dean simply nodded as a response. He kneeled down beside Ollie and ran his fingers over his face, around his eyes and down his nose. The horse snorted when Cas tickled the hairs on his lip but didn't attempt to get up, he formed a protective barrier between the two men. Dean couldn't take his eyes off of Cas. It was like they were stuck to him, no matter how hard he tried to look away. 

"You should be sleeping," he whispered and a soft smile broke the seriousness in his face. 

"OK," said Cas and he stepped over the barrier, sitting down beside Dean and fitting into his body. He rested his head on his shoulder and bunched his hands together under his chin, using his pinky fingers to grip the scarf that hung from Dean's neck. As he breathed in the horsey Dean smell he smiled, closed his eyes and settled down to sleep, Dean gently worming his arm behind him and holding him close. 

With one hand in Ollie's mane and the other around Castiel, Dean had everything he needed. 

 

"Dean?" Sam called from the house and squinted as he tried to see through the grey wall of rain that fell heavily in front of him. Dean had been gone for nine hours and that was after he realised he was missing. Jess tried to stop him as he hurriedly put on his boots and his jacket but Sam had to go and look for his brother, Dean never went anywhere without telling someone where he was going. For this amount of time, anyway. 

The instant he stepped from the house his hair was soaked flat against his head and he couldn't see clearly further than two metres in all directions and Alfie spun around with him at his feet which made it no easier to navigate his way through the storm. He ran over to the stalls and all horses appeared to be there, including Caspian. And it dawned on Sam that he hadn't seen Cas either - he held on to the hope that if he was anywhere, he'd be with Dean. And for Castiel, that was the best place for him to be. 

Sam ran to the tack room, still searching for his brother and was confused when he found all of Ollie's tack still sat on the railings. If Dean had taken Ollie, he was riding completely bareback, without even a headcollar. This was wrong, so very wrong. 

He frantically searched the school, the stalls again, the tack room again, even the house again. He ran several times around the entirity of the grounds, up and down the pastures and half way up to Bobby's farm, all the while shouting their names and only getting the heavy drum of the rain as a response. He was completely soaked through and Alfie barked as he shouted, his light hair completely darkened by the wet. 

And then it suddenly occurred to him where Dean would be, where he went when he needed to get away. 

"I'm taking the Impala up the trail, don't wait up for dinner we'll reheat it when we get back. I'll see you in a bit, love you," Sam said quickly down the phone to Jessica. He fumbled for the keys to the car in the lock and slid smoothly into the driver's seat, Alfie leaping in just before him. 

With every bump in the road and slide of the back tyres Sam's heart skipped a beat and he held his breath with fear. He couldn't see very far either, the windscreen wipers didn't move fast enough to provide a clear view of the trail so Sam had to put his faith in the familiarity of the way and his judgements of what he could see. The trail was meant for horses, not for big fancy cars. And the added bonus of the rain made it all muddy and slippery - Dean was going to kill him for messing up his car. 

The Impala slid to a halt on the dirt path outside an old rundown shack that looked like it was about to cave in at any moment. Sam leapt from the car, Alfie following, and he called around for his brother again before he ran to the door and knocked furiously on it. It was locked from the inside and Alfie butted the door with his head to try and open it, Sam trying to squeeze his fingers in to flick open the old fashioned lock. 

"Dean!" he called, fear rising up his throat and the retriever barked at his feet. Sam put his ear to the rotting wood and above the rain he heard muffled voices. Voices? Were there two? He listened closer and decided he could only hear one. One voice. He pounded his fists on the door again, still shouting until footsteps thudded towards him. The lock clicked open and Dean poked his head around the door, looking up at his brother, his eyes red and puffy. 

"Sorry," he whispered and opened it wider to let the retriever and Sam walk in. Sam stood and stared at his brother with his jaw set and rage blazing in his big eyes but instead of chewing him out he took Dean in for a tight embrace, a brotherly hug that nothing could compare to. Sam breathed out with immense relief and held his big brother close, his broad shoulders and big arms providing a protective cocoon around him. 

"It's OK," he soothed as sudden cries overcame Dean and he stroked his brother's hair. Alfie pawed at Dean's ankles, whimpering softly as if to comfort him and Ollie shuffled uncomfortably in the corner of the shack as he listened to his master's distress. 

"I know," Dean chuckled and scolded himself for being so emotional. He composed himself and took a step back, placing his hand on Ollie's nose. 

"Wait, where is Cas?" Sam asked and looked around at the hay piled up in the corners and the old rafters that housed too many spiders and a flickering light. The fact that there was electricity in here made Sam nervous, especially with the force of the rain outside. 

"I left him in Ollie's stall," Dean said with wide eyes. "Why?" 

"He's been gone as long as you have." Dean had left Castiel where he'd fallen asleep. He himself had propped him up in the corner of the stall and put his own jacket over him for extra warmth against the cold. The colour flushed from his face, fear rising up his throat. "But where have you been?" The compassion Sam had felt earlier had resorted back to rage and his hands curled back into fists. "You've been gone for ages, Dean, with not so much as a text message!" 

"Sam I said I was sorry-" 

"That's not gonna cut it, Dean! You never go anywhere without telling  _someone_ , or at least dropping one of us a message. Jess and Jo have been worried sick, you didn't even take Ollie's tack with you what were we supposed to have thought?" Dean hung his head and sighed back the tears that threatened to stream from his eyes again. He avoided Sam's eyes. 

"I just needed some time," he said. 

"What for?" 

"Nothing, I'm fine now." 

"Bull," Sam chuckled half-heartedly. "You scared me." He pulled Dean in again for another hug, the relief just flooding from his tired bones. "Don't you ever do that to me again." 

"Sorry." 

"I know." Sam put a hand on Ollie's nose and mentally thanked him for keeping his brother safe and the horse nodded in response as if he had understood. "Now, I don't fancy letting you walk back in that rain and we can't put Ollie in the Impala, so I suggest we camp out here until the rain dies off a little and then we head back. I'll call Jess and we just sit for a while. Sound good?" 

"Sounds good," Dean smiled. 

The brothers talked and joked for a couple of hours while they waited for the rain to ease but Sam avoided the topic of why he had come here. Alfie lay down between them, his head on Sam's lap and his paw in Dean's and twitched as he dreamt doggie dreams. When either of the brothers laughed or said something funny it was almost like Ollie was joining in on the conversations, his attention focused on the Winchester boys and he nodded or padded his hooves on the concrete as if to join in on the humor. He was a sociable animal and he read into Dean's emotions. Dean was happy, so Ollie was too. 

Sam waited patiently, leant against the hood of the Impala for Dean to arrive back on his horse. The rain had subsided for a short while, enough time for them to arrive home relatively dry. 

Dean led Ollie back to his stall and put the horse's coat on so that he didn't catch a chill from the wet in his hair and bid him farewell for the day. He also silently thanked him for keeping him company, to which Ollie responded with a gentle snort. 

From force of habit, Dean went to check on Caspian too. The grey was soaking wet when Dean found him but he chewed happily on the hay in the net in the corner of the stall but Cas knew how much Dean hated it when he left him damp in there. And especially since Caspian needed to be fit and healthy in a couple of days this was most certainly no way to treat him. Anger rose up his throat and as he turned to storm back into the house to make Castiel fix it he stopped himself. Jo's words echoed around his head. 

So he composed himself with deep breaths and put his hands into his pockets, uncurling his fists. He put an easy smile onto his face and walked steadily to the house where Sam called him to dinner. 

Castiel was stood dripping wet in the kitchen with Jo furiously trying to towel dry his hair, almost bent over with laughter and the towel shook as Cas laughed too. He was fully clad in his riding gear with both the jods and the jacket and raindrops still slid down the waterproof leather of his boots. The sound of his laughter was like music to Dean's ears and as the rest of his family joined in on the hysterics he instantly felt his body temperature rise. 

Cas emerged from the towel with a huge grin plastered over his face and as his eyes caught Dean he composed his face and looked down, avoiding eye contact. 

So Dean approached him quickly and put his fingers firmly on Cas' chin, angling his head upwards and pressed his lips roughly to his. 

Cas' breath hitched, the feel of his lips seemed such an unfamiliar feeling but one that he could relax into, one that he had missed. One that pained him to have forgotten. Jo, Jess and Sam all looked away, Jo putting the towel into the laundry basket and the other two fussing over food while Dean just held his face to Castiel's. Nothing intricate, nothing special. Apart from putting both hands on either side of Cas' face he didn't even move, his eyes closed and his body still. 

When Dean pulled away Cas leaned in to keep the contact going until he was aware that they were standing in the middle of the kitchen and that there were other people around. 

"Well now that you two have made up, can we eat now?" said Sam and he looked innocently from his brother to Cas, genuinely concerned as to when he was going to get to eat. 

 

The day of the trial arrived and Jessica had washed all of Castiel's gear especially for the occasion and had forced him into the shower both the night before and the morning of the day. Dean hurried about the house with no particular purpose except that he was trying to focus his nerves on something else, Jo swept the grounds to make things look presentable, even Sam had opted away from the plaid shirts and put a clean black one on. 

Everyone seemed to be nervous and busy except for Castiel. And it was Cas who was being judged. 

The sponsors came surprisingly in a truck and each of them wore jeans and a t-shirt underneath their heavy raincoats. The rain had decided to make itself scarce for the time being but the low overhanging grey clouds threatened to burst at any moment and no one was taking any chances. 

The dogs were locked in the house, much to their dismay, not even Alfie could potter around the grounds like he normally did making sure everyone was OK. Sam directed the sponsors to the school where everything had been set up and introduced them to Cas, who was calm and together like he usually was. Again, everything was so informal and Cas laughed at it, it was like house viewing all over again. 

Dean insisted on dealing with Caspian just to be sure that everything was in order, his OCD kicking in and he lead the grey to the school and into Cas' care. Cas hopped up into the saddle and continued to speak with the sponsors who checked Caspian over with indulgent eyes, admiring his long slender legs and shiny coat and complimenting Cas on such a beautiful animal. Pride washed over him and he patted his horse, silently filled with confidence. 

He didn't have to do much for very long. Just a few rounds of the school so that they could see what he could do basically. And they were impressed. Cas remembered every little thing had been drilled into his head over the last nine months and the aches and pains in his body reminded him of all of these - if he wasn't doing it properly, his muscles weren't straining. And if his muscles weren't straining, he was using the wrong ones which in turn meant he was doing the entire exercise wrong. 

 Dean watched on with his teeth biting on his thumb, glancing from the sponsors who nodded and talked amongst themselves to Cas who was doing everything perfectly. Sam put a hand on his shoulder, his eyes telling him to calm down but Dean didn't feel safe to let his guard down until he knew that everything had gone swimmingly and that they had that extra grant. 

The sponsors spoke with Cas for a while when he dismounted. As his boots hit the floor Cas felt his entire body want to buckle beneath him but he stayed upright and composed for long enough for them to ask him a few questions about the horse, about his tack and his experience. Of course he couldn't lie and say he'd had experience but the sponsors seemed to admire his honesty, if anything they seemed a little surprised that he hadn't been doing this for a while. 

And the bond between man and horse was evident too. That was important - if a man doesn't love his horse in a sport like this then well, what was the point? 

Everything was over after about half an hour which meant either they were certain that he was good enough, or that he wasn't. In a short time like that there was no inbetween, usually they had to deliberate a little more but they seemed happy with what they had seen. 

Sam put a big hand in congratulations on Cas' back and walked him back to the house, all the while commending him on his efforts and his lack of fault, Dean having returned to the house before them. As the sponsors left the dogs were let out and the retriever puppies bounded towards them in fits of barks and wagging tails, Tilly padding casually behind them and Alfie rolled at Cas' feet as if he knew how well he'd done. 

Dean had told him, Cas had no doubt. 

Rosie bounced amongst the puppies when she had the energy, she still considered herself a puppy with her stupid yelp of a bark and big baby eyes. Hold onto that youth, Cas kept telling her. It doesn't last long, he'd say. 

"I'm going to sit here until my legs stop burning," Cas said with a tone that had undertones of 'don't tell me to move or I'll kill you'. He slumped down into the brown leather armchair in the living room with his arms resting on the armrests and Jessica handed him a beer. 

"You did very well I hear," she smiled and sat opposite him on the sofa. 

"He was brilliant," Sam grinned and patted Cas' head. "I think it's safe to say he's coming with us!" The cold liquid soothed Cas' throat and he sighed, that was better. 

"Everything hurts," he whined. Dean approached him with the biggest smile on his face Cas had ever seen. Pride burst from him like sunlight through a peephole and he bent over to plant a soft kiss on his lips. 

"Well done," he said and stroked his face. He leant back down again to whisper something in his ear that no one else could hear and Castiel's face flushed scarlet. A stupid smile spread across his face and he couldn't make eye contact with anyone, but he was happy. "I put some more hay in Caspian's net, just in case he tries to cheat you into giving him more." 

 

Dean stripped Cas naked and lay him down gently onto his bed, a bed that had become so unfamiliar to Cas and a bed that felt so good to lie on again. He watched Dean remove all of his clothes before he flattened his body against his, both arms on either side of Cas' face and their lips pressed passionately together, kissing frantically like they were afraid of losing each other. Again. To allow breathing time, Dean put his face into Cas' neck and ran kisses up and down from his jawline to his collarbone, grinning as each touch made Cas' body heat up a notch further. 

Cas dragged his nails up and down Dean's back and purred softly into his chest, relishing the feel of his body on his own and holding on to each and every touch like it was pure gold. He felt the stress and the anger flood out of Dean and he filled him with his own peace and tranquility so that he'd return to the man he'd fallen in love with, who smiled a lot in spite of his thoughts and feelings. 

That deep sexy rumble from Dean's chest tickled Cas' and he thrusted his pelvis beneath him, bringing his face back to his. 

"I've missed you," he breathed and Dean bit his bottom lip. Cas brought his knees up, letting Dean slot in between his legs and he snaked his way down Cas' torso trailing kisses down to his groin where he pressed his thumbs into his inner thighs and felt him flush red. He licked a burning stripe up his dick, all the while massaging his inner thighs with his thumbs and closed his eyes while his tongue played havoc with his head, Cas moaning with satisfaction above him. He knotted his fingers into Dean's hair and breathed deeply as he played, watching his tongue lick all the way up and down with a pleased grin on his face. 

Dean moved his hand slowly up and down Cas' shaft and kept his mouth on his head, sucking, teasing, licking, inticing the precome that he massaged over him for lubrication and looked up with his indulgent green eyes to the blue of his lover, feeling his insides melt. There was nowhere else on earth Cas wanted to be as Dean crawled back up his body and reunited their lips with delicate contact. He was finally back in the arms of Dean Winchester, vulnerable yet protected, happy and loved. Dean licked along his bottom lip and carded his fingers through his hair while he listened to the steady breaths and the accelerated beat of his heart which confirmed that he was alive. 

He felt alive, he felt strong and for the first time in too long he too felt loved. Not having Cas around as much as perhaps he would have liked made him appreciate him when he was there. He wouldn't be making that mistake twice. 

Cas let him slot between his legs again and snaked his hand down to finger the head of Dean's dick to which Dean sucked the air through his teeth and smiled against him, easing into his grip and thrusting his pelvis up and down through the circle made in his hand. He was intent on having as much bodily contact as possible, the heat was becoming overwhelming and the fire was beginning to consume them both but neither made any attempt to move. Dean hissed and nipped at Cas' ear, sucked the skin at his collarbone leaving red marks and pressed his forehead to his, closing his eyes and kissing Cas' nose. 

"Dean," Cas whispered and their eyes met and Dean knew what he was asking. 

"Are you sure?" he purred and kissed the side of his mouth, Cas nodding. With wide eyes Dean looked at him with an eyebrow raised. He wanted this, sure he did. But he wasn't positive that Cas did and that scared him. 

"Dean," Cas whispered again, this time softer and with a small half-smile. "Do you trust me?" Dean did, he trusted Cas with his life, even his little brother's life. He trusted Cas with his car, his baby, his horse, his dogs, his family. 

"Yes," he said. 

"Do you love me?" Dean stopped but stroked Cas' cheek with his thumb. Cas could see that flicker in his eye of his soul showing itself to him, the very depths of his being crying out to him in an answer only Dean could convey. 

"Yes," he said and pressed his nose against his. "I love you." A new kind of warmth flooded through Castiel and it filled him from top to toe as he kissed Dean's forehead. 

"I love you, too," he smiled and he knew that he meant it and that Dean did too. Those three words meant more to the two of them than it did to a lot of others, to them it wasn't a phrase that you could throw around. 

Love is eternal, it's something that everybody is capable of and something that is easy to do. It is not easily forgotten and very rarely forgiven and when it is given to the wrong person too quickly the phrase quickly loses all significance. Castiel and Dean had been together for more than a year and that was the first time either of them had said it. Saying it holds more meaning than knowing it does. Once you say it, it's out there, you've given it to someone. You can't just take it back. 

"I love you," Dean said again, louder this time and tears welled up in the corners of his eyes. "I love you." 

With slow and easy movements he made love to Castiel, pushing himself in and out of him with breathless ease and grinning constantly into Cas' hot chest. Cas carded his fingers through Dean's hair and kissed his nose when their faces met, his hands gripping his shoulders tightly as he was pushed closer and closer to the brink of orgasm. Dean bit at his collarbone and gripped the sheets above Cas' head with such force that it made his knuckles go white, his groans becoming more frequent and getting louder. Cas clamped his hand down over Dean's mouth, laughing to himself, wondering if anyone could hear them. 

As the two climaxed together they stared into each other's eyes and they knew that they'd found the one they were going to spend the rest of their lives with. It was a mutual decision made at exactly the same time, under the same circumstances, with the same peace of mind. 

"I love you," Cas whispered between kisses and Dean repeated his words, bringing the duvet up to their shoulders and cuddling Cas in tight to the warmth of his embrace. 

"Lie here with me forever," Dean begged, stroking Cas' tired face with his thumb. 

"I might just do that," chuckled Cas. 

"Promise?" 

"Promise." 

"I'm sorry, by the way," Dean frowned. "I didn't realise." 

"It's OK, Dean. I understand," Cas yawned. "I'd have done the same thing." 

"Really?" 

"No, not really." Dean laughed and he squeezed Cas' shoulders, pain coming through in his tone. "But this is perfect." Cas bunched his hands up under his chin and intertwined his legs with Dean's, exhaling loudly and closing his eyes. 

" _You're_ perfect," Dean whispered and kissed his forehead. 

 

"Step aside, brother!" Dean called as he strode into the kitchen in his boxers and a white t-shirt. Sam had been scrambling eggs on the hob and grilling bacon on the grill before Dean brushed him away with a flick of his hand but he laughed at how happy his brother was, it had been ages since he'd been this happy. With a little hop, Dean assumed position as breakfast chef and when Castiel entered the kitchen with the red marks visible above the collar of Dean's jumper on his collarbone, a lightbulb flicked on in Sam's head. 

"Be my guest," he grinned and slapped his brother on the back. Jess yawned as she entered the room, fitting into Sam's side as he cuddled her in and planted a kiss on her head. 

"Someone's loud," Jo whined and slumped down into a kitchen chair opposite Cas who grinned back at her. Jo raised an eyebrow at him and he nodded - they knew what each other meant. 

"Man the phones today folks," Dean ordered. "I don't know when they're going to get in contact with us." He seemed more excited about this than anyone else did, then again, he seemed to have put more work in than anyone else did. 

They all seemed well rested for the first time in a long time and breakfast was light and full of optimistic conversation. Dean was so chatty, it was hard to get him to shut up long enough for him to eat his food. Rosie pawed at his feet that shifted restlessly beneath the table and the puppies jumped up at the child-gate they'd had to install in the door to the kitchen - even they had noticed the shift in the mood. 

Not even the rain outside could dampen Dean's spirits, he sat with Ollie in his stall and listened to it batter against the roof and he took an extensive amount of time brushing down his own and Cas' horses' coats. Bobby didn't need them today which was just as well, they couldn't get much done in the rain anyway. 

"He looks like he's going to boot you in the crotch," Cas sniggered as he came up behind Dean in Caspian's stall. The grey horse had a look of irritance on his face and he shifted every few seconds like he was trying to shake Dean off. 

"He wouldn't do that to me," laughed Dean and Cas raised an eyebrow. Cas went to his head and put both hands on the grey hair of his nose, stroking it gently. 

"I reckon he just wants a couple of days to himself. It's been a long time since you've had that, huh?" He pressed his forehead to Caspian's and sighed loudly. 

"You OK?" Dean asked. 

"Perfect," Cas smiled and looked him straight in the eye. "I can't imagine not living this life now." Dean looked at him with a lopsided grin. 

"I can't tell if you're pleased or not about that," he said. 

"It's not a matter of whether I'm happy or not, I just can't imagine doing anything else." Dean cocked his head, licking his bottom lip. 

"That ache in your backside from the saddle begs to differ," he laughed. Cas placed both hands on his backside and rubbed gently before he nodded. 

"I can imagine they'd rather I chose a less painful hobby." Dean's laugh faded into a slight smile and he looked back to the brush in his hand. 

"I found that letter in your room, by the way." The colour from Cas' face drained and his body went cold. 

"Oh," he said. Neither of them knew what to say and Dean began to regret mentioning what he had found. 

Castiel had received a letter from the conductor of an orchestra that wanted him to come and play with them as they toured the world. All Cas needed to do was sign the few pages that followed and send them back, if he needed any more information there was a number to call but aside from that, it was as easy as mailing a letter. 

"Dean," Cas started before Dean interrupted. 

"It's OK," he smiled. "It's an amazing opportunity." At first, Castiel had disregarded the letter. He didn't want to play because he had to, for other people to judge him. He wanted to play for himself and being part of this orchestra had been an instant 'no' for him. But as he got reading he started to like the idea of travelling and playing as part of a huge group, he'd always been a fan of piano concertos and he'd have loved to play in one. The tour would take him away for eight months; and that was a long time. 

"I don't have to go," he breathed and edged closer to Dean who opened his arms to accomodate him. Cas leaned against his chest with his face in his neck and breathed in his smell. "I wasn't planning on it initially." 

"Initially?" 

"I don't know," sighed Cas. 

"CASTIEL!" Sam hollered from the house and his fast heavy foosteps ran towards the stalls. He grinned from ear to ear as he arrived, his mouth open in a huge smile and the phone in his hand. "They're going to give you the funding!" he cheered and thrust his arms in the air. 

If this had been any other time, Dean would have been jumping up and down beside his brother, singing about the joyous news. But all he could manage was a small smile and Sam knotted his eyebrows together at how unenthusiastic the reaction had been. "Did you hear me?" he asked. Cas stood back from Dean a little and put his hand on his horse, sinking his fingers into his grey hair. 

"That's really good," he laughed half-heartedly. "I'm so glad." 

"What is it?" Sam asked. 

"He's been asked to go on a tour for some music thing," Dean said with his eyes to the ground. 

"You're leaving?" Sam's heart sank. 

"I don't know," Cas laughed. "I don't know what I'm going to do." The Winchester brothers looked at him with furrowed brows and Cas swore he saw tears in Dean's eyes. 

"Well I just thought I'd let you know," Sam said and patted the stall door before he left with a bleak smile. 

"You do what you want to do," Dean whispered and left the stall, brush in hand and a frown on his lips. 

Castiel sat on his bed with the letter in his hands, the crisp white paper with the printed words that offered him the trip of a lifetime. He wouldn't be short of money and he'd get to see the world, doing what he did best. This didn't seem like a job to him, he essentially was being paid to do what he was really good at and loved doing. His expenses would be paid and he'd have to worry about nothing, everything would be done for him. 

There would be so many opportunities to meet new people, people in positions of power that could be beneficial to him and his musical ability, which in turn could then be beneficial for his friends. Money wouldn't be a problem, the rent would always be paid, food would always be in the fridge. They'd even be able to repair that hole in the roof of the school that let in all the water when it pelted down with rain. 

But what if he did go and then something else would come up and he'd have to leave again? That was the thing with these types of tours, you meet so many people that there is bound to be at least one who thinks you'd be good for something else. Offers would fly at Castiel from many different angles and he'd have to make the decision whether to go or stay, have money or struggle. 

He understood what it meant to the Winchesters and Jessica and Jo that their lives be revolving around their horses, that was their career, they had been doing that for years. Cas had being doing it for a year and a half, there was still time for him to drop out and not have much said about it. He loved Caspian and he loved riding, sure, but a career in showjumping was never going to be good for him. He started too late, he'd never get good enough now. He might have got the funding but it was the reputation of the Winchesters that got him that, Cas thought. 

So far, the pros heavily outweighted the cons. 

Then there was the house, the dogs and his horse. Sam and Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore and Jo Harvelle, his family. Bobby Singer, the grumpy old farmer who made sure he worked for his rent every month and paid him every time. The rolling hills as black silhouettes against an orange sunset and the freedom of living in the countryside, with no one to tell him otherwise. 

He'd miss Alfie at the end of his bed, crying at 3am to be let out of his room. Rosie wouldn't come and lick the fingers that hung over the side of the bed in the morning and he wouldn't trip over the bouncy puppies as they all scrambled to their breakfast bowls. He'd certainly miss Tilly, who grew more and more subdued the more her offspring teased her. 

Ollie, Pip, Caspian, Maia and Lily wouldn't greet him when he went out to feed them. And it wasn't just because he had food in his hands, it was like the horses were genuinely happy to see him. He'd miss that overpowering smell of manure as he wandered about the yard sweeping away the debris before the riding lessons started and he was sure he'd begin to pine for the opportunity to clean the horses out. That often was him and Dean's job mid-week and they always got a laugh out of it. 

He wouldn't get to have early morning conversations over hot chocolate with Jo where they talked about anything and everything. She'd grown to be like a sister to Castiel, not like Anna who sneered down her nose at him, but a sister who looked up to him and was always available to talk about nothing in particular. 

Jessica wouldn't be able to smile her beautiful, warm smile at him in times of hurt or hug him when he was sad. She'd definitely been a Mother figure, something Castiel couldn't even remember having. 

What would he do without Sam? Tall, luscious-haired Sam Winchester with his wicked sense of humor and compassion that went beyond any Cas had ever seen. Coupled with Jessica the two of them could create world peace, simply by looking at the poor countries. Sam had always been there for Cas, even when no one else could be and he'd been the closest thing Cas had ever come to having a proper big brother. Not one that teased him, but a supportive and kind big brother. 

And Dean. Dean Winchester. The green eyed mystery. Castiel didn't even want to think what life would be without him. 

Cas noticed a small damp circle in the corner of the letter and he realised he was crying. 

"I have to go," he whispered, a sad smile making his lips curl up. The money he'd receive from going on his tour would get his family out of all the financial trouble they were facing which was obvious despite their big smiles and optimistic attitudes. It was fine, he'd spend a few months away and come back with cash that could help fix everything. "I have to go," he repeated. Dean walked past his bedroom door which was closed and he pressed his ear against it, hearing Castiel chant away to himself. "I have to go, come on Cas, you have to go." 

Dean opened the door and stood in the doorframe, looking at him as he shook his head. 

"You don't have to go" he said and sat on his bed, taking him into his arms. "You don't have to go." 

"I do," Cas wailed. Dean kissed his forehead, wiping the dampness from his cheeks. "I'll bring the money back." 

"Money? Is that was this is about?" 

"We need money, Dean." 

"There is plenty of money in the world, Cas," Dean said. "You don't have to go and get all of it." They sat in silence for a while and Dean gently rocked Cas who leaned on his chest. 

"It's only eight months, how hard could it be?" He laughed a pained laugh and wiped his eyes. "Why am I crying?" He laughed again. 

"Do you want to go?" Castiel shook his head slightly. 

"I need to," he said. 

 

The day came for Castiel to leave for his journey. He had one large suitcase and a smaller one on top of it and a rucksack full of things he'd need on the plane. The journey to the airport had been quiet, no one really knew what to say. Sam had had to cancel the funding from the showjumping organisation that morning and there was a lump in his throat that he couldn't shake. Dean drove safely, for once. 

Alfie sat in the boot with his head resting on the back seat. From time to time he nuzzled Cas who sat between Jess and Jo and Cas would reach his hand back and tickle the retriever's ear. 

"Safe flight," Sam said and hugged Castiel tightly. "And thank you." His voice broke 

"Enjoy yourself," Jess smiled and kissed Cas' cheek before wrapping her arms around his waist. 

"Call me at 3am," Jo winked and threw her arms around his neck. 

Cas turned to Dean who was desperately fighting the urge to cry as he gripped the handles of Cas' bags. 

"Don't go," Dean whispered into Cas' neck and Cas felt tears well up in his eyes. "I'll miss you," Dean cried quietly. He put the bags down and held him as tight as he could, burying his face in his neck and breathing deeply. "I love you." 

"I love you too," Cas whimpered and he kissed him gently. As Dean let him go Cas felt his heart being ripped apart. He was cold, strangely cold, and already he felt lonely. "Bye guys," he smiled while the tears ran down his face. They chorused a sad goodbye and forced smiles onto their faces while they waved him off. Dean's bottom lip quivered. 

"He'll be back before you know it," Sam tried to reassure his brother and put his arm around his shoulders. Jess looped her arm through Dean's and Jo rested her head on his shoulder and they watched Cas go through the big doors. He turned to wave at them and they all waved back, biting bottom lips. 

"I hope so," said Dean. 

 

The house was quiet, too quiet and an air of sadness hung over the remaining four bodies. Castiel had been a breath of fresh air in the house and now that he was gone the humidity and the stuffyness had returned. Alfie rested his head loosely on the arm of the chair and Tilly pottered around with even less enthusiasm as she usually did. Rosie padded around the house with her nose to the ground, trying to sniff out the missing person before she gave up and slumped down by the TV. Caspian shook his head when Dean neared him for dinner and Dean could tell he could sense something was different. Ollie nudged Dean's back from his stall in an attempt at comfort and Dean smiled. 

"He'll be back soon," he forced himself to say. 

Sam had his head in his hands at the kitchen table with three letters in front of him, each marked with that dreaded seal. The big bold number at the bottom of the page and the signature of importance stared up at him with a face like the devil's. 

"Just," he said when his brother came up behind him. "We can  _just_ do this. We need to cut down on a few expenses this month but apart from that, we're just making it." The first genuine smile in a while spread across Sam's lips as the thought struck him. "This is actually the best we've done for ages." 

A stabbing sensation picked at Dean's heart as he remembered why Cas had gone in the first place and for this month, finances weren't too bad. 

He sat in Cas' room on his own in the jumper that Cas normally wore and stared outside at the stables down below. Caspian poked his head out from time to time, Ollie doing the same to comfort him when they met. Cas' bed was cold and Alfie didn't want to sleep at the end of it but Dean stayed. It smelled of Cas in there. 

He was about to drift off when a disturbance downstairs caught his attention. There was a few loud bangs and the dogs started to bark and Dean darted down the stairs to meet his brother who stood stock still in the hallway. 

"Sam?" he asked worriedly and looked round into the kitchen to see a figure stumbling in the darkness. 

"Dean?" Dean's body flushed red hot and he flicked the light on to see Castiel tripping over his bags. "I could seriously use a hand," he laughed. 

"Cas?!" Dean shrieked, his voice breaking. Castiel just dropped his bags to the ground and stepped over them, waving his hands at them with disgust. "What are you doing?" Dean practically leapt into his arms and began to kiss him all over his face, his hands squeezing him tightly. "I'm so glad you're home." Cas took Dean's face in both of his hands and kissed him passionately on the lips. 

"I couldn't go," he frowned before Dean kissed it into a smile. "I couldn't go," he repeated.  

"You didn't have to," Dean said and cradled his head into his shoulder. 

"I want to be here with you," Cas whimpered and Sam came up to put a hand on his back. 

"Welcome home, buddy," he said and enclosed both of them in his long arms. 

  
  


  
  



	5. We All Want To Be Beside The Seaside...

"Guess where we're going, Lily?" Jo squealed with delight as she packed her horse's things into the trunk along with the rest. "We're going to Spain!" 

Upon Castiel's return home, Sam had immediately emailed the showjumping organisation and accepted their offer to sponsor Cas. Which meant that shortly after, they all filled out their forms and sent them off so that they would be included in the lists of competitors for this year's big event; which was in Spain. They put Castiel in for the lower class competition as, despite how much they would like to think he was on par with them, it would be unfair to put him through that so he settled with very little argument for the lower standard competition. 

"Sam we've been through this before, hurry up!" Dean cursed, waiting at the bottom of the stairs looking up at the landing. Sam threw his jods over the banister - he knew he had them this time - and flew about his room looking for his jacket this time. 

"Dean, I swear to God my jacket was here last night. I promise you," he wailed and his heavy footsteps crashed about. Castiel sighed as he walked in, his arm outstretched, and from it hung Sam's navy jacket. 

"Sam," Dean called, his fingers pressing the bridge of his nose. 

"Yeah?" His brother leaned over the banister and sighed loudly when he saw his missing jacket on Cas' arm. None of them said anything, they just walked back outside to the girls. "Someone's doing this on purpose," Sam murmured and threw his jacket into his bag in the car.

The transporting company they had hired to take their horses across arrived not too long before they were scheduled to leave and Bobby had told them that he was fine looking after the remaining two bays, the guy that Jess taught would be round to feed the horse he rode most often. For the next week, he was fine to use the horse when he liked. He just had to check in with Bobby and check back out again. Bobby was again on dog duty but he didn't mind, the dogs were a hell of a lot of fun.

Dean had to push down all of the bags in the trunk with as much force as he could muster and even then he had to get Castiel to sit on the backseat and push them down with his legs so that he could shut it. They couldn't afford to pay for parking for more than one vehicle so that they didn't have to take the car with them, so they had to squeeze everything into the Impala, including five people. It was only Dean who didn't have bags piled at his feet and that was purely because he was driving.

Bobby waved them off with a smile and Alfie sat at his heels nodding his head as a goodbye too.

Dean hated flying. He really hated flying. Castiel's hand almost went purple he gripped it so tightly while they were taking off. The stewardess asked him if he wanted a drink and he almost jumped out of his skin.

"He's fine for now, thanks," Cas interjected and patted the top of Dean's hand. "There there," he soothed.

"Ollie hates travelling just as much as I do," Dean grumbled and tightly closed his eyes. "On planes, anyway." Sam laughed from behind them and tapped the top of his brother's head. 

"Pretty sure he's not on a plane," he chuckled. 

"Then where is he?" Panic rose up Dean's throat and he spun to look his brother in the eye. 

"I dunno, probably on a ferry. How would they get a horse on a plane?" Dean sank back into his seat and tried not to look out of the window, refusing to close the blind. 

"I don't know," he muttered. 

"Relax, we'll be there in no time." 

Dean managed to nod off to sleep while Cas stroked the top of his hand with his thumb. Cas watched the world go by from the small window with an album of piano music he had recently bought by Michael Nyman playing in his ears. The sun made the sea glisten and the steady breaths of a sleeping Dean put his mind at rest. Everything was peaceful. 

Except for Sam, who grumbled incessantly behind them trying to complete a crossword he'd been at for days, Jessica doing her best to help. Jo leaned over her to peer at the paper and pretended to know what she was doing by making smart remarks, only annoying Sam further. She really knew how to ruffle his feathers. The stewardess made her rounds a few more times and Cas sat back and drank coffee, all the while his thumb on Dean's hand. 

The pilot's voice rang through the intercom and announced that they were soon coming in to land and Dean suddenly jolted awake with a sharp intake of breath, his death grip on Cas' fingers initiating again. 

"This is just as bad as taking off," Sam laughed. 

"Shut up," Dean barked and Cas tried to keep down his fits of giggles. 

The heat hit them instantly as they stepped off the plane, the terminal full of agitated sweaty Americans that grumbled abuse at people who walked too slowly. It was a matter of seconds before items of clothing were removed and thrown over shoulders, Sam, Dean and Cas deciding that it was probably too soon to be removing shirts completely. 

They waited impatiently for their luggage which took too long to come round on the conveyor belt and when they had their stuff Dean was all too eager to get to the ferry port to wait for the horses. Jess and Jo tried to get him to slow down long enough to appreciate the beautiful scenery as they stepped out of the airport but he was having none of it. 

"Eat, and calm down," Jo demanded and handed him a polystyrene cup of fries from a nearby stand as he paced back and forth staring off onto the sea. From time to time he'd check the invisible watch on his wrist before he'd grumble to himself about how stupid and pointless the action was and toss some insult to the ferry company complaining at how slow they were being. Jo kept telling him they weren't scheduled to arrive for another fifteen minutes, but what did Dean care?

When the ferry finally came in Dean was on the brink of angry explosion and he tossed his empty cup into the nearby bin as he stormed towards the ferry. Lots of riders were waiting and had been for ages to get first shot at getting their horses so that they could begin enjoying their holiday. Dean shuffled with his hands in his pockets and Cas did his best to soothe his nerves. 

"Finally," Dean muttered and as his fingers enclosed around the grey rope of the lead rein he exhaled loudly and Ollie nudged him gently. 

"See, he's fine, you're fine, I told you," Sam growled and pulled Pip along beside him. 

Cas' jaw dropped in complete awe when they got to their hotel. They'd rationed food and other items back at home to be able to pay for a little higher class accommodation than they were used to. It was still nothing fancy, but any place where all the bed linen matched and had a fridge in the corner of the room was high enough class for them. The brothers had played a game of rock paper scissors to determine - in secret - which room Jo would sleep in and, as usual, Dean chose scissors and, as usual, Sam beat him from pure expectation. Dean cursed and rolled his eyes. 

He threw his bags onto the double bed as did Cas and Jo, with a wide smile and a skip in her step bounced up onto the single and lay her head on the fluffier than normal pillow. She stared up at the ceiling with her arms by her sides and exhaled loudly. 

"I'm gonna like this," she beamed. 

 

"This is insane," Dean breathed into Cas' hair who sat between his legs, resting on his chest. The sand on the beach was already in everything they'd brought, the cooler with the beer, their socks and shoes and Cas' glasses case. Dean leaned back on his arms and looked down at the sea with the waves making the kids squeal with delight as they ran away. 

"Beautiful, isn't it," Cas smiled. He hadn't been anywhere like this since he was a kid and he'd gone with his family. But he distinctly remembered Balthazar threatening to drown him in the sea which made Cas paranoid and insisted on going nowhere near the dangers of the water, or his brother. So for now, while he was with Dean, he could lie against him and close his eyes, letting the sun warm his face and arms. 

"Smile!" Jess cheered and snapped a picture of the two of them squinting in the sunlight at the camera before she ran off down the beach, her blonde hair trailing behind her. She met Jo by the waters edge and took more photos, running back away from the splashes of the kids protecting the camera with her life. Sam sat down beside his brother and pulled a beer from the cooler, twisting the cap off and taking a long drink. 

"She's gonna drive us insane with that camera," he chuckled, watching his girlfriend prance about in the sand. The dark blue bikini she wore emphasised how tanned her skin was, enhancing her beauty. Even Cas had to admit she was pretty amazing. Sam ran a hand through his long hair and sighed, leaning back on his arms. 

"You alright?" Dean asked, squinting to see him. Sam nodded with a smile. 

"How can I not be? We have to go out tonight, maybe just us guys. Let the ladies do girl stuff," he said optimistically. Cas nodded enthusiastically and looked behind at Dean who was down with the idea too. "Awesome." Sam took off down the beach, his hair waving back in the breeze and making Dean and Cas giggle. 

"I'm so glad you came back," said Dean.

"Me too," whispered Cas and he put a hand on Dean's thigh. They hadn't really spoken about it, not even the night he arrived home but neither of them seemed to want to talk about it. 

"Would you have gone?" 

"Dean, I did go." 

"But would you have stayed?" Cas couldn't provide a straight answer, there were so many factors that depended on whether he stayed or went. 

"I don't know," he said plainly. 

"Well, I'm glad you didn't." Dean leaned forward and kissed his hair. 

"Me too." They sat in a comfortable silence and watched the other tourists do what tourists did best - make lots of noise and more often than not, make idiots out of themselves. One man with a dog fell face first into the sand as the animal tried to run off to chase a frisbee that a couple of kids were throwing around and another group of teenage girls shrieked as the dog pelted past them, kicking sand up behind it. 

There were a couple of jockeys running along the shoreline, horseless for now. 

"There are races?" Dean asked. 

"Maybe they're Spanish jockeys and they live here," said Cas almost sarcastically.  

"Thanks for that," Dean murmured.

"We could go see, if you like." 

"Nah, I don't like horse racing. Always thought it was a bit cruel." 

"You're too tall and muscular to be a jockey anyway," Cas grinned and squeezed the fingers that were on Dean's thigh. 

"Good." Cas laughed. 

Jessica returned and slumped down beside them, grabbing a beer as she went. The water from the sea on her skin glistened in the sunlight and Sam rubbed his hand across her stomach to wipe it away, planting a delicate kiss on her lips before she took another photo of him. 

"I'm fed up of that thing already," laughed Sam and playfully tried to take it from her.

"Nope!" Jessica squealed and rolled onto her front, the camera beneath her stomach. 

"You know I can pick you up," Sam threatened and when Jessica shook her head he picked her up with his ridiculously strong arms and shook her until the camera fell from her grasp, laughing hysterically. Castiel watched from his seat against Dean and grinned up at them - they were the perfect couple. They were a perfect mixture of maturity and immaturity and completely comfortable about it. He hoped that him and Dean would grow to be like that. "I warned you," Sam pointed out and placed her carefully back onto the sand. Dean snatched the camera and placed it in the small space between him and Cas where his back arched and grinned smugly at Jess. 

"Not fair," she whined and sat with her arms crossed, facing away from Sam. 

"You're sexy when you're mad," Sam inticed and put his lips on her shoulder. Still, Jessica refused to look at him so he snaked a hand round to her stomach, the other on her thigh. 

"Nuh uh," Jess said and angled her head away. Sam spun her round and kissed her mouth, grinning against her teeth as she fell into him in defeat. 

"Love you," he whispered and Jess whispered the same thing back, sitting in his lap. 

Warmth spread through Cas as he watched the two of them 'argue' and he sighed contentedly, running his hand up and down Dean's leg, feeling Dean's fingers comfortingly squeeze his arm. The moment was just right, with the sunlight and the smell of the sea, two brothers and their lovers happy with each other and totally relaxed, nothing was an effort anymore. Everything fell into place just like a proper relationship should do. 

"I'm gonna go see Ollie," Dean announced and kissed Cas as he got up. 

"Sit down, for God sake," Sam ordered and shoved his brother back down into the sand. "Will you enjoy your holiday? Ollie is fine, Pip is fine, Lily and Maia and Caspian are fine. Just relax, jeez." 

"But-"

"No!" Castiel had always thought Sam's cuteness level rose tenfold when he was trying to be assertive. Sure, he was a tall and broad guy who could look pretty terrifying if he put his mind to it, but his big brown puppy eyes and long luscious hair really diminished any ounce of threat he had going on. Dean had the narrowed eyes and jagged jawline of a man who was angry. But instead of arguing back, he sighed and sat back down again, pulling Cas but against him. 

"Fine," he muttered. 

His bad mood soon faded when he managed to drag himself down to the water and for the first time in a long time actually had a proper swim. He went out far enough that his feet didn't touch the ground and he silenced Sam's incessant whining about him thinking too much about his horse. Cas listened to them bicker and when he was fed up he swept his arm through the water, showering them both at the same time. 

Which of course then meant that they had to do something to retaliate to his gesture, so both brothers jumped on Cas and threw him about the sea, all three of them laughing and joking around. Cas felt completely safe despite two men throwing him between them, but the two men were Sam and Dean Winchester and he couldn't feel safer anywhere else. 

Jessica stood at the shoreline and took a gazillion photos, this was their first proper holiday away and she was never going to let anyone forget it. 

Dean eventually got his wish and was allowed to see Ollie after a couple more hours of sun, holding Cas' hand tightly as they walked down the dirt track to the stables. A stout man with greying hair waved at them with a gloved hand and removed it to shake Dean's heartily. He led them further down the track and they reached the wooden stalls which were laid out in four rows of seven.

It was almost like the black stallion could sense Dean's presence as he stuck his head out of the window to his stall to greet the two of them. Dean's face lit up and he kissed Cas' cheek before bounding off to his horse, putting both hands on either side of his nose and pressing his forehead to his. 

"You're free to take him when you like, of course. Just come see me to let me know," the short greying man said and Dean all-to-eagerly unlatched the door and lead Ollie out by his headcollar. He handed the lead rein to Cas and headed off to where Caspian was held and he brought the grey horse back too. 

"We're going for a ride?" Cas asked. 

"Yup." 

Everything was so picturesque in this part of Spain with its planted palm trees lining the bays full of expensive yachts and small dinghy type boats that floated on the surface of the clear blue water. The setting sun cast a purpley-orange haze across the sky and the birds were merely shadows in the light of the evening flying across the colours in the background. The water gently lapped at the tiled bay, the mumble of calm bar-going tourists a contented whisper beneath the serenity of the night. 

"Nervous?" asked Castiel who looked to Dean sitting quietly astride his horse. 

"Nah," Dean shrugged and in the dim light of the sun his eyes met Cas'. "You?" 

"A little," Cas confessed. 

"You'll be brilliant," Dean comforted and lined Ollie up with Caspian so that he could put a hand on Cas' knee. Cas placed his hand on top of his and they continued along their way in silence. 

They got back to the beach again and by this point it had completely cleared, a slight chill in the air raising the hairs on the back of Cas' neck. They dismounted and removed their shoes, walking barefoot along the sand with their horses walking beside them. 

Suddenly Dean let go of Ollie's rein and quickly pressed his lips against Cas' who, out of shock, dropped Caspian's rein and fell to the ground, Dean leaning over him kissing his face desperately. His hands were all over his body, tugging at his shirt and carding his fingers through his hair, breathing heavily like he was gasping for whatever Cas was offering. Cas couldn't say anything, Dean didn't leave his mouth for long enough to breathe properly let alone speak to him. 

"What-" he managed to croak in a break of two seconds he had before Dean was on him again like a wild animal. 

"I love you," Dean breathed loudly and pressed his face into Cas' neck, licking, kissing and biting the skin he found all the way down to his collarbone. Cas squirmed beneath him, his hands gripping Dean's shirt as his pelvis grinded down on top of him and the two of them took their shirts off, the skin on skin contact making Cas' body flush red hot. He pushed Dean's face away from him and stared at him in the eye with a half confused, half aroused look on his surprised features. Quickly looking around, all he could see was Ollie and Caspian standing a few feet from where they were lying and the sea rippling down the beach. 

"OK," he sighed and pulled Dean back down. 

As each thrust filled Castiel up and made him feel whole he moaned into Dean's neck who completely covered him with his own sweating naked body, the sand of the beach not providing a good enough substance for Cas to squeeze in his fists. He sucked at Dean's chest, his nails raking down his back and gripping his hips which pulsated on top of him in a relentless rhythm that pushed him closer and closer. Cas cried his name up at the purple sky and for one glorious moment he felt completely weightless, like the wispy clouds of the evening sky were carrying him towards the sun, the heat getting more intense the faster they carried him until it was almost unbearable and he had to cry louder and louder as everything around him sped up. 

Dean sat up and kept thrusting his hips, pressing his strong hands against the inside of Cas' thighs and watching him convulse beneath him with a huge grin on his face. Cas buried his hands in the sand, desperately trying to find something to grip and as soon as Dean took hold of his dick in his hand and began to rub it hard, he could do nothing but shout his name and hope that the noise would satisfy his urge to take hold of something, anything. Dean grinned and synchronized his hand with his hips and soon enough the heat was almost visible in fumes from Cas' body. 

"Dean-" he cried and came loudly, but Dean didn't calm his hand. He kept going until he climaxed too, pushing himself further into Cas as he did so and after a few more thrusts he collapsed back on top of him, kissing the sides of his mouth and his nose and his chin. "I love you too," Cas laughed and invaded Dean's mouth with his tongue. 

They were consciously aware that their horses were standing not too far away but at a quick glance they weren't facing their way so they couldn't have noticed. Dean chuckled. 

"I want you with me forever," he whispered, looking deep into Cas' eyes. 

"That's an awful long time," Cas smiled and kissed Dean's nose. 

"I know." 

Dean lay on his back in the sand and Cas rested his head on his chest and they faced the sea, watching the waves rise and fall on the beach. They used their clothes to cover their bodies, neither of them actually putting any on, and with their legs entwined they lay talking about nothing in particular. The horses grazed on the grass right at the top where the sand stopped and everyone was perfectly happy to be still. 

The sky darkened to a deep purple before turning completely black and the stars appearing to twinkle down at them from their place in the heavens. The cold had really begun to sink in so the two of them had no choice but to put their clothes back on. Their body heat kept them warm, however, tightly knit in each other's embrace as the breeze ruffled their hair. 

Dean's phone buzzed; a text from Sam. He replied swiftly before putting it back into his pocket and re-wrapping his arms around Castiel who threatened to drift off to sleep against him. 

When he did fall asleep, Castiel dreamed of Dean like he usually did, his smell, the sound of his voice and the roughness of the stubble on his jaw were all vivid in his imagination. They were walking down the Spanish beach hand in hand surrounded by strangers sunbathing or playing in the sand and sea. When suddenly a woman wearing a crucifix around her neck stopped and began to point at them, her brow furrowed and her husband pulling the kids away from the two of them. For a moment, Cas was completely stunned, looking around to see what could cause the woman to be so disgusted, until he glanced down at his hand clasped in Dean's. 

The anger rose up Dean's throat and he started to shout - but no words came out. They lived in a society where homosexuality was not so much of a sin anymore, hell, same sex marriage had been legalised for goodness sake. In his dreams, Cas watched Dean furiously, yet silently defend them and wondered why he even had to. 

Cas hadn't had this dream before, well, nightmare. 

"Cas?" Dean shouted and shook Castiel's trembling shoulders. 

"What?" Cas coughed as he awoke suddenly from his nightmare, catching Dean's worried gaze. 

"Nightmare?" Cas shrugged. 

"It's nothing," he smiled. 

 

"I hope you're gonna spend some quality time with your brother today considering you ditched me last night," Sam barked at Dean when they all met for breakfast the next morning. The Winchester boys both piled their plates high with eggs and bacon and toast, the biggest mugs of coffee they could find and sat down in a pair at a two seater table.

"Boys," Jo sighed and rolled her eyes. The remaining three members sat together and ate like normal human beings should when in public. 

The first heats of the competitions were scheduled later that day. The horses had had a good day doing minimal activity so for the morning the five of them needed to get them warmed up and ready to compete. 

"He didn't really take to his breakfast this morning, he ate it but, eventually," the stout man sighed as he took Dean to Ollie's stall. 

"Did you give him the right stuff?" The man showed him the bag he'd taken the feed from and it was the same bag that Dean had told him to use. "Hm." It wasn't like Ollie to be picky with his food. Especially with that stuff. 

"Probably still getting over the journey, happens sometimes. He should be fine though just keep an eye on him." Dean patted Ollie's nose, the horse's dark eyes looking straight at him. 

"You OK buddy?" Dean asked and slid the reins over his head. He fastened the girth of the saddle and lead him outside to meet the others. Cas noticed the slight frown in Dean's face and kissed it away. 

"Everything good?" 

"Ollie was weird with his breakfast, it's probably nothing," Dean smiled. 

The competition grounds were guarded by tanned men dressed entirely in red and frankly quite sombre expressions on their faces. They took down the names of each rider or guest that passed through the gates at five different parts of the grounds and handed them a sheet of paper that they had to fill out and take to a special table where cheery women handed them either a leaflet for the spectators or a competitor number for the riders. Jessica fussed over her friends and pinned the numbers to the back of their jackets for them before tying the horses' ones to their saddles. 

There were people everywhere, Cas was having a hard time distinguishing riders from spectators as due to the intense heat of the morning sun, jackets and jods had been swapped for shorts and t-shirts. Jess insisted that they at least keep their jods on, despite the grumbles and complaints. The smells of food wafted through the dry air and all too quickly Dean's stomach began to rumble again. 

"You literally ate like, an hour ago," Sam laughed when Dean asked if anyone had any change on them. Dean shrugged his shoulders. 

A practice ring had been set up not too far from the main competition ring and was again guarded by the annoyed men in red. They took note of the numbers on the backs of their jackets and ticked them off to allow them in for a warm-up. Dean hoisted himself up into the saddle and was for a second taken aback by how Ollie shifted underneath his weight, almost as if he hadn't been expecting it and had almost fallen. He patted his neck and sat still for a while, an eyebrow raised in question. 

They started off slowly, especially in this heat any extensive work was severely bad for both horse and rider. Ollie's black coat meant he was subject more to the heat so they couldn't be out for long. 

Castiel felt really quite professional as Caspian jumped flawlessly jump after jump in a ring of riders that had been doing this for a lot longer than he had. He remembered everything Dean had taught him in those agonising few months and now that his body felt refreshed and whole again he could really put them properly into practice. Some other riders in his rank were just as good as he was, perhaps even better, but he didn't let anything sway him. If Dean had taught him anything, it was not to care about anyone else. 

Jessica felt good being out and competing again, it had been a while. Maia had been underused in the months leading up to their excursion to Spain and both horse and rider seemed glad to be out, and in this beautiful country too. She grinned at Cas as she went and hi-fived Sam as they passed, Pip and Maia angling their heads at each other. 

Ollie got tired quickly and Dean had to stop him. They came to a halt on the outskirts of the ring and when Cas dismounted to join him he seemed concerned. Ollie coughed and chewed on his bit in his mouth more than he normally did and Dean ran his hand around his head and neck, feeling for something out of the ordinary. 

"Is he OK?" Cas asked and Caspian nudged Ollie with his nose. 

"I don't know," Dean sighed, his brow furrowed. 

The time passed quickly and soon it was time for the first heat. Dean kissed Cas gently for good luck and squeezed his fingers before they parted ways, Cas walking in the opposite direction to find his own competition. Jo had been gone all morning, dressage was in a different grounds entirely. 

Castiel was second last on the list of competitors so he stood quietly, watching the 'professionals' at work. He could have sworn there was a teenage girl somewhere in there and his confidence dropped slightly but then he entwined his fingers in Caspian's mane and things didn't seem so bad. A man who stood behind Cas in the line tapped him on the shoulder and Cas turned to see the man smiling. 

"Nervous?" he asked cheerily. 

"A little," Cas admitted. "You?" 

"Nah, I've done this rank so many times it's kind of like second nature." The man's tone didn't change as he spoke about his failure, instead his eyes remained bright and he stroked his beautiful bay stallion's neck like he was the proudest man alive. 

"Oh really?" asked Cas, genuinely interested in the story he knew was following. 

"Yeah, I normally come ninth, or tenth. I'm not bad, everyone else is just good, is what I keep telling myself," he explained. "Done this for about four years now. First time we've been in Spain, though." He had a massive smile on his face and his happiness made Cas happy. 

"You don't give up?" The man took a small step back and widened his eyes like he'd taken offence. 

"Why would I do that?" 

"Well, uh," Cas began but he wasn't sure how to finish the sentence without sounding like a complete douche. 

"There's no point. I love doing this, I love competing. I love riding and I love my horse. I'm not going to let some crummy competition get my hopes up," the man said, smiling all the while. "This your first competition?" 

"I've done a few small ones, ranked highly," said Cas. "First time I've been to anything like this, though." 

"Your horse is gorgeous." Cas looked to Caspian who stood tall, the sun glinting off his grey coat. It was almost like he was watching the show too, mentally taking notes. 

"Thanks, yours too." The man rested his head against his horse's. 

"Are you here with anyone?" Cas looked around the grounds to see if he could catch a glimpse of any of them, but there were so many people everywhere in staggered seating and wandering about between the competition rings that it would have been impossible to distinguish Sam, Dean or Jess. 

"I'm here with my family, they're competing in the higher competitions," Cas said proudly with no hesitation. 

"Your parents ride?" Cas chuckled. 

"No no, my boyfriend and his brother and his girlfriend, along with another woman who's away doing dressage." Castiel stopped and smiled to himself as he listed each member of his new family. He realised that called Dean his 'boyfriend' and he suddenly felt all warm inside. 

"Boyfriend?" Cas nodded and raised an eyebrow. "That's cool." An awkwardness hung the air like a dead fish and Cas wondered if that was a friendship lost. "So your family isn't actually, family. Man, that must be nice. Having friends so close that you consider them family." Cas sighed with relief. 

"It is, I don't have much in the way of a blood family so this is just perfect," he said. "What about you? Any moral support?" 

"Nah, my brothers moved to Canada a couple of years ago and my Dad is too sick to travel. My Mom is off somewhere with a new man, I haven't seen her for years." 

"Oh, I'm sorry." 

"Don't be! I have this guy here" - he tapped his horse - "so I don't need anyone else." 

A round of applause drowned out the rest of their conversation and as Cas heard his name through the loudspeaker he smiled a goodbye at his new friend and jumped up into Caspian's saddle. As he rode into the ring he was immediately aware of hundreds of pairs of eyes staring at him and his body grew hot with nerves. Combined with the heat from the sun and his jods and jacket, he could feel himself sweating already. 

He waited at the start for his nerves to settle a bit and shifted in the saddle for a while as he tried to find a comfortable enough position to begin. Silence fell on the audience and his subdued nervousness returned, his hands shaking a little as they gripped the reins. 

_You'll be perfect..._

_  
_Dean's voice echoed in his head and he breathed in with closed eyes.

"I'll be perfect," he whispered and tapped Caspian's sides to start his round. 

The world seemed to disappear and only the thudding sound of his horse's hooves sounded in his ears, rising and falling with the gait and anticipating the movements of Caspian before and after he left the ground. They sped up to a canter and Cas resisted the urge to look around at the eyes following him, instead focusing on what was coming up and preparing himself for the shift in position. By now, everything about Caspian was second nature to him but in the pressure of the competition and all of those people watching, what he was used to faded. 

His hands still shook and he gripped the leather reins harder until his knuckles grew white but he didn't slow down or stop, he couldn't. Dean's voice kept playing over and over in his head and soon enough his confidence was returning. 

Caspian could sense his change in mindset and with Cas his confidence grew too, becoming a little more independent with how he went and the two of them glided effortlessly over the hurdles placed in their way. 

Another round of applause rumbled through the grounds and Cas realised that it was for him; he would have kept going had they not signalled his departure. 

Castiel's new friend did well, but just, well. Nothing spectactular, nothing catastrophic. He had such a beautiful animal, Cas was in the right mind to suggest he do dressage but he'd stuck with showjumping for so long that it almost seemed cruel for him to give an alternative. They congratulated each other when they met afterwards and not too long after the judge announced the competitors who would move up to the next stage. 

Both Castiel and his new friend were moved up, which came as a total shock to the man with the beautiful bay. 

"This is insane," he whispered with wide eyes and shook Cas' hand. "See you on the other side, brother." 

Sam, Dean and Jessica all made it through their first heat too, but that was to be expected. A group of as highly ranked riders as those three kind of had to make it past the first heat. The hugged it out when they were reunited with Cas and they tied their horses to a metal rail on a trailer so that they could have a wander and take in the sights. Dean however, stayed with Ollie, who was sweating and coughing in the heat of the day. 

"Is he alright?" asked Cas and he slid his arms round Dean's stomach with his chin on his shoulder. Dean put his hands on Cas' and leaned back into him, his brow still furrowed with worry as he looked on at his horse. 

"I think it's just too hot for him," he said. 

"The others don't seem to be doing too badly, weird." 

"Ollie's coat is darker, though," Dean said and that gave him a little comfort. 

When Sam and Jess returned they were holding plastic cups of beer and had acquired four big straw hats with the name of the showjumping organisation plastered across them in red on a white background. Cas and Dean were bullied into wearing the hats, on the condition that they if they did, they got their beer. The drinks were ice cold and totally refreshing after spending at least an hour suited up in what might as well be thermals. 

"How's he doing?" Sam asked and shifted Pip into the shade. 

"I don't know," Dean frowned. "I think it's just too hot for him." Cas fiddled with his hat - he couldn't lie against Dean in the grass with the stupid thing properly on his head. 

"He'll be fine," Sam encouraged and sat Jess in his crossed legs on the ground. 

"We should do dinner out tonight, there's a really nice place not too far from the hotel," Jessica suggested and Cas nodded his head enthusiastically. 

"The place with the huge lilies over the door?" he beamed. 

"Yeah! Isn't it beautiful?" 

"Definitely." Cas and Jess looked excitedly to the brothers who both peered over at Ollie. 

"Sam?" Jess said and snapped her fingers in front of Sam's face. 

"What? Yeah, sure, sounds good," replied Sam with distant eyes. 

 

The restaurant with the big lilies over the door held much awe for Cas, Jess and Jo. They were massive, orange and yellow flowers that draped down over the main entrance and just made the entire place look stupidly expensive - this was going to be their one main expenditure for the week that they were here. Everything inside was typically Spanish with its deep orange walls and tables covered with white linen tablecloths. Sconces lined the walls and provided a dim yellow light by which sophisticated tourists and glamorous men and women dined on beautifully cooked Spanish cuisine. 

"I feel so out of place," Dean muttered, looking down at his three quarter length jeans and boots. Both Jess and Jo wore flowing full length dresses in bright colours and felt almost regal as they took their places at a five seater circular table in the corner of the restaurant. A suave looking waiter took their drinks order; beer all round. 

The menus were massive, bigger than an A4 sheet of paper and were cased in a sturdy black book type thing to make it easy to read. Even the fanciness of the writing on the page made Dean feel inadequate and Castiel hadn't ever seen half of the words on the page. Thankfully though, it was all in English. But that didn't make it any easier to understand. 

"What the hell is zarangollo," Dean asked, turning his nose up at the pronunciation of the word. 

"Order it and find out," Jess smirked, a little annoyed at his rudeness. "Or read the words underneath, at least." 

The girls settled on escalivada, a salad with grilled vegetables and from fear of ordering something they didn't like the Winchesters and Cas followed their lead. It looked interesting with its bright colours and tasted just as good, but the distinct lack of meat made them crave it. 

Cas noticed how Dean sat in silence while conversation flowed about the table. He chuckled from time to time at something his brother said and smiled at Cas when their eyes met. Cas put his hand on Dean's knee and squeezed it gently. 

"He's fine," he whispered and leaned over to kiss his forehead. 

Choosing a main meal was just as hard as finding a starter. The Winchesters both ordered ropa vieja, a dish that consisted of a large piece of steak and rice, the closest thing they could find that resembled what they'd eat at home. Jessica whined at them for not wanting to put themselves out there and eat something properly typical of the country but she couldn't change their minds. 

"It's the meat," Sam shrugged and read out everyone's order to the waiter. 

Five big wine glasses were sat down in front of them and the waiter poured an expensive looking bottle of wine into each glass, paid for on behalf of the restaurant. It was a crisp white, something none of them drank very often and was considered a delicacy in a budget as low as theirs. 

"So much money," Jo sighed and fiddled with her silver fork. 

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Jess beamed. 

Ice cream was dessert, nothing fancy. Reading lines of ingredients and trying to decide which one looked least offensive was the last thing they wanted by the time they'd got to the end. Dean still hadn't said more than two words to anyone and still Cas tried to cheer him up. A group of riders that Cas recognised from the show entered the restaurant, still clad in their jods and jackets and sat down at a big table where waiters rushed to serve them. They looked like they were getting special treatment. 

"Damn," said Sam when he realised that if they'd come in uniform too, they'd probably have got more free stuff. 

 

Cas gasped when Dean put his guitar case on his shoulder. 

"You brought your guitar?!" he exclaimed and kissed his face lovingly. "How did I not notice that." 

"I'm a ninja," grinned Dean and he took his hand. "Beach?" Cas raised an eyebrow, the last time they went to the beach he'd lost his clothes. He smiled at the thought. Dean's spirits were up and Cas wasn't going to put them back down again. 

They walked this time, Ollie needed some rest and Caspian seemed set on staying with him. There was no impressive purple haze to the sky this time but the sunset was just as breathtakingly beautiful as it had been the night before. 

They sat in the sand opposite each other and Dean rested his guitar on his knee. 

"I've been writing something," he confessed. 

"But I can't hear it, right?" Cas winked. 

"Don't ruin the moment." Dean took a deep breath in and flexed his fingers over the strings, fiddling with the tuning pegs a little. "Don't laugh at me." 

"Never," said Cas. Dean began to play and it totally fit with the scene they found themselves sat in. The notes rolled slowly like the waves that rose up and down on the beach, the bass notes deep and rich like the darkening colours of the sky. Small flurries of accented arpeggios symbolised the Spanish butterflies that fluttered past their faces and danced with each other in the light breeze of the evening. 

Castiel swayed to the gentle beat and closed his eyes. There was something perfectly different about Dean's original compositions, this was something he'd never heard before, something he never thought he would hear and as the harmonics twinkled above the bass notes he could almost see the stars through closed eyes just appearing in the sky above him. Dean's shoulders completely slackened and his arms looked like they were about to drop at any point they were so loose. Cas put his hands on Dean's knees and leaned up into him, Dean still playing, and kissed his lips over the moving melody. 

He licked Dean's bottom lip before using his tongue to explore his mouth, tasting every inch of the perfect being that played such beautiful music for him. Both of them had closed eyes, Dean didn't need to look at this hands to play his own compositions and that was part of the allure for Cas. He was so comfortable with himself when he played that he almost became a different person. 

Dean grinned against Cas' teeth and put his guitar to one side, letting Cas push him down and lean over him, kissing the corners of his mouth, his cheeks, his jaw. Dean snaked his hands up Cas' t-shirt and nipped at his ears, massaging his hips with his hands. 

"I love it," Cas whispered and licked just underneath his jawline. 

"That's a special privilege you know," Dean winked. 

"I am honoured." With each kiss Cas fell deeper and deeper into the green wonderland of Dean's eyes and against his body he didn't ever want to move. "I love you," he whispered and nuzzled his nose with his. 

"I love you," Dean murmured as he kissed him again. "Shift, let's do a duet." 

They sang a couple of classic rock songs that Cas knew the majority of the words too and the empty beach was alive with the sound of a single acoustic guitar and a pair of voices perfectly in sync. It wasn't as cold as it had been the previous night and they didn't have to worry about the horses so after a while they could go for a short walk and plonk themselves down in a new spot. 

Strangely, there was a woman lying on a towel facing the beach and her husband was reading a story to two young children who sat cross legged in front of him. There was a small hamper that Cas saw him take a flask from and pass round the hot liquid to his family. It was a quaint scene and Dean and Cas walked slowly so that Cas could just watch and listen for a while. 

The woman turned her head to Cas and suddenly his body went cold. A gold crucifix hung from her neck and glinted in what little was left of the sunlight. He glanced down at his hand in Dean's and threw it away, crossing his arms. Dean looked at him with offense, his eyebrows knotted and tried to take his hand back. 

"What did I do?" he asked, confused as to why that had come about. 

"Nothing, keep walking," Cas demanded and they walked swiftly past the woman and her family. 

"What was that all about?" cursed Dean when Cas' shoulders loosened and he reached back for his hand. 

"Nothing," Cas smiled and kissed his cheek. 

"You've never been shy before." 

"I'm not shy," Cas pleaded. Dean raised an eyebrow before deciding it was no use fighting. He adjusted his guitar on his shoulder and squeezed Cas' fingers tight. 

"I love you." 

"I love you too." 

They returned back to the hotel late that night and shivering with the cold. Jo was already sound asleep and Cas and Dean managed to get in a quick shared shower before they hopped into bed. Dean held Cas close against his chest like he always did and rested his chin on his wet hair, stroking the back of Cas' hand until his breathing signalled that he'd finally drifted off. 

He thought about the beach incident for a short while. He thought nothing of it in particular. It was nothing, he told himself. 

 

When they arrived to the stables the next morning, the stout man had a sombre look on his face as he met Dean. 

"He didn't eat at all last night, he managed to stomach a little of his breakfast this morning but I can't get him to eat any more. I've tried some other feed too, he's just not hungry," he explained, scratching the back of his neck. Ollie's coat was still drenched in sweat and he paced about his stall with weak legs. 

"Does it get very hot in there?" Dean asked, sticking his hand inside to determine the heat. 

"It can be, but we try our best to keep them as cool as we can." 

"But the heat wouldn't cause him any problems." 

"No, we wouldn't keep a horse here if the heat was a danger to it." Cas watched Dean's face fall. 

"What's wrong with him then?" Urgency had found its way into Dean's tone and it was only a matter of time before it turned into blind fury. 

"I have a theory, but it's probably best to call in an equine veterinarian for a quick once over," the man suggested and Dean nodded his head. "I'll give them a call now."

"Thank you." Cas put his head on Dean's shoulder and Dean put his arm round him. Ollie poked his head out of the stall door and pressed his nose into his rider's outstretched hand. "What's up, buddy." 

Sam, Jess and Jo took Pip, Maia and Lily for a ride along the shoreline before the masses of tourists took over the beach at midday, leaving Dean at the stables with Cas who refused to leave his side. If Dean was going to be upset, Cas was going to be there for him.

The vet was a cheery Spanish dark haired woman who admired the beauty of Ollie for a few seconds before she set to work, examining his mouth, listening to his heart, shining lights in his eyes. She took him out of the stall and as she lead him to softer ground to do a few more tests Ollie's legs buckled beneath him and he collapsed on the concrete ground with a shout. 

Stable boys ran from all sides of the stalls and managed to get him back up again, Dean's eyes wide and his heart racing as he pressed his hands on either side of his horse's face. 

"Hold him steady," the vet ordered and calmed Ollie who was panicking. His breathing had quickened and was unsteady on his feet but for now he remained upright. 

"What was that?!" Dean cried and Cas appeared at his side to calm him down. 

"He just collapsed, we need to get him back to his stall." Ollie found enough strength in his legs to be walked the few metres he had been taken from his stall and the vet encouraged him to lie down on the soft straw that lined the floor. "How long has been uneasy on his feet?" Dean wracked his brains, he'd been unsteady for about a week but they'd been working him quite hard so he thought nothing of it. His mind flicked back to when he was a foal, a tiny, wobbly, unsteady little thing stumbling about his stall. 

"For about a week, I'd say, it's got worse since we came here though. I thought maybe the sweat was just from the heat, but it seems to be excessive," he explained. The vet chewed on the end of her pen and dismissed the stable boys. She ran her hand over Ollie's face and noticed that one of his ears was drooping. 

"What about his ear?" 

"I've just noticed that," Dean admitted shamefully. 

"Has he been eating regularly?" 

"Only recently he's stopped, he's just not interested." The vet scribbled a few things down in her book. 

"Take this down to the clinic about a twenty minute drive from here. They'll give you some antibiotics for him, put it in his food and try and force him to eat. Try anything, he just has to ingest the tablet or it won't work," she said and handed Dean a piece of paper written entirely in Spanish. "I'll be back in a couple of days to check on him, in the mean time you can't ride him. He needs to rest." Dean nodded his head and watched her go. 

"Right, let's go get this." 

Dean and Castiel were quite a sight to see as they tried to navigate their way using public transport run by men who predominantly spoke a language neither of them could understand. They eventually managed to get to some kind of clinic that had people holding animals walking in and out of it so they assumed that this was the right place. After using gestures and lots of pointing, they managed to get the antibiotics they needed and instead of getting the bus again they walked back to the stables. It took them the best part of ninety minutes, but they made it relatively unscathed. 

Ollie was back on his feet and Caspian was trying to angle his head far enough to see him when they returned. The manager of the stables had come to see what had been the result of the examination and he kept quiet about his assumption seeing as it wasn't professional. Dean managed to force down a quarter of a carrot with the tablet lodged in the centre down Ollie's throat and sighed with relief when it didn't come back up again. 

"Looks like I'm withdrawing from the competition," he frowned and patted his horse's neck. Castiel didn't know what to say so he kissed his cheek and hugged him instead. "At least I can come and watch you, though." It was unlike Dean to find the best in something so awful, so Cas knew that there definitely was something wrong. 

"He'll be fine in a few days," Cas smiled and kissed him again. "Don't let it ruin your holiday." 

 


	6. EIA

Dean watched Ollie get sicker and sicker as the days went on. There was one full day left of their holiday which coincidentally was also the day that the finals were taking place. Sam, Jess, Jo and Cas had all made it to the final, but no one could celebrate properly because of the sadness of Dean Winchester. He sat in the stall with Ollie's head in his lap for the majority of each day, feeding him by hand and keeping him company. Whatever antibiotics the vet had prescribed weren't helping to ease Ollie's pain. 

Castiel tried to sit in with him but Dean had begun to grow reclusive again and from fear of being rejected again, Cas did his best to leave him when he wanted to be alone. 

"Mr.Winchester?" the stable manager asked as he put his head through the window in the stall. Dean looked up at him, his eyes glistening in the moonlight that streamed in and caught the tears. "The vet would like a word." Dean gently lifted Ollie's head from his lap and placed it down in the straw on the ground and walked slowly outside to where the vet was flicking through her notes. 

"We have found some swelling in Ollie's chest and the blood samples we took are positive of EIA," she said. Dean's body went cold and he stared blankly at the vet. 

"No," he said casually and shrugged his shoulders. "No they aren't!" 

"I'm sorry, Dean." Dean's body began to tremble and his bottom lip protruded as he tried not to burst into tears. "I'm assuming you know what this means." She put a hand on Dean's shoulder and as if she was some kind of shield Dean clung to her in a breathingtaking hug that took her completely by surprise. He bit his lip, the tears from his eyes staining her white coat and the woman hugged him back, rocking him gently. "I'm really sorry." 

Dean let her go and took a couple of steps back, nodding furiously. 

"OK," he said repeatedly, biting his lip between speech. "Can I, um, can we do it tomorrow? Um, please, I, I want to sit with him, please." The vet looked at the stable manager who shook his head. 

"We have to quarantine him," he said and the vet nodded. 

"Can I sit, um, can I sit with him, in the qu- the quarantine room?" His syllables were slurring and the consonants were growing softer with each whimper that escaped his lips. 

"I'll see what I can do," the vet smiled and stroked his arm. 

They packed Ollie up in a trailer that wouldn't hurt him if he fell and the vet called in a man with a van that could pull the trailer slowly down the highway to the quarantine centre a couple of hours out. For now, Dean wasn't allowed to go but he was assured that nothing would happen until he had been notified and goodbyes had been said. 

He half walked, half stumbled back to the hotel, his face drenched with tears and whimpers that sounded pathetic and lonely shooting from his mouth in manic bursts. He crawled up the stairs and collapsed outside his hotel room door, banging on it with his fist as he cried into the carpet. Jo appeared at the door with Cas behind her and they jumped to his aid, picking him up from the ground and putting him on the bed. 

"What is going on?!" Jo screamed and pummeled on the wall to alert Sam and Jess. 

"EIA," Dean wailed and fisted Cas' shirt. Cas looked at Jo for some kind of context but just saw Jo's face drop and her skin go white. 

"Oh, Dean," she said and pulled the crying man into her chest and stroked the back of his head. Sam and Jess burst through the door that had been left ajar and Sam fell to his knees in front of his brother, Jess sitting beside him with her hand on his back. "EIA," Jo said and in turn the two of them fell silent too. 

"What the hell is EIA?!" Cas exclaimed and through his arms in the air but as he mentioned it a wail ripped through the air and struck Cas right in the heart, pain shooting in every direction. Tears came to his eyes and he didn't want to know what it meant, he just wanted it to go away. 

"Equine Infectious Anemia," Sam said blankly and pressed his forehead to his brother's knee. "It's a blood disease transmitted by blood sucking insects." A small smidgen of hope illuminated inside of Cas as he began thinking of any possible treatment for this kind of thing. 

"Well what are they doing about it?" he asked hopefully with a slight smile. 

"They're putting him down," said Dean. The words crushed Castiel with blissful ease and it felt like he had been shot in the chest. 

"Wh-what?" he stammered. 

"They have to put him down," Sam whispered. Dean still sat with his head resting against Jo and she stroked his head, Cas gripping his hand, Jess leaning against his back and Sam leaning against the bed looking up at him. The air hung with a thousand solemn words and no one could bring themselves to say anything else. A Spanish maid knocked on the door and asked if everything was alright - a chorus of sad 'yes' answering her. 

The five of them swapped rooms so that Dean and Cas could have the double room to be on their own. Dean didn't say much, he curled up in the bend of Castiel's body and bunched his hands up under his chin. It was far too hot to lie like this but Cas wasn't going to move even if he needed to. He put his hand on Dean's face and with his thumb stroked his cheek and wiped the damp from his skin. 

"You know," Dean started before he had to whimper a little. "I always thought he was invincible." A slight chuckle made him tremble before the cries took hold again. "He was so much like me, you know? Ready for anything, not swayed by much. He's a tough one." 

"He was a fighter," Cas soothed and kissed his forehead. 

"What am I gonna do, Cas?" Cas could feel the tears welling up in his eyes but he wasn't going to cry, he had to be strong. He had to be strong and keep it together for Dean. 

"I don't know," he whispered and Dean nuzzled his head further into his chest. 

 

The quarantine building was huge and white and shiny in the midday sunlight. As much as the others had wanted to go with Dean, they made up the majority of the finalists and Dean had insisted that he go on his own so, with the vet, he walked in silence down the long path and through the automatic double doors where men and women in white coats patrolled the grounds with clipboards. 

The vet said something in Spanish to the receptionist and the receptionist lead them down a series of corridors and handed them both a paper mask to put over their mouths. There were all kinds of quarantined animals in cells along the corridors and Dean severely hoped that Ollie wasn't locked somewhere too small for him. He hoped that he could at least walk around and maybe even see the people as they walked past the door. 

When the receptionist left, they had to stand and wait for a while for another man to come and pick them up and lead them back outside to a different building with a large sign labelled 'EQUINE' above the door. It looked like a regular stables from the outside, but upon entering everything was white and the windows to each stall were filled in with glass and the doors a heavy metal. 

A lot of the stalls were empty and apart from a small chestnut mare lying down in one of them, it was only Ollie who was residing in one. The horse weakly lifted its head when the latch clicked to let Dean in and as soon as his eyes settled on Dean his legs began to flail as he tried to haul himself up. But he was weak and kept falling down, Dean putting his hand on his head to keep him where he was. 

"Let us know when you're ready," the vet said with a smile, and patted Dean's shoulder. 

His black hair was shiny with sweat but Dean didn't care as he ran his hand over it. His chest was swollen and his eyes drooped with the feeling of patheticness, his heavy head falling perfectly into place in Dean's lap when he sat down. He kept glancing up at him before his eyes felt heavy and they closed. All Dean kept thinking was, 'he could die on me any second'. But that was the thing with EIA. Ollie could relapse at any second and die on him there. 

His breathing was ragged and it pained Dean to listen. He wanted to close his ears and pretend like everything was OK. 

"This is silly, come on, Ollie. I bet you're fine," he chuckled, trying to cheer himself up. "I know it's hot here, man but really? We lost out on our next first place rosette." Ollie snorted weakly as if to laugh at how ridiculous the whole situation seemed. Though if he'd been able to speak in words to Dean, he'd say he was pretty gutted too. He liked winning. Almost as much as Dean did. "And Pip is never gonna let you live down how he beat you." 

A sad smile crept across Dean's features as he entwined his fingers in the black mane. The quarantined room was soft and clean and was cool despite the hot temperatures outside. It wasn't so bad, Ollie would definitely have preferred to be outside for his final few minutes but beggars can't be choosers. 

"You just gotta promise me buddy that you're not gonna be an arrogant dick when you get up to horse heaven because that would just be stupid." Dean had never been much of a believer in heaven until Castiel came along. Nothing so angelic or good could ever have happened to him unless there was something up there to have sent it. So all he could do was hope that Ollie would be good up there, paradise isn't so much fun when no one else likes you. 

Again, Ollie snorted and almost nodded his head slowly in agreement with Dean's thoughts and nuzzled Dean's hand as it came down to tap his nose. 

"I brought something for you." From his pocket, Dean withdrew a small biscuit type thing that he fed to the dogs at home, but Ollie had always had a love for them ever since he got his head into the bag when it had been left outside his stall. Dean always had them rolling about in the pockets of his coats and despite the biscuit being old and probably a bit mouldy, when he placed it near Ollie's mouth the horse chewed it and swallowed it gleefully. "Don't tell Alfie." 

Dean's heart ached for the dogs, for Alfie and Tilly, Rosie and the puppies. He wanted to sleep in his own bad with Cas in his arms and wake up to the smell of frying bacon from the kitchen downstairs. He missed lazy Sundays where he'd laugh around with his family as they cleaned out the stalls and maybe he'd take Ollie out for a ride with Cas and Caspian just to clear his head. 

But no, he was sat in a quarantined room with his disease-ridden horse lying his head in his lap. 

"The puppies will miss you," he smiled sadly and a single tear rolled down his cheek. "You know how they always liked to tease you." It was true, the retriever puppies always chose Ollie's stall to jump up against as he was the only horse who would react to them and reach down to play with them. He'd had scratches to his face where the dogs had got a bit too boisterous but he never got angry with them. They were babies, he had to treat them like babies. 

All of a sudden Ollie tried to stand up. His head lifted from Dean's lap and it took him a few tries but he actually managed to get to his feet. The room was large enough for him to pace a few steps and on weak, shaky legs he walked for a minute or so before he stopped and pushed his head into Dean's chest. Dean wrapped his arms around his head and hugged him tightly, breathing in his scent that had been badly masked by an antiseptic kind of smell. Ollie pushed at Dean until he was backed up against the wall and the horse did his best to cuddle in as close as he could. 

The tears streamed from Dean's eyes and he knotted his fingers in his mane. Ollie knew what was happening. 

The vet looked in through the glass window and tapped lightly on the glass. Dean had to get moving. He sniffed and composed himself, nodding back at the woman with a fake smile. He slid back down to the ground as Ollie's legs gave in again and they assumed their previous positions. 

Everything hurt, Dean's heart hurt, his head, his eyes, his arms and his legs. Ollie hurt everywhere, so Dean did too. He stroked around his horse's eyes and let the tears drip down, forming a damp circle on his t-shirt and leaned over to kiss him at his ear. 

"Don't be sad," he smiled. "It'll all be over soon." He ran his hand up and down his nose and down along his neck to his stomach. It was tender and very swollen, even just by looking at it made Dean's heart skip beats. It was agonising to look at, he couldn't imagine how it must feel. 

Ollie shifted his head and stuck his tongue out to lick Dean's knee. Dean laughed. 

"The first time you did that to me you were saying thanks for picking you up when you were a foal, you'd fallen head first into the side of your stall and crumpled to the ground like a wet tissue. Silly thing," he chuckled and began to braid his mane. Ollie snorted again as he seemed to remember. 

Dean began to talk a lot about what it was like looking after him when he was a foal. He just wanted to talk but he didn't want to talk about anything other than Ollie. The horse lay his head in his lap and just listened, responding from time to time with a shake of his head or a snort or another lick to the knee. Dean had told him it had been difficult at times, hours had gone by and he hadn't slept a wink but it had been worth it. The energetic little black foal he'd raised grew up to be a big strong horse that worked hard and won competitions. It seemed almost surreal to see him now, so broken and so weak after seeing him so strong and so healthy. 

Though, as he talked he noticed that Ollie wasn't responding anymore. It had been a good few minutes since the last time he'd made a remark at something he'd said. Dean tapped the side of Ollie's head but his eyes didn't even flutter. 

Ollie had died in his lap, listening to the stories. 

Dean scrunched his eyes up as tight as they would go and covered his face with both hands. He cried into the darkness that surrounded him and punched at the soft walls at his sides. But he didn't get up, he didn't want to disturb the endless sleep of his horse, his best friend, his brother. 

"Please," he whimpered, staring up at the ceiling. "Look after him," he begged and the vet came rushing in as she noticed Dean's distress. She put her stethoscope to Ollie's chest and frowned, trying not to look at Dean who grieved beneath the corpse's head. 

"Dean," she tried and took hold of his wrist, still not looking at him. "I need you to leave." 

"No," Dean shouted and firmly planted himself on the ground. "Just let me sit."

"We need to take him away, Dean," the vet kept saying but Dean kept pushing her off. 

"Leave him, please." 

"Dean, we really have to move him." 

"NO." The harshness in Dean's voice took the vet by surprise and frightened her a little. He put both hands on Ollie's face and pressed his own face into his mane, gripping it with strong hands and cried loudly. Grief had completely consumed him and he didn't feel like himself anymore - a part of him had just died with his horse and it was the part of him that he loved. The part of him that was capable of loving another living thing and without it he was broken and useless. "Leave him, please." 

He didn't want to look at Ollie, but he couldn't not look at him. His black hair was still drenched in sweat and his body was limp on the ground, his eyes lifeless and blank. He grew colder and colder and Dean pressed his hands on his neck and felt the temperature as it dropped, his cries slowly fading into erratic whimpers that choked him. Both of his legs were underneath the big head and without the aid of another person he couldn't move, but he wasn't about to let anybody move him. 

When at last he was silenced, all he did was stare at Ollie. He willed him to move, to twitch, to blink. Anything. He stared at his swollen stomach and willed it to rise, even just a little. But it didn't. Everything was still. Everything was done. Everything was dead. 

He wanted to say so many things, to apologise for things he knew didn't make sense. He wanted to shout and to cry at whatever made this happen, some puny little bloodsucking fly that poisoned his companion. He didn't want to see anyone, he didn't want to speak to anyone else. 

The vet and two men eventually managed to move him out of the room and he was escorted back to the foyer in the main building while they transported the corpse of his horse. It had all happened so quickly. He was supposed to have been put down, he wasn't supposed to have suffered. 

Then Dean starting blaming himself. 

He blamed himself for Ollie's suffering, if he'd just sucked it up and got on with it Ollie wouldn't have suffered for as long as he had. If he'd just let him go and let the vets do their work he'd have been gone in a humane way and not suffered at his expense. But he hadn't let him go, he'd been selfish. Just like he'd been selfish towards Cas. He'd had only his own wants and needs at heart, not Ollie's or Castiel's. 

He could see that now. 

In the blistering heat of the day he sat in silence while the vet drove him back to the hotel. He didn't go to his room. He wandered about the streets until he found a bar where the bartender could speak English and drank his bodyweight in whiskey. Men and women stared at him, redfaced and puffy eyed but he didn't care. He drank until he felt better and he'd been ill before that happened. 

He ambled back to the hotel and sat on the big steps outside it with his head in his hands. Sam, Cas, Jo and Jess weren't scheduled to be back for a while yet so he sat and he cried into the sunlight. He moved himself to a concealed corner behind a tree at the front of the hotel when he'd sobered up enough to realise that he was causing far too much of a scene and sat in complete silence, the anger was setting in now. 

When he heard Sam's deep voice talking to Jess he came out from his hiding place, by which point he hadn't cried for a solid hour. Sam embraced his brother tightly, enveloping him with his arms and rocking him gently. Tears threatened to well up in Dean's eyes again but he didn't let them. Castiel kissed the back of his neck and hugged him from behind, clinging to Sam's sides to embrace him as well. 

Castiel lay in bed with Dean curled up in his body. They were quiet, all Dean wanted to do was cuddle. The red first place rosettes had been tucked away in bags and Jess' second place strategically placed underneath her pillow, they wouldn't be mentioned yet, if ever. 

"Are you hungry?" Castiel asked and stroked Dean's face. Dean nodded but said nothing. "I'll go get something to eat. You stay put." He pressed his lips gently to his forehead and kept an eye on him as he backed out of the room. 

He met Sam in the corridor who was pacing back and forth with his hands on either side of his head, his eyes read and his cheeks damp. When he caught Cas' gaze he broke down and Cas hugged him too. Everyone was so upset. Jess and Jo comforted each other and Sam had walked away because he hated letting them see him cry. He was an emotional soul, but he had to try and be strong for everyone else. It seemed like Cas was assuming his role this time round. 

"I'm gonna go get something to eat. Are you hungry?" he asked. Sam nodded. 

"I'll come too," he smiled and wiped his eyes, coughing back more tears. 

They found a fish and chip shop which was a blessing to the boys. They didn't want to have to think about what they wanted to eat, so they bought five portions of cod and chips and carried them back to the hotel for distribution. Sam had managed to compose himself by the time they returned and was happy enough to rejoin his girlfriend and Jo to eat. Cas tried to entice Dean from their room and join the others but he just wanted to be with Cas. 

"What happened to all the Spanish crap?" Dean asked and the sound of his voice was like music to Castiel's ears. He sighed with joy and bounced over to him, placing the paper bag in his lap and handing him a wooden fork. Dean tossed the fork away, raising an eyebrow at Cas and tucked in with his fingers. "I'm starving." Cas wasn't sure if he was supposed to speak, he might set Dean off again. So he smiled at his remarks about the food he had supplied and was just glad that he was talking. 

They watched crappy TV with English subtitles that evening. Their holiday had pretty much been ruined by the last few days' events so they sat in silence and just existed for a while. Cas' phone buzzed on the table and he reached over a sleepy Dean to pick it up. He'd received a text from Sam. 

>>Is he OK? 

<<Yes. Hes drifting off. 

After a few minutes: 

>>Good, let me know if he starts again. 

It warmed Castiel's heart that Sam Winchester was so desperate to look after his big brother. Normally it was the other way round. Dean had forbidden Sam to stay in the room with him, after realising his guilt he only wanted Cas by him. 

"Cas?" he asked weakly, his voice tired and strained. 

"Yeah?" 

"It was like he knew what I was saying, Cas." A lump formed in Cas' throat that he couldn't shift. 

"He probably did," he said and stroked Dean's cheek with his thumb. 

"No, like, properly knew what I saying to him. And he talked back to me, he did. He understood every word I said." Cas closed his eyes tightly and fought back the urge to cry. "You know he died in my lap? He died before they could do it themselves. He suffered because I wouldn't let them take him away from me." 

"Dean, you didn't do anything wrong." 

"But he suffered, because I was too selfish to let him go. I touched his swollen stomach and he winced, he stood up to hug me and he collapsed. He was in pain the whole time, I could hear it and I didn't want him to leave me." 

"It wasn't your fault." Dean got up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, his feet slamming against the ground as he stood. 

"How can you say that?" 

"It's true, Dean," said Castiel who put his hands up in defeat. "Come back to bed." 

"You don't believe me," Dean growled, his brow furrowed. Sam knocked on the wall but Cas didn't reply. 

"Dean, I do, come back to-" 

"Why?" 

"You're upset please, thinks will get better just give them time." 

"Things will get better? Ollie is dead, Cas. My horse is dead. He has been my life for as long as I care to remember and over a matter of a few days he's dead. He's out of my life. And I let him suffer on the floor of that quarantine room because I didn't want them to take him away from me, because I wanted to hold on to my life for a little while longer." 

"You didn't know he was going to die, Dean. You didn't do it on purpose." 

"I didn't push you away on purpose either. But I did it, and you suffered." Cas face dropped and anger rose up his throat like bile, burning it like fire. 

"Don't you dare bring that up," he snarled. 

"But it's true, Cas." Cas got up and stormed over to him, gripping both his shoulders with his hands. With a furious look in his eye he shoved his face into Dean's just inches away and mentally threatened him with his life. 

"Don't. You. Dare." Cas had never been so angry in his entire existence than he had been at that moment. What happened in the run up to his trial had been no more than a crash course in showjumping and the stress had affected everybody, including him. What Dean had done had got him his funding and he'd always carried on with the mindset that without pain, there is no gain. It was low and petty for him to bring that up again, especially when he was talking about something as precious as his horse. 

Dean saw the anger in Cas' eyes and instantly his face softened. 

"I'm sorry," he whimpered and let his head hang. 

"I understand that losing something precious to you is the worst thing, Dean, I do understand. But you can't blame yourself for his suffering, you wanted to hold on to him and there is nothing wrong with that. He was going to die either way, he probably would have preferred to be with you." Dean shook his head. 

"I can't believe that," he said. 

"Well you better start believing it or you can count me out." Cas was deadly serious and the deep tone of his voice was proof of that. Dean looked at him with wide eyes and fell to the ground with crossed legs. He rested his head on his hands and shut everything out, rocking back and forth. Cas put a hand on his back and knelt down to his level. "What you did was normal. You say he could understand you? He probably did, he knows the sound of your voice, he can tell when you're happy and when you're sad. Did he try to get away from you when you were sad? No, of course he didn't, he stayed with you and made you feel loved by answering you because that's where he wanted to be. Ollie didn't want to be on some table in some weird place surrounded by strangers. He started off with you, in that rickety old stall with his brother and after all the heartbreak and all the crap life threw at him, he wanted to end with you. And he did. He died in your lap a happy horse. You were his life, and he was yours. At least give him that." 

Cry after cry sounded from Dean's mouth and his body was weak and broken. Cas had to hold him up and support him, both hands on his back and his face in his neck, kissing gently to soothe him. "Stop thinking it was your fault. He knew what was happening, like you said. So he knew where he was and where he would be. He held on for you, he let you keep him for just a little while longer. So smile, he loved you. And he's up there looking down at you right now, annoyed that you're being so emotional." Dean laughed a little - more music for Castiel's ears. 

"He probably is annoyed," he chuckled and sniffed back more tears. 

>>Everything OK?! 

<<Yes 

"So come on, get back into bed." 

 

Getting the other horses piled onto the ferry was the worst part. Sam, Cas, Jess and Jo all stood in line and waited with their horses and bags of tack, Dean clinging tightly to Castiel's hand in the subdued heat of the early morning Friday. They were surrounded by riders who patted their horses down and waved away flies that annoyed their faces, all talking about the competitions of the last few days. 

Caspian was gloomy, he'd noticed Ollie's absence and his eyes didn't twinkle like they normally did. He shifted nervously from side to side, Ollie had been his reassurance and now that he was gone he had to rely on the humans; and that couldn't end well. 

They signed Caspian, Pip, Lily and Maia in and let the men take them away before they turned back on their heels and got taxis to the airport. Since there had been no other particularly large expenditures they could use what little money they had left to pay for taxis - it beat the bus and walking anyway. They talked like they normally did and avoided the subject of the competitions like the plague until Dean brought it up while they queued to get into the terminal. 

Castiel, Jo and Sam all withdrew their first place rosettes from their suitcases and Dean hugged each of them in turn, making sure he emphasised that Sam only possessed such an item because he hadn't been competing himself. And the same went for Jessica and her second place rosette - she was perfectly fine with the hierarchy. It wasn't about the winning for her, it was the taking part. 

The plane ride was relatively stress free, Dean was far too tired to be scared. Cas just held on to his hand and made sure he was fed and watered while he slept at regular intervals until the plane landed at the other end. 

Dean's spirits were lifted suddenly when the Impala came into view. God, he'd missed his car. They piled in and he flexed his fingers over the steering wheel, running his hands over the dashboard and breathing in the smell of the leather seats. He'd missed talking to other people with American accents and when the man at a hotdog stand on the highway (?!) spoke to him in his own accent, he grinned and thanked him for being American. He hated almost everything about Spain. 

As they pulled into the driveway, Bobby was busy getting their horses into their stalls, confused as he only counted four. He went to ask Dean before Sam ran ahead of them and took him to the side. Castiel frowned as he watched Bobby's smile fade and adjust his hat from want of something to do with his hands. He nodded eventually and greeted the remaining housemates with a hearty hug and a congratulations on the rosettes. Wary of Dean, he waited to be approached before he could hug him. 

"It's so good to be back," Dean said. 

The dogs were let out of the house and Castiel was astounded at how big the last few puppies had grown in just a week of being apart. Alfie bounded towards them and jumped up at him, licking at his face and Rosie pelted across the grounds and into Dean's arms where she was thrown over his shoulder and tickled until she squirmed uncontrollably. 

"Be careful," Jessica laughed at the flailing collie in the air above Dean's head. Sam cradled Tilly in his arms as she sat on the ground, tired and worn out from the excessive enthusiasm of her offspring. "How have they been?" she asked Bobby and Bobby laughed as if she didn't already know. 

"Energetic," he laughed. 

It was nice to be back in their own house, Castiel had never been one for change. The heat wasn't so intense back home and the clean country air was refreshing to say the least. Dean seemed to have perked up too but there was still routine to fall back into and he didn't have a horse anymore. He unpacked on his own and did so quietly so Cas left him to it. Alfie lay at the end of Castiel's bed while he put his things away. 

"How have you been," Cas asked and Alfie pawed his leg. "Good," he laughed. "Miss me?" Alfie barked. "Thought so." 

Dinner was simple, easy to cook and all in all, could be written simply in English. They all sat at the table and talked lightly of stuff, Dean not contributing much by means of conversation. He sat in his own little world picking at his food, silently wishing things were different. 

Castiel couldn't find him when it was time to go to bed. He'd made coffee for everyone and was wandering about the house in search of Dean with his mug in his hand, his own in the other. He called out several times but only Sam replied to tell him that no one had seem him for a while. 

Dean was sat in the corner of Ollie's stall when Cas found him. He had his knees up at his chin with his arms wrapped around them, his wellies on and a thick jacket to protect him from that all too familiar cold. Nothing had changed, the same straw still lined the stall and Cas smiled at the thought of Bobby just saying 'screw it' and leaving cleaning them out until they got back. 

Cas sat down beside Dean and handed him his mug which was pretty much luke warm by the time it reached him. Dean smiled gratefully and took a long drink. 

"I miss him," he said. 

"Me too," said Cas. Caspian nudged the adjoining wall and it pained Dean to hear. He was looking for Ollie too. 

"Do you think he's up there, happy?" 

"I'm sure of it," Cas whispered and put a gloved hand in Dean's. 

"Your hands are warm," Dean chuckled and put his coffee on the ground so that he could slide both of his inside Cas' glove. 

"Yours are freezing!" Cas cried and winced as the icy cold skin froze his. Dean pulled him closer and kissed him delicately. 

"I love you," he said. He just looked at Cas for a while, getting lost in the blue of his eyes. There was no one else more perfect for him than Cas and he'd never been so sure of anything else, ever. 

"I love you," Cas replied and kissed his nose. Suddenly Dean began to whimper again as Caspian kicked at the adjoining wall. Cas jumped to his feet, carefully managing to avoid spilling his coffee and went to his horse's aid to calm him and stop his tormenting of Dean. The grey horse paced about his stall lashing out at the wall and trying to angle his head far enough around to see into the next stall. Cas put his hands on the horse's face and tried to soothe him but he was getting more and more distressed. 

"I don't know what to do," Cas panicked and he placed his mug on the ground. He unlatched the stall door and went inside, closing it behind him and gripping Caspian's neck to get him to stop moving. He snorted at Cas and his efforts to still him and being such a strong animal kept pushing him around like he was nothing, a mere annoyance. 

But when Dean scratched his nails on the wood on the other side he stopped immediately and pressed his head to the wall. Dean did it again and Caspian whinnied. Again, he shook his head. Again and again did Dean pretend he was Ollie on the other side of the wall and calmer and calmer Caspian grew until he was content to settle down to sleep for the night. Castiel was astounded. 

When he got back to Dean in Ollie's stall, Dean was crying again. He kept tapping the wall with his eyes tightly scrunched together and as Cas knelt beside him he pulled him into him, crying into his coat, his hand still at the wall. 

"He thinks I'm him," he cried and he suddenly lashed out at the back wall. Cas jumped away with wide eyes and anger had completely overtaken him again. 

"Dean!" he shouted but the blood pounded in Dean's ears like drums and drove him to madness in the confined space. Cas tried to shout louder but Dean wasn't hearing him, if anything the loud noises were spurring him on. 

When he stopped he collapsed, his eyes closed and his body crumpled on the ground. Blood ran from his bruised knuckles and he just lay there, limp. Cas fell to his side and took his head in his hands, pressing his fingers just below his jawline to check for a pulse. There was a pulse. A healthy pulse. He was alive. He breathed a sigh of relief and propped him up against him, his head lolling into his lap. 

He was brutally aware that this was probably the position Dean had been in when Ollie had left him. And now Dean was on Castiel's lap, unconscious, broken, hurting. He wondered if Dean would ever recover from losing something so close to him. He hadn't quite realised how much of an impact Ollie had had on him until he was gone. Yet here they were, in another mess. Dean Winchester's temper would be the death of him, Cas was sure. 

"I've got you, baby," Castiel soothed despite knowing Dean couldn't hear him. "I'm here for you." 

 

The morning proved to be no better. Castiel had fallen asleep and awoke to find Dean missing. He cursed as loud as he could but resisted the urge to punch something, and ran back to the house to find that none of them had seen him either. 

"I know where he is," Sam said quickly and grabbed his coat and the keys to the Impala, dragging Cas quickly behind him. 

They drove back up that muddy old trail that Sam remembered was dangerous when he got there and Cas gripped the sides of the leather seat in complete terror while the Impala shook from side to side like a leaf in the wind. They came to that old rundown shack in the middle of nowhere and Sam ran full pelt to the rotting wooden door to find it ajar. He threw it open and there was nothing inside. No Dean to be seen. Castiel looked at him expectantly and Sam swore. 

"I have no idea where he is," he said and put his hands to his head again. 

"Think, is there anything he might have said or hinted at?" Castiel tried desperately to rack his brains and Sam did his best too, but neither of them could think of anything that would help them. 

"I really don't- wait." Sam looked at Cas with his head tilted and an idea struck Castiel too. He wondered if they were thinking the same thing. 

"Where was Ollie born?" 

 

Sam's driving was terrifying when he was set on something. Cas almost started hyperventilating as he sped down the highway at literally one hundred miles an hour, the Impala making disturbing noises beneath them. Sam had his gaze set dead ahead and all Cas could think about was how glad he was that it wasn't a busy time for traffic. 

They screeched to a halt outside a stables about an hour's normal drive from their house, which took Cas and Sam about twenty minutes. A woman ran outside to see what the commotion was about and Sam ran towards her, his arms outstretched. 

"Have you seen my brother?" he asked, struggling to get his breath back. 

"Who?" the woman replied, confused as to why there were two out of breath men running around her grounds. 

"Tall, kind of, short dark hair, leather jacket, green eyes," Castiel listed and saw the recognition on the woman's face. 

"Who, Dean?" Sam beamed at her and shook her shoulders. 

"Yes! That's my brother, he's been missing for hours. Is he here?" The woman lead them down the stables, each horse on either side of the walkway sticking their heads out to greet them except for the stall at the end. She gestured to them to be quiet and that Dean was a bit temperamental. Apparently he'd been there pretty much all night and they couldn't get him to leave. He wasn't causing any trouble or hurting anyone, he just wouldn't leave. 

"Dean?" Cas asked and gripped the stall door with trembling hands. Dean was sat cross legged in the straw with a tiny black foal in his lap. "Dean?" Cas repeated. 

"Ssh," Dean smiled and stroked the sleeping horse's head with loving fingers. 

"Dean you have to leave," Sam said firmly in a hushed tone and scowled down at his brother. Cas held his hand up to him and nodded slowly. He unlatched the door and stepped inside, kneeling down to Dean's level as quietly as he could. 

"You can't be here, Dean," he whispered and held out his hand for him to take. 

"But I want to be, I'm not causing any harm." The foal stirred in its sleep and shifted in his lap, making tiny baby horse noises as it went. 

"We have to go," Cas insisted and went to take the horse from him. Dean quickly reacted and placed his arms protectively around the foal. Cas couldn't touch it. 

"No," he said and didn't remove his arms from their shield until he was content with the distance between Cas and his new baby. 

"Dean." 

"Castiel." Dean never used Cas' full name unless it was affectionate. Cas didn't like it being used now. "Let me stay. Don't take him from me." 

Those words echoed in Dean's head as being the words he'd spoken when Ollie was lying dead in his lap. Now he had a brand new life staying warm against him but still the words stabbed him in the heart. He closed his eyes and the tears formed in the corners, his fingers playing with the short baby mane of the little horse in his arms. "Please don't take him from me." 

"Dean, I have to, we have to leave." Castiel hated to tell him to leave. But he had to. People needed to get on with their lives and this little foal probably had a Mother to go back to. 

"But he's alone, like me," Dean sobbed. The statement punched Cas in the face. He wasn't alone, he had Cas. But instead of starting an argument Cas had to sympathise. 

"We're all here for you," he said through gritted teeth. "Dean come on, move." The authority in his tone heightened and he had no choice but to take the foal from his arms, waking it in the process. It didn't squeal or try to fight, it let itself be carried away and handed to Sam who gave it back to the woman who then returned it to the mare. Dean stood up slowly with a face like a naughty child. "Let's go home." 

He sat in silence in the back of the Impala and Cas reached his hand back from time to time so that he could hold it before the lack of circulation took it away. He was so messed up and man did he know it, he just wanted any kind of normality to return to his life so that he could try to fix himself. 

"I'm gonna fix you," Cas moaned as Dean moved over him, naked and sweaty, pleasuring them both with slow, loving movements. They made love knowing that they were going to get through this together and Cas was on a mission to prove that there was no one else anywhere that could do for Dean what Dean did for him. It didn't matter how much he would ever lose in his life, be it another horse or a loved one. Castiel was always going to be there to pick him up when he fell and comfort him when he was down. He would pick up the pieces of a broken man and put them back together with as much love and devotion as he deserved. 


	7. Epilogue, Actually

"Promise me you won't jump when I take my hands off your eyes," Cas begged as he lead Dean down to the stalls, Sam, Jess and Jo following closely behind. 

"Why would I jump?" 

"Just, promise me you won't." Sam giggled and playfully punched his brother's shoulder. Jo bounced up and down with excitement and could hardly contain her giggles, being shushed constantly by Jess who held onto Sam's arm. 

"I promise." 

It had been a couple of weeks since Dean had gone on his mentally broken down excursion to the stables where Ollie was born and he was back and beginning to cope without him. He took Caspian out a lot since Castiel had got back into his music and found that he didn't have a lot of time to exercise his horse, so it provided sweet relief from a life so empty without Oliver the beautiful black stallion. Slowly but surely Dean was becoming the happy, slightly deranged man he once was, except this time with a hint of sadness in everything he did. 

A collective house decision had been made, Castiel's first house decision that he'd been included in and also one that Dean was not a part of. It was going to be a surprise. 

Castiel lead him into Ollie's old stall and Dean knew exactly where he was, walking the journey from the house to the stall multiple times in a day isn't a journey easily forgotten. Cas took his hands off his eyes and while Dean adjusted to the dim light of the stall at first he was confused as to why he was here until he was turned round so that he faced the back wall. 

A small black foal stood looking up at him with his head tilted to one side. It stood on sturdy, experienced legs and nudged Dean's hand lovingly. Dean was totally speechless. 

"Is that-" he asked, pointing at the horse but looking from his brother to his lover. The two of them nodded and Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist. "How-" 

"She let us take him, his Mother was ill and couldn't feed him. She knew your history so she let you have him." 

Tears welled up in Dean's eyes and for the first time in a very long time he cried with happiness. He knelt down and took the foal in his arms, its legs in the air as it rested on its back against Dean's chest.

"He's perfect," he cried and nuzzled the little animal with his nose. "Thank you." His housemates all crowded around him and enclosed him in their arms, laughing and hugging and stroking the little animal and tickling its belly. Already it was a part of their family and Castiel knew just how it felt. 

"Welcome home little buddy," said Castiel. 


End file.
